What Is Most Helpful To You?

[JustBe]

I'm working on my social skills and would like some input on what you find most helpful when you post something difficult, unpleasant, painful etc.

I read so many posts where I want to say something useful or at least supportive, but I second guess myself until I'm so unsure that most times I do not reply.

"Liking" these posts seems too little or somehow inappropriate without explaination...help?

 

[Lionheart]

What I find most helpful is honesty. If you don't know what to say, then say that... I mean, it's okay with me. At least it lets me know you are there and listening and that alone is supportive in my view. A "like" is also ok for me because it tells me that you understand what it took for me to write about the unpleasant stuff.

I also second guess myself and often don't say anything. I think self-doubt is one of our biggest hurdles to cross. I have had people tell me that they don't know what to say but that they are there for me if I need to chat and often that is all I need; someone who cares enough to listen to me.

I hope this is helpful,

Peace,
Lion

 

[CrazyHorse]

I understand your views on the 'like button' When I first started in this forum I found it a bit wierd. But very quickly, I began to see it as a: "I read it and I get it" tool :)

 

[Hashi]

I feel better for getting any expression of support or understanding. I don't think it matters what words people use when their intention is obviously kind.

I agree with Lion that it's fine to say you don't have many words, because that's honest and still shows caring. I know sometimes people simply say something like "I'm listening", "Thinking of you" or "I'm sorry you're going through this."

It's very thoughtful of you to be asking the question. I think it's OK to do whatever you're comfortable with. "Likes" are understood (as CrazyHorse said, it does seem a bit odd at first, but it soon becomes clear). If it's a new member, you could always add a short post to explain that the likes are used to show support or understanding, and that's why you liked the post.

 

[JustBe]

Thanks everyone, now maybe I won't feel so awkward when I want to respond to someone:)

 

[Abstract]

Hi Movin'On,

I think you are far from alone with your feelings about this.

Personally I value any and all responses that have the intent of being supportive in any way. And that includes a "like" as it shows that someone heard me and that I am not alone.

I agree with Lion that authenticity is a great aim. Just be yourself and try not to feel you have to do it a certain way for it to be "right". I try to aim at authenticity and think that helps me feel more comfortable. I also value any authenticity in others.

I had all sorts of weird reactions when I first posted on support sites and still do at times. What I did was to push myself just a little and practise and it eventually started improving.

Remember that our value on here most importantly is about just being someone who understands. I think it can also help to keep in mind that there are always going to be times when others don't find what we say helpful. That is because we are all different and I think that is OK too.

 

[Spiderallis]

What if I don't know how to reply to this post? ;)

I've felt the same way, I read a post where it's clear that someone has struggled through sharing their thoughts and I don't know what to say. Sometimes I just complement the courage it takes to post certain things. A lot of situations I don't understand enough to say much about, like being a parent or dealing with other disorders. I love to compliment people on when they handle things well. It's easy to focus on what could be better but it's also important to celebrate what's already great. On my posts, a 'like' or if I'm lucky a ((hug)) is plenty to reassure me that I'm not alone in this.

 

[p-no]

What I find most helpful is honesty. If you don't know what to say, then say that...

I totally agree. I would also go so far as to say that honesty in any way is helpful to me, if what you say really is how you view things. So, to me, support can be hurtful in that what you have to say is honest, but I may not like it. It will still make me think and I can honestly say that I've learned a lot from those inputs because they challenged my own view and I tried to take on another's.

I find your question fairly hard to answer other than what I've already said. What doesn't help me (but I do realize that I am an exception here (or so it seems to me)) is cheering me up and bootcamping me. When I feel down, I feel down and I want to be allowed to feel that way. When I'm scared I want to be able to be scared and express that without hearing "don't be". Things like that.

My friend who is so sick with cancer has another friend and I can not stand to read her posts on facebook. It's always the same thing (to me!): You can do this! Just think about the next carneval season! ... makes me angry. I know she means well, but to me that would be actually causing real damage. When you have just said that you would rather die than keep on living the way you have lived the last two months, I just can't understand why you would talk about dressing up for carneval. But maybe that really is just me?

Hope this helps, M'O. [DOUBLEPOST=1358809935][/DOUBLEPOST]May I ask, what is most helpful to you?

 

[safenow]

I just can't understand why you would talk about dressing up for carneval.

It's not just you. What is most helpful to me, is when a person who doesn't know what to say tells me that. I've that on my journal and it touched me that they took the time to read and while couldn't offer any advice, at least cared enough to let me know they heard me. But then, that is just me.

Prime-no, when i'm in pain and thinking about my cancer, if someone told me to dress up, I'd probably say something they wouldn't want to hear. I would rather they just give me a hug and go away.

safenow

 

[JustBe]

Thanks again everyone.This is all very helpful. The last thing I want to do is add to someone's pain. Mostly I just want to let them know they're not alone.

I know when I'm really down I just need to vent. I don't need anyone to solve my problems, just listen.

 

[Abstract]

The last thing I want to do is add to someones pain.

MO,
I used to be so paranoid about this that I was paralysed and would second guess myself and go in circles. And afterwards I would go over it again.

Then I realised that certain things are likely to be helpful but inevitably some won't be to someone. That helped me be more accepting and it also helped me realise on a deeper level that people won't always be able to mindread what is unhelpful to me in life.

I am glad you are finding peoples input helpful! :)

 

[Sailorgal]

MO,

Just share what's on your heart and not think too much. If it, "that's great!" or a sympathetic "oh sheesh." I tend to write how I talk - to convey my personality.

I think it's pretty unanimous here on this forum that our comments are meant to be a listening ear and source of support. I personally like to add my own "Sailorgalisms" into the mix. Mamma mia! :o