I know what's so disheartening, asking for help, told it's coming, then left forgotten and without it. Because: it's so hard to ask; then there's hope; then the hope bleeds out with reality; but all the while more time has passed, deadline looms larger and less time but no solution. All left with the 'joy' of being able to add further self-confirmation of my own worthlessness/ invisibility, wondering why I even tried, but still needing to address the problem and choose- but now feeling even worse and literally shorter on time than ever. At a time due to bad luck already full of triggers (Fathers' Day). Then I think, well that's a choice to think that, a cognitive distortion, no? And then I think virtually anyone would feel that way. But, my problem is my problem. Too bad I reached out. Too bad I had hope. I guess I needed a 'fantasy reprieve' from worrying, fooling myself to think I would have help.
But now I know why I never could trust words that talk about caring, family, how no one is alone. Oddly I had just realized the same pattern with my relative a few days ago, and it's been going on for decades, likely a lifetime. For someone so-called important to them (or not, depending when you ask them), my critical needs, or future, are certainly not of any import to them. And you can't care and not care, that is mutually exclusive. My mom said a few days before she died, "Words mean NOTHING, actions mean EVERYTHING". I always wondered why she was so vehement. I supposed it was because it was her deathbed-talk. My mom was likely ADHD, my dad ADHD/ PTSD, complete with anxiety and situational depression and maladaptive coping (originally; no wonder I fell of the radar, come to think of it haha :p:roflmao:). She meant, I think, we are all responsible despite whatever gets in our way, each and every one of us. The choice is ultimately ours, as is what we choose to follow with.
So I've Identified where the cognitive dissonance/ mistrust comes from. It breeds mistrust for me I guess, but really, it breeds feelings of worthlessness even more. And panic, because I'm further behind the 8 ball than ever. And self-disgust for hoping/ trying/ letting myself temporarily tentatively believe something different.
Can ghosts, ghost? Lol.:bag:
Thanks for the thread
@Mach123 , sorry for a long post but it's helped to have somewhere to go. :notworthy: Know you aren't nuts about Father's Day but hey- High 5 to you and all the Dads (and something from the Bar-B-Q?). :) :hungry:;):hug:
