1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

What is it you're not saying?

Discussion in 'Avoidance' started by Mach123, May 6, 2018.

  1. SpiritSong

    SpiritSong I love flowers! Premium Member Sponsor $100+

    7,566
    17,536
    10,518
    Yeh, sometimes someone will ask me how I am doing, but they really don't want to know. If I say how I am really doing, they look at me strangely. I hate that! I don't much say how I am doing to hardly anyone. No one wants to know!
     
    tin-man, freebird, Sietz and 2 others like this.
  2. Register to participate in live chat, PTSD discussion and more.
  3. Junebug

    Junebug I'm a VIP Premium Member Donated

    13,740
    33,778
    26,743
    Dreading going back to work- part of why I take less time off.
    Dreading applying for a greater position, which I wanted, and need, and have always worked. But now I am exhausted. Have to get more energy to do more, and I can barely manage what I have.
    Dreading for the most part it's same work site as a relative.
    Dreading I have to ask for special consideration.
    Dread the whole field, especially the SA's.
    Can't believe my life came to this- accomplished nothing, surrounded by nothing, superficiality, or rejection, or being used, from the get go.
    Wish I were dead.
    Have nothing to say and no one who'd care to hear it if there were. Just a stepping stone for other people's goals and wants. Disposable.
    Wah wah wah. :rolleyes:
    Why am I possibly here?
     
    tin-man, berlinda, Sietz and 3 others like this.
  4. Abstract

    Abstract I'm a VIP Premium Member

    6,116
    16,161
    11,278
    berlinda and Junebug like this.
  5. Mach123

    Mach123 Well-Known Member Premium Member Donated

    849
    2,157
    943
    My wife just called me a drug addict, I was offended, lol! (she didn't 'call me that' really, she just mentioned it using those words.) I don't say 'drug addict.' Se also referenced these other people with whom we have to do, who know about it because they saw it. I don't want to think about that. It's a time gone by. Thank goodness. I prefer to think of it as "medication management." I'd tell you I got triggered by this but, I laughed and got embarrassed, it's not the same. I wouldn't let my wife see me laughing though. She fails to see the humor. Well, it is what it is.
     
  6. berlinda

    berlinda On the way to find out :-) Premium Member Sponsor $100+

    4,548
    14,318
    5,233
    I'm so scared.
     
    tin-man, Slushie, Sietz and 2 others like this.
  7. Junebug

    Junebug I'm a VIP Premium Member Donated

    13,740
    33,778
    26,743
    I know what's so disheartening, asking for help, told it's coming, then left forgotten and without it. Because: it's so hard to ask; then there's hope; then the hope bleeds out with reality; but all the while more time has passed, deadline looms larger and less time but no solution. All left with the 'joy' of being able to add further self-confirmation of my own worthlessness/ invisibility, wondering why I even tried, but still needing to address the problem and choose- but now feeling even worse and literally shorter on time than ever. At a time due to bad luck already full of triggers (Fathers' Day). Then I think, well that's a choice to think that, a cognitive distortion, no? And then I think virtually anyone would feel that way. But, my problem is my problem. Too bad I reached out. Too bad I had hope. I guess I needed a 'fantasy reprieve' from worrying, fooling myself to think I would have help.

    But now I know why I never could trust words that talk about caring, family, how no one is alone. Oddly I had just realized the same pattern with my relative a few days ago, and it's been going on for decades, likely a lifetime. For someone so-called important to them (or not, depending when you ask them), my critical needs, or future, are certainly not of any import to them. And you can't care and not care, that is mutually exclusive. My mom said a few days before she died, "Words mean NOTHING, actions mean EVERYTHING". I always wondered why she was so vehement. I supposed it was because it was her deathbed-talk. My mom was likely ADHD, my dad ADHD/ PTSD, complete with anxiety and situational depression and maladaptive coping (originally; no wonder I fell of the radar, come to think of it haha :p:roflmao:). She meant, I think, we are all responsible despite whatever gets in our way, each and every one of us. The choice is ultimately ours, as is what we choose to follow with.

    So I've Identified where the cognitive dissonance/ mistrust comes from. It breeds mistrust for me I guess, but really, it breeds feelings of worthlessness even more. And panic, because I'm further behind the 8 ball than ever. And self-disgust for hoping/ trying/ letting myself temporarily tentatively believe something different.

    Can ghosts, ghost? Lol.:bag:

    Thanks for the thread @Mach123 , sorry for a long post but it's helped to have somewhere to go. :notworthy: Know you aren't nuts about Father's Day but hey- High 5 to you and all the Dads (and something from the Bar-B-Q?). :) :hungry:;):hug:
     
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2018
  8. Mach123

    Mach123 Well-Known Member Premium Member Donated

    849
    2,157
    943
    One thing I'm not saying that everyone knows, how I feel about her (my love) and, "who's in charge around here." We are working with this lovely, old, Jewish gay man. He said that to me this morning. I let it go. I was on the phone with him, we were talking about money, my wife was sitting there giving me head nods and hand signals about what to say and not? How funny is that? (she was not available to come to the phone, I think he finally knew she was sitting there that wouldn't surprise me.) He made a cute joke about it. I would have been insulted years ago, now? I don't try to hide it. I used to fight with her about it constantly and finally, I said, "If you are in charge you might as well go ahead and be in charge?" She likes to keep up appearances though and like lets me pay for things and of course, I always hold the car door for her and in general give her the queen treatment as much as possible. There are certain things the man has to do and does. It was that way anyway from the very beginning. Sex is another subject? Hows that work? IDK. It works though, that's all that matters. If you started to get on me about it like I'd object right? Just because "you can't talk to me like that?" I've written a lot about how I came to understand my CSA made me submissive. But if someone has to get out the grill it's me. (I don't anymore I prefer the broiler.)
     
    Junebug, Slushie and Sietz like this.
  9. Slushie

    Slushie Active Member

    118
    221
    83
    I need someone to hold
    I need that someone to see what's right in front of them when I'm with them
    I need to speak up!
    I need people to understand
    I need to heal
    I sometimes hate that I was even born at all
    I hope people won't be mean to me anymore
    I don't know how much longer I can keep going
    I need her to hear me
    I need her.
     
  10. berlinda

    berlinda On the way to find out :-) Premium Member Sponsor $100+

    4,548
    14,318
    5,233
    I so relate to your post @Junebug :hug:
    Over and over and over in my life the same story
    I've figured out now when this happens I have the opportunity to know the one I shared with is not worthy of further sharing and I can be on my side despite the rejection from that person.
    Very much on your side dear @Junebug x
     
    Junebug likes this.
  11. Junebug

    Junebug I'm a VIP Premium Member Donated

    13,740
    33,778
    26,743
    @berlinda :hug:

    Well I guess what does it matter, eh. No one's problem but my own, and my inability to solve or deal with it and the consequences my problem as well.
     
    berlinda likes this.
  12. berlinda

    berlinda On the way to find out :-) Premium Member Sponsor $100+

    4,548
    14,318
    5,233
    Sorry @Junebug I meant well but perhaps it doesn't come across right.
     
    Mach123 likes this.
  13. Junebug

    Junebug I'm a VIP Premium Member Donated

    13,740
    33,778
    26,743
    berlinda and Mach123 like this.
Loading...
Similar Threads -
Show Sidebar