What if

[Kopykat]

what if I keep doing all this difficult therapy work processing trauma and stuff and I find out I'm still messed up or just a bad person?

 

[EveHarrington]

Why do you think you could be a bad person?

 

[Kopykat]

I just feel like I don't have many redeeming qualities. I struggle w relationships, borderline traits, depression...I have no idea who I am without mental illness as an identity.

 

[The Albatross]

What if you keep doing all this difficult therapy work, processing trauma & stuff and find out that you have created a space to be the author of your own life independent of your trauma identity/feelings?

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I used to think I was a bad person. I remained convinced I didn't deserve anything better than what I was living at the time. Professionals didn't help me see my own value, though. That took an acquaintance I happened to meet shortly after her father took his own life befriending me and showing me through her example that I was worth so much more than what I'd been conditioned to believe by all the unhealthy folks who raised me, looked after me, abused me, molested me, raped me, beat me, and threatened to take my life. What the hell did they know, anyway? Look at how they chose to handle their own shit. They worked hard to convinced me I was nothing in order to keep me locked in the dysfunctional circumstances that benefited them the most.

Later years proved to be even more hellish once I realized all the stuff I thought I had safely tucked away into my subconscious to not ever have to be dealt with again...until it continued to rear its ugly head demanding to be dealt with in some of the most painful ways. Unfortunately, the initial professionals I sought out for help did more harm than good. But I finally found one who relates, makes me feel seen and genuinely heard, and allows space for me to talk it out however I need to in the moment. Priceless. You'll find bad with the good and vice versa everywhere you roam. Try not to make your mind up about it before you even try, though. I used to be bad about doing that. Talking myself right out of some of the best opportunities along the way. Wishing you wellness in your journey.

 

[Kopykat]

I used to think I was a bad person. I remained convinced I didn't deserve anything better th...

Thank you, I appreciate this. My therapist is pushing to do more intense trauma work and then mentioned TMS for depression as mine hasn't responded to several drugs and therapy, I have a lot of fear (obviously), a lot more than I realized and I'm not sure where it all comes from, just feeling overwhelmed.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Kopykat God, I remember back 30+ years and the tormented mind I had then. How out of control I was, my thinking was, my behavior was.... I’m so much better now. Do I slip up and fall into deep depression at times??? YES! Have I become suicidal at these times?? YES!!! But in between I’m sooooooooooo. much better. Don’t give up hope!!! It can a nd does get better... Hard work and determination. And the biggest thing... BELIEVING that you are worthy of being treated with respect. That you are a whole person. That you did not deserve PTSD!!!!

 

[Kopykat]

@Kopykat God, I remember back 30+ years and the tormented mind I had then. How out...

I just saw this, sorry for the delayed reply. Thank you for your kind words. I hope it does get better, I feel I'm just now starting to realize and deal w trauma instead of shoving it away, I feel i will be in therapy forever. Seems overwhelming.