IJustWant2beFree
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I seriously needed to vent about this somewhere because it's been so hard getting proper support/understanding/validation for it:
It's one thing when your triggers include people or things that don't mean a darn thing to you (or rarely have a deep special place in your heart). From experience I've realized it's not as hard to just label those particular people/things as "the bad guys" and then have to work through getting past them. It's so much easier to ignore or be angry at someone/something who never really had a deep positive impact on your life in the first place....
However, what happens when the situation that caused you PTSD was so "perfectly orchestrated" in a way that involved, poisoned, & corrupted the most powerful/positive/uplifting areas of your life and self? I mean those special, solid, life-long things that made you feel connected and gave you a sense of belonging, hope & comfort no matter what you were going through? The internal things that no one on this earth was suppose to take away from you? What happens when your now "triggers to your worst nightmare" were once really wonderful aspects of you and were the GREATEST sources of your inner strength?
That's what happened with me, my greatest sources of mental/inner strength throughout my entire life (or a large portion of my life) was music, my huge limitless imagination, nostalgia, reflecting on special personal memories, my creative abilities, and a few special social connections. Those things made me feel special, comforted, and kept me connected to life and humanity. Being able to access those parts of me gave me the strength to fight all of my life battles. I rarely deeply connected with a lot of people in life because I always felt (or was made to feel) really inadequate when it came to my physical looks and social skills. I didn't "fit in" much with most groups of people. And my physical health suffered from all the stress that came from that. But prior to the trauma I was finally making improvements in those areas.
But anyway, just my luck, my trauma (which happened Dec 8, '12) got tied into majority of those special areas. They affected the strongest areas within me. Within an instant those life-long positive things became the "bad guys". So you can imagine the internal conflict I experience has been SO overwhelming and disempowering. Imagine something that always made you feel good/connected for years (or your whole life) now made you feel like nothing but embarrassment, pain, worthlessness...and filled you with disturbing images of your trauma. It's utterly devastating. Those were my greatest sources of mental inner strength, and "they" (the people that caused the trauma) stole them from me, without my permission. And honestly, looking back through my life...those positive sources were all I had to fight with in this life. They contributed to my overall self-esteem, like 90% of it.
And now I'm literally just a shell of my former self, with no real inner power to fight these disturbing images/feelings off of me. The little strength I have left is not enough to fight them out of my mind because they stole (corrupted) my most powerful life-long sources. (Plus, unfortunately a desperate attempt I made to help stabilize my mind shortly after the trauma drastically backfired and made the situation even worse for me, like harder to escape). Which is why I feel like the unluckiest person to ever exist. I mean how could I get tricked to go somewhere that was made to look like a great time, but would ultimately traumatize me and steal my entire life/mind from me? After that trauma I was just like "Well, I guess I just wasn't made to be a content, beautiful successful, self-accepting individual, huh?"
I just walk around everyday powerless with little direction and identity, the complete opposite of who I was 15 months ago. I REALLY hope I can find a way to begin to heal because I was finally doing so well for myself and becoming the confident strong woman that I always wanted to be. Now I just feel like a defeated nobody. I went through PTSD in 2011 and finally overcame it in mid-2012...I NEVER wanted to go through something like that EVER again after I miraculously made it out. But unfortunately life had other plans because this trauma I'm fighting through now happened just 7 months after the other one finally lost it's grip on my mind.
So yeah, when the "triggers" become things that used to uplift you and were part of your overall identity, it makes the situation even worse because that means something that always made you feel amazing now makes you feel like a worthless, rejected piece of garbage. My favorite uplifting music/memories should NOT make me feel like an idiot. How unfair and screwed up is that? The only reason I was able to get through the 2011 trauma was because it didn't involve as many special/crucial areas as this one did, making the "re-integration with life & self" process slightly easier.
I know no one may have any immediate advice to give since they don't know the whole trauma story, but I greatly appreciate anyone who reads or offers any kind words. Thanks so much!
It's one thing when your triggers include people or things that don't mean a darn thing to you (or rarely have a deep special place in your heart). From experience I've realized it's not as hard to just label those particular people/things as "the bad guys" and then have to work through getting past them. It's so much easier to ignore or be angry at someone/something who never really had a deep positive impact on your life in the first place....
However, what happens when the situation that caused you PTSD was so "perfectly orchestrated" in a way that involved, poisoned, & corrupted the most powerful/positive/uplifting areas of your life and self? I mean those special, solid, life-long things that made you feel connected and gave you a sense of belonging, hope & comfort no matter what you were going through? The internal things that no one on this earth was suppose to take away from you? What happens when your now "triggers to your worst nightmare" were once really wonderful aspects of you and were the GREATEST sources of your inner strength?
That's what happened with me, my greatest sources of mental/inner strength throughout my entire life (or a large portion of my life) was music, my huge limitless imagination, nostalgia, reflecting on special personal memories, my creative abilities, and a few special social connections. Those things made me feel special, comforted, and kept me connected to life and humanity. Being able to access those parts of me gave me the strength to fight all of my life battles. I rarely deeply connected with a lot of people in life because I always felt (or was made to feel) really inadequate when it came to my physical looks and social skills. I didn't "fit in" much with most groups of people. And my physical health suffered from all the stress that came from that. But prior to the trauma I was finally making improvements in those areas.
But anyway, just my luck, my trauma (which happened Dec 8, '12) got tied into majority of those special areas. They affected the strongest areas within me. Within an instant those life-long positive things became the "bad guys". So you can imagine the internal conflict I experience has been SO overwhelming and disempowering. Imagine something that always made you feel good/connected for years (or your whole life) now made you feel like nothing but embarrassment, pain, worthlessness...and filled you with disturbing images of your trauma. It's utterly devastating. Those were my greatest sources of mental inner strength, and "they" (the people that caused the trauma) stole them from me, without my permission. And honestly, looking back through my life...those positive sources were all I had to fight with in this life. They contributed to my overall self-esteem, like 90% of it.
And now I'm literally just a shell of my former self, with no real inner power to fight these disturbing images/feelings off of me. The little strength I have left is not enough to fight them out of my mind because they stole (corrupted) my most powerful life-long sources. (Plus, unfortunately a desperate attempt I made to help stabilize my mind shortly after the trauma drastically backfired and made the situation even worse for me, like harder to escape). Which is why I feel like the unluckiest person to ever exist. I mean how could I get tricked to go somewhere that was made to look like a great time, but would ultimately traumatize me and steal my entire life/mind from me? After that trauma I was just like "Well, I guess I just wasn't made to be a content, beautiful successful, self-accepting individual, huh?"
I just walk around everyday powerless with little direction and identity, the complete opposite of who I was 15 months ago. I REALLY hope I can find a way to begin to heal because I was finally doing so well for myself and becoming the confident strong woman that I always wanted to be. Now I just feel like a defeated nobody. I went through PTSD in 2011 and finally overcame it in mid-2012...I NEVER wanted to go through something like that EVER again after I miraculously made it out. But unfortunately life had other plans because this trauma I'm fighting through now happened just 7 months after the other one finally lost it's grip on my mind.
So yeah, when the "triggers" become things that used to uplift you and were part of your overall identity, it makes the situation even worse because that means something that always made you feel amazing now makes you feel like a worthless, rejected piece of garbage. My favorite uplifting music/memories should NOT make me feel like an idiot. How unfair and screwed up is that? The only reason I was able to get through the 2011 trauma was because it didn't involve as many special/crucial areas as this one did, making the "re-integration with life & self" process slightly easier.
I know no one may have any immediate advice to give since they don't know the whole trauma story, but I greatly appreciate anyone who reads or offers any kind words. Thanks so much!
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