Childhood What Is Child Abuse?

[moshpitmunkey]

I thought I would start a new thread to discuss why child abuse causes such extreme symptoms of distress...

Most of the abuse I feel I suffered in childhood came in phases of physical, emotional and then physical. When I was very young I would get beat beyond the normal and acceptable means of discipline(with electric chords and other things until I was covered in marks) my mother worked often and drank and smoke. Into my adolescence and early teens it became more emotional abuse. Controlling, belittling, things of that nature. Then a severe beating occurred to me when I turned 19 that has completely shaken up my whole world. I had moments of realization that what I was going through wasn't normal when I spoke to others but then my mother always came back to try and rationalize and justify what was going on until eventually i believed her. But now as an adult I have so many issues that I find it hard to overcome on my own and I think therapy is probably one of the only ways to start working through it. I didnt go into depth about my situation but that is a brief account of my experience and I think you pose a good discussion.

 

[moshpitmunkey]

That, and that facing up to the reality of abuse is just such a massive thing that I thing often it takes...

I totally agree. For a long time I could not face the reality of the abusive situation. It was easier to believe that it was just normal or that it didn't happen. I fell into a pit of depression once accepting that reality. Good post.

 

[moshpitmunkey]

I guess my point is what is the line between the two? From the point of view of the child - rather than a...

Just speaking on my own experiences I feel that the discipline becomes abuse when you begin to experience great fear of your parents after being hit or "disciplined" instead of understanding of a wrong doing? I hope that makes sense. I have repressed so much but as a child I remember just being absolutely petrified, running and hiding, and never actually getting an understanding of a lesson I was supposed to learn. I think that quickly turned into abuse

 

[void]

Did that tribe die out? With that little chance for babies where did they get children?

It had been sustained for millenia, but it modern times colonialism tried to ban it.
Likely just went underground, like the Pedofilth in our society.

 

[claroscuro]

I remember feeling that something was wrong in my family, even going back in memory to about 4/5 years of age. I have no idea why I felt that way even at such a young age. I didn't recognize that I was being abused after the police gave a talk at my primary school when I was 8. I didn't recognize that I was being abused when I heard a graphic disclosure of sexual abuse by a sibling, but I could recognize that she was describing sexual abuse. I only remember recognizing those abuses as things that made me feel uncomfortable, scared, sad, worthless, etc.

I did complain to my mother about something my father routinely did that made me feel uncomfortable, and she brushed it off each time. She never intervened on my behalf when she witnessed abuse by my father, and on occasion subjected me to what I now recognize as emotional abuse when I told her something was bothering me or that I needed help. After I heard the disclosure I wrote a letter to a trusted teacher, and nothing came from it. The examples the police gave of child abuse didn't cover emotional abuse or neglect, and the examples of physical and sexual abuse didn't fit my experiences. This made me believe that I was being oversensitive and that there was nothing wrong with those experiences. I also learned that nothing good comes from speaking out. Still, the feeling that something was wrong persisted. I think it was because of the negative emotions those abuses inspired.

Following the disclosure by my sibling I was taken to see a psychologist, I did my best to hide my feelings that something was wrong. I remember being scared of talking to her, scared of the consequences.

As I grew older I started to realize that my father was a bully, and then that he was emotionally abusive. I only realized that my mother had been emotionally abusive as well when I was well into my twenties and picked up on a particular pattern she exhibited. I had a memory that occasionally emerged, but I had no understanding of it, and no emotional connection to it. This memory was triggered during the aftermath of my father assaulting my mother, and that's when I came to realize that I had been sexually abused by the sibling. It was only during therapy that I came to recognize that I had suffered physical and sexual abuse by my father, and neglect by my mother.

I really didn't want to trust that interpretation of the memory, and even though it was sickening, would rather have believed that I just made it up. My T and I had a few discussions on fractured and repressed memories, and that led to discussions on betrayal trauma.

Looking back, it's very hard to understand why I didn't recognize those abuses for what they were, and why in some cases, was even compliant. I have found reading up on betrayal trauma, though it mostly focusses on the effect on memory, to be very helpful in better understanding my responses when I was a child, and the effect it has had on me throughout my life so far. This has also been instrumental in helping me pinpoint triggers.

This is a very interesting, and complex topic. Thanks for posting. The mind is an amazing, but scary thing.

 

[Air]

When does a 'tickle' become a sexual assault

In general I think it's a tough question about when a lot of things become abusive, but here I think it's firmly as soon as it's being done for sexual thrill. Even if it's a "normal" tickle that's being done for sexual gratification, I think that is at least molestation. As soon as you are using someone (with or without their knowledge) sexually in a way they haven't consented to, that is misconduct whether it's classified as rape, sexual assault, molestation, whatever: it's all still very wrong. In general I'm not a big believer in "victimless crimes", but I think kids can read emotions in a room pretty well, and there is always the possibility they are picking up on what's happening. The fact that they may not realize it happened makes it no more moral than having sex with someone unconscious is than while they're awake and protesting.

When does correcting a child in front of their friends become humiliation and shaming?

Here I'd say never, if it's just done when they do something wrong. If their friends are over and the child decides to throw a tantrum maybe (I'm assuming they are pretty young), I don't think there's usually anything wrong with sending them to their room and cutting the play date short, or giving them a time out, or whatever discipline seems fit. If it's the same thing you'd do when you're alone then you're not embarrassing anyone, and it's good to be consistent and (especially for young kids) to give out the consequences soon after the infraction. If the kid is older, then I'd probably not generally discipline them in front of friends unless it's something particularly bad like theft. Really though, I think if you do the same consequences around friends and alone, it's generally not abusive (unless of course the consequences are abusive in themselves).

The other two are gradients. I think as a parent I'd avoid any sort of physical punishment just so it doesn't turn into a beating, but I don't think everyone who has spanked their kids are awful parents. Besides, you can certainly punish kids in abusive ways without beating them, like when does a time-out turn into abuse? One minute? Ten minutes? Twenty? An hour? Ten hours? I'm sure most people would fall somewhere within the first and last time limits, but it's pretty vague and I think most people would be unable to put a minute on it, and you'd get a million different answers among those who could be specific. In the end I think it's up to the parent to see when their kid is clearly in pain from the punishment and to lay off it.

As for independence, I think that's probably the toughest one. You'd find a ton of parenting books all advocating different levels of care, and huge debates in psychology about that subject. Generally being around to provide emotional support when the child wants it (within reason) and giving them all the necessities for a safe (to the best of your means) life is probably a good minimum.