What Is Depression? What Does It Represent? What Does It Mean?

[Tinyflame]

Dear Hashi, PS, have you seen the post (video) on EFT/Tapping for depressive ans suicidal thoughts (child abuse thread)? I think maybe it might have efficacy (at least for some), because the tapping simply distracts enough to get words out of what the person is feeling (and then adds positive affirmations, again which otherwise might be unbearable). I think that might have more to do with it than 'trapped energy'.

Maybe this is something that haunts those of us 'without words'?

 

[Lucycat]

I struggle with the basic concept of depression. I understand happy and sad, but at what point does sad become depressed? Please don't think I am belittling anything. I do understand that people feel so low they cannot see the point in life - I have been there.

After I started therapy, and was starting to feel better I was concerned that I might have become 'manic' as I felt, what I described to T as 'high'. Certainly not normal I thought. T said that I had 'come up' to normal from a base level of unhappiness. I found that hard to understand as I thought then that I felt the same as everyone else.

Sometimes I wonder if it has to do with expectation. I expected that everyone was like me, so never did anything to try and make me feel any better.

 

[TimeToHeal]

Hi @Hashi. I don't know that I have any answers or insight for you as far as what depression is, or what it means....I think maybe it is different for each of us.

I too, was wondering if your depression might truly be biological/chemical in nature, but you say you have gone the medication route and it hasn't helped either, so perhaps not. Or perhaps you weren't able to find the correct medication that would be helpful to you. I don't know the answer. How long has it been since you tried medication? And what are your therapist and psychiatrist's thoughts and views on your depression?

The other thing that comes to mind is, do you have things in life, do things in life, that bring you joy? Or are you stuck in only doing the basics of surviving? For instance, I ride horses - almost every day. I do as much as I can do, involving the horses. I ride at and training and competition stable, so I help my trainer with lots of horses besides my own. These things bring me joy. They keep me grounded and "present." Now, none of that is to say that I don't also struggle with depression. But I know it would be ten times worse if I didn't have my horses and the sanctuary of the stable. I would have nothing to look forward to, no reason to force myself out of the bed on those really tough days.

Of course, joy also means different things to different people. Do you know what brings you joy? Is there something that you have a passion for? Or something you've always wanted to do or try but just haven't?

I don't know if any of that is helpful at all, just some thoughts.

 

[Hashi]

I appreciate your responses and support.

It's very kind to make suggestions about what might help, and I know people are doing that because you have good, caring hearts. The thing is, I feel that's going to put me in a position of saying "tried that - doesn't work" to a long list of things (like medication, tapping/EFT, enjoyable activities and probably anything else that people suggest). I don't want to do that and be negative when people are wanting to help.

I have a long list of things that haven't worked for me, and my response to that is to try a different approach - which is what I'm doing now by thinking about meaning. I need to move away from the detail and take a look at the bigger picture. I have a metaphysical approach anyway, so this is a good way for me to work through things.

I have to bring this back to the thread not being about biochemistry. I'm going to ask for no more discussion about that here. I'm trying to explore the essential meaning of depression for me, and I'm really interested to know what meaning it has for other people or their thoughts on this generally.

@Dragon Fighter, your experience is not necessarily going to be like my experience. I'm thinking increasingly that I still have more to resolve around the effects of trauma (rather than the trauma itself). Posting here and hearing people's views has been helpful already.

 

[ill]

I do sometimes suffer from a body-based/biochemical depression. I have to be very cautious and careful about not overwhelming myself because when I am overwhelmed, I get tired, and when I let myself get tired, things get dark and dangerous for me. Thankfully, I've made steady improvements with this aspect which makes everything else a little easier to navigate.

I'm not saying it's situational as such. I'm saying it's existential. For example, the meaning that things hold for me, the meaning of the depression itself, having (or not having) a sense of purpose, the ability for self-realisation and authenticity. Exploring and processing issues of meaning and feeling isn't the same as thinking happy thoughts and using coping skills.

I don't want to assume too much, but I feel like I struggle with something similar.

Some moments are better or easier than others but I seem to inevitably return to an almost fundamental state that my partner terms my nihilism. I struggle with notions of meaning and purpose, especially in relation to suffering. Ultimately, it's almost like I can take apart every single "reason" or purpose for living or being alive. It's like there's a pretty big, solid, seemingly intractable piece of me that believes that no reason, purpose, meaning or account is good enough or accounts for enough. It's something I have struggled with for as long as I can remember. Part of me attributes this to the fact that trauma has featured in my life from basically the beginning. I don't think it's biochemical because it seems to be more about my not being able to find firm ground to stand on - it's almost like I'm forever trying to find a foundation that's solid but no matter how hard I try, the ground won't hold beneath my feet.

"He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how." I can't find a why that holds. I have found philosophy (especially existentialism) to be mostly helpful.

I'm no longer suppressing trauma as such but I suppose I'm still suppressing parts of myself. In some ways I'm still being inauthentic because there are things and people that have more power over me than feels right. Is that why I'm still depressed?

This is another thing that I struggle with and find difficult, though I feel like it's more manageable than my problems with meaning. Fundamentally, I think I struggle with the notion of allowing myself to be all of myself. It's scary as heck, I was told all my life not to do it, I have virtually no positive experience of it, and I also have a difficult time discerning and identifying my thoughts, feelings, wants, needs and even sensations. It feels like it should be easy and sometimes it even is, but most of the time I struggle to even figure out how and where to begin.

Another factor is that I often struggle with allowing myself to feel good. Sometimes feeling good is triggering to me and sometimes I just can't seem to reach for the thing that's right in front of my face and will enable me to feel better for reasons that I'm not entirely cognizant of and find difficult to unravel. What seems to help right now is having enough solitude, journaling/processing my everything, and trying to be kind, gentle and accepting of myself. Ultimately, I want to get to a place where I am able to value, love and respect myself and have that be the foundation of my interactions with the world.

 

[ninja]

Hi Hashi,

The first thing that caught my attention was that you mentioned the depression has been pretty constant for you since age 15. Perhaps this fact is relevant to understanding what might be underpinning it? What do you recall from the time period? Was it a sort of gradual onset or more sudden?

I don't know if I feel that because of depression, or if it's the other way round - if I feel depressed because I don't force myself to connect more.

This is a question I have asked myself over and over and over again. I've come to believe that, for me, it's not one way or the other but rather both. I know that I need to get out and connect with something: be it the wind, nature, people, animals, places.. this is incredibly important for me because it helps me sustain my energy and/or 'jump start' it, if that makes sense. Connecting with people is more complicated and I struggle to believe that it is worth it to expend the energy necessary to interact with others. I appear to need a concrete and external purpose to initiate human connection.

I'm thinking increasingly that I still have more to resolve around the effects of trauma (rather than the trauma itself).

This is also what I was wondering. Maybe it would be worthwhile to explore core beliefs and whether they continue to be affected by trauma (referring here to the effects of trauma vs. the trauma itself)? Depression, for me, definitely tends to revolve around sets of beliefs that color the way I view my environment.

I also agree with what you have said about living authentically. I think this is tremendously important, and the fact that you feel unable to do so because of the environment you are in is a big deal, I feel. Are there any places in your life that you feel comfortable being completely yourself?

As for what I believe depression means: I tend to think of it as a barometer, a tool that helps me figure out when I need to change something in my environment, or do something different. For me, this has frequently meant that I've needed to adjust my vantage point/s so that I am not living alongside the rules, regulations and beliefs that were once instilled by other people in my life. I've needed to really reflect and connect with my inner self and her needs. Allow that communication however it comes about, and then begin to think about how to act upon some of the newfound 'needs'.

I hope this gets at your question without getting into the suggestion/advice realm. Thanks for this very thoughtful thread, @Hashi! :)

 

[Valentino]

I like to describe depression as emotional fatigue or emotional exhaustion. Though a more complete description might be psychological exhaustion (intellectual + emotional).

Depression is a mood state, a sort of mental and emotional fog or haze that influences perception and motivation.

There typically isn't a direct meaning from depression, other than exhaustion. Looking deeper into what might cause the exhaustion, (usually fighting against reality in one way or another) can help identify things to address to help recovery and prevent future exhaustion.

When someone's under depression, their inner energy and motivational levels are weakened, therefore defense mechanisms and coping strategies are also weakened. In that psychologically weakened state, the most repressed or suppressed unresolved emotional wounds often come to the surface.

Unresolved emotional wounds can be classified into 3 major categories: Anger, Fear, and Grief

Anger typically comes out as self-hatred, resentment, bitterness, blame, rage, suicidal ideation.
Fear typically comes out as anxiety, panic, confusion, insecurity, neediness, lacking order or structure, chaos.
Grief typically comes out as sadness, shame, loss, meaninglessness, hopelessness, helplessness, isolation, emptiness.

Our society doesn't really teach, honor, or even allow people to consciously grieve, so grief is typically what many people think of when talking about depression.

Grief is simply a process of accepting and adapting to present reality exactly as it is, by letting go of past stories and attachments.

But often times, lessons need to be learned and integrated from the past before the past attachments and stories can be fully let go. Some get stuck by trying too hard to move on, forget the past, or let-go prematurely, which indirectly strengthens their past, often by hiding it into shadow parts of the psyche.

Unfortunately in the exhausted mood state of depression, there isn't much energy or motivation to consciously work with the torrent of unresolved emotional wounds. So that can create a depressive type spiral, that reinforces itself. Trying to avoid and run away from the wounds, creates more exhaustion and therefore continued depressive moods.

Therefore, the only way out, might be through. Maybe by simply starting with a conscious pause, stop, allowing, or non-action. Then slowly dive into an old emotional wound, and allow it to tell you if anything needs to be done or learned.

"Human nature automatically adapts to change, whether we want to or not.
Clinging to our past immediately begins to diminish our capacity to survive in the present. In particular, holding onto images that enhance our egos, such as titles, positions, and ideas of entitlements cripple our capacity to create a new life.
Fighting the changes in your life that you feel happened unfairly will cause you to fantasize about your past, either in a positive or a negative way. Both will become larger in your recall as a way of emphasizing injustice in your life. Some changes, such as matters in life that lead to lawsuits (inheritance issues, for instance), are types of "changes" that tie the past to the present. There is no way around that. I know a number of people, oddly mostly women for some reason, who have told me that they were cut out of their family fortunes because of the maneuvering of a brother or a father's second wife. These women counted on that inheritance and then found they had to adapt to a completely different life than they had imagined they would be living. About half of the women took the issue to court while the others detached and moved on with their life.
It's up to each individual to make the choice in life. However, where the polarities of right or wrong cease to function, wisdom and truth become your guides. Sometimes the elements of our life present us with a challenge that is an initiation in disguise, a fire walk that burns your lower nature right out of you so that you are able to adapt to a higher level of consciousness."
- excerpt from Jan 30, 2013 Myss Salon - author Caroline Myss

 

[TeaLeaf]

Hashi- This is a really brilliant post and I can relate to a lot of it.

Several years ago when I hit a point where I had processed a lot of my trauma but was still very depressed. I would say that was in the same space as you in regards to feeling inauthentic because of feeling suppressed by people and things that are more powerful than seem right to me. It was hard for me to assert myself, ask for things, disagree with people while staying grounded. And like you I had little interest in connecting with people.

Looking back I can see that my PTSD caused me to be so divorced from my feelings and sense of self that it was only really after I healed a lot of the PTSD where I could get a sense of my deep and real self and start to integrate that into reality. What helped me was being able to talk about how I felt with my therapist and being as authentic as possible with her and very slowly that carried over into reality. I also benefited a lot from looking at pictures of myself as a child at various ages, I realized I carried a lot of negative thoughts about these child versions of myself and working on that really helped let the pain go. Self care also helped a lot, giving myself a break and not always trying to work on healing.

I am not saying that this too will be the key to helping you but I think that you are really smart in terms on continuing to try and look at your depression in various different ways and try to find out what makes sense for you. I have been in therapy for about 20 years- since I was a teenager and really only in the last year can I say I get any joy out of my life. I hope that gives you just a tiny bit of hope.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think overcoming depression as it occurs may have something to do with being able to perceive and see and enjoy the moment (without anxiety or other thoughts or despair, 'parking them at the door' as it were). And having worth. And having a meaning or purpose.

 

[Hashi]

I hope that gives you just a tiny bit of hope.

Yes it does, TeaLeaf. Thank you.

 

[franciemarnie]

For me, I mistook depression for sadness for years when the truth is I felt next to nothing for years. I assumed it was grief because I felt no happiness, no joy, no well being, no hope, but most of my feelings were missing or pressed down or "de-pressed" including anger. If I felt anything it was a kind of empty despair at the unbearable numbness.

The only things that could pop me out of it were getting a crush on someone (rare since I rarely went out) or anger. It took me decades to realize that for me - anger was the way out. It would give me instant energy. I wouldn't hurt anyone, but if I could access it, the emptiness and lethargy and not caring if I lived or died would go away.

Before that I tried to find a deeper meaning, particularly I tied it to feeling God was absent from the universe as evidenced by "the horror, the horror". I read a lot and tried to figure out why the world was the way it was. Why there was darkness or evil.

But in the end, feeling anger was the key for me. Anti-depressants did nothing but shore up the numb.

 

[fyredrift23]

Wow, Hashi. What a post! I'm really glad you reached out to the community regarding this very difficult & convoluted topic.

@ill, the last two paragraphs of your post made me cry! I totally relate to that!

I've been in pretty rigorous therapy for the past 2 1/2 years. I've been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, and, though it's no where near as intense as in my recent past, that son of a bitch is still alive and well. Suffering with this bullshit has resulted in some of the absolute worst pain in my life. I have a time trying to find meaning in this experience, in my "Depression Monster."

I do know that therapy has helped me see how I haven't really been living life according to me and what I want & need. I learned I was a lesbian in therapy, so I hadn't been nurturing or even acknowledging that side of me for many reasons. Although I'm somewhat "out," I keep retreating back to the closet when the reality of my gay self becomes too much for me (if that makes sense).

I also have a hard time allowing myself to feel good about and proud of who I am and what I've done. I struggle to give myself credit for tough things I've managed to do, and I have a hard time building up and maintaining my self-confidence.

For me, I think my Depression Monster showed up because my true self was so angry and furious at being chained up, pushed down, and kept quiet over and over for years. Now, I can feel myself actually growing sick & tired of my life as it stands. Things have steadily gotten better for me, don't get me wrong, but I am still largely unable to be the full, real (authentic!) me at this point. I truly need lifestyle changes that can better support this old/new person I'm becoming/noticing and encourage her to grow & thrive.

Hashi (and anyone else), I really hope something in here helps! You aren't alone in your desire and (possible) need to gain some meaning out of this beast of the abyss. Keep searching! I feel if your heart/spirit/mind/body/soul is leading you to pursue some answers, it's important to honor those wishes :) I and other members of the community support you and your hard work!