What is it you're not saying?

[Mach123]

I was never a child. Ive said this before it I watched a movie (a good movie, but it upset me) last night and I was thinking about it and it was Father's Day. There was never an innocent time. I look at boys together in like a school environment and I realize I can't think about them being friends as children because I never experienced this. My submissive sexuality and getting beat up sort of happened together? There was nothing normal. U don't have to beat me up, I'll be your girlfriend. I think I loved my dad but I sort of blamed him for this? It was not his fault but I was like he was.

 

[tin-man]

What am I not saying? A lot! But each time I type it out, I delete it all. So, I guess I can'...

Yes, that's exactly how I feel.

Sometimes I write these long sprawling messages to friends I know who care, who I know would do anything to help. But I don't want to burden them with my stuff. They have enough to deal with. So I never send the messages. But it helps to just write them, and knowing that someone cares.

 

[Mach123]

It's quiet here maybe because it's summer. (Here anyway.). When I look at "new posts" it shows only a few and then "The threads below this have not been updated...". I see that a lot more now. I feel like it's a small group of "actives." I know I need something to do and I know what it is? It's just so much is up in the air right now I just can't do anything? At least I got the house cleaned this week. (I got brakes on my car also) My daughter stayed home today. I need an excuse to go out a couple hours. I'm not allowed to go to the gym anymore except maybe once a week. Hopefully after we move? Awful! I'm also bored and tired of writing in my diary. My wife would tell me 'stop complaining' right about now.

 

[Teasel]

Thinking about it I've been saying it for decades. Maybe it's what I'm saying that's the problem not what I'm not saying.

 

[Mach123]

I deleted like a book off here this morning lol!

 

[Orangesfrompears]

I WANT YOU TO SUPPORT ME! Not second-guess me. Not tell me what YOU think I need.

YOU HAVE NO IDE...

But often there is a such a difficulty for the person with PTSD to communicate their needs at times or what is happening... and to try and figure things out a bit of second guessing is kinda necessary ... because from the other side there is so little that is understood.

 

[somerandomguy]

But often there is a such a difficulty for the person with PTSD to communicate their needs at times or what is happening

I don't really care how well I am or am not communicating ... I deserve support and I definitely deserve to be treated like I know what I need. If I don't know what I need, it's my job to tell you that. Regardless, you need to treat me like an adult, not a child.

 

[Orangesfrompears]

I don't really care how well I am or am not communicating ... I deserve support and I definitely d...

You do deserve this absolutely. And no, it’s not anyone’s right but yours to say what you need. I hear you as saying that others need to learn not to decide for you, and listen and wait with you... is that sort of close to what you’re saying?

I just wanted to try communicate how it is from the other side. I know with my partner I often have to intuit what’s going on so I can meet his needs somewhat... often he doesn’t know what he needs... often I have no idea....but this is love and care.... to just try....

In my line of work there is a saying about care taking and care giving.... care giving is supporting someone just enough so they can be independent. Care taking is doing things that they can do themselves and taking away their independence. I find it useful to articulate this to people who don’t get the difference and want to ‘mother’

 

[Mach123]

Yes my wife actually said this today. Watching me and trying to figure out what I mean or how I'm going to react. She had help getting like that it's not like I wasn't hard to put up with. I mean some of it's just not wanting to listen. I also have had to tell her not to think for me? I was also more or less a patient for a couple years. I was feeling remorseful today. A lot of stuff happened. Things are much better now. Still
there are things we don't talk about.

 

[somerandomguy]

I often have to intuit what’s going on so I can meet his needs somewhat...

That's fine, but if you were my supporter and thought you knew better about what I needed than I did, I would NOT be happy ... hence my original post.

 

[Mach123]

I still don't think anyone talks about dominance and submission and it drives me crazy because you have to deal with it all the time. I notice it because I'm submissive I guess which I'm not supposed to be. I didn't know this until I got into trauma therapy. I've seen it referred to as fawning or a freeze response. It's a lot more than that. I don't think people like those words. "Who says what's going to happen next and, how do you handle that?" It influences everything.

 

[Mysteryhorse]

So I've been back for an hour at the time I'm starting this and I'm already on the verge of leaving a...

I'm glad your here. My self-forgiveness is such a battle in response to this similar situation.