What Is The Thought Process Involved In Isolating?

[princessx]

Sorry for the multiple posts! I get really excited when I come to this forum and actually hear things that coincide with my life and get to interact with you wonderful people that completely understand.

I was wondering how these isolations are really triggered. I'm guessing it could just be simply anything? I'm trying to get a grasp on my own situation with my ex. We were absolutely happy together and then one night he must've had a bad day at work. We were hanging out, it was the night after the Royal Wedding, and suddenly he's telling me he can't give me what I want and what I deserve. :( HE is the one that ever brought up marriage in our relationship and he even went out and a bought a new truck confessing that he bought it for our future. How did we get from that to where I am now? Last night via text he told me he "doesn't have what it takes to be in a relationship". In response I sent him a supportive text just saying how I accept who he is and am here for him. I didn't receive a response but I didn't expect one.

I'm just trying to figure out how this all changed. Anyy insight? :cautious:

 

[Steph_F]

Have you read the article here about the "PTSD cup" and how good stress, like falling in love, planning a future together, a raise or a promotion at work can be just as bad as typical bad stress? It makes alot of sense, even though it doesn't seem like it would.

It’s very possible that even though he wants you and wants to be your man for life, suddenly the "realness" of it scared him. Most men get cold feet as the wedding approaches; my guy gets frostbitten toes just thinking about living together :( Sounds like that is what your guy is going through...that or he carries such guilt and shame for things he feels is his fault that he doesn't feel that he is worthy of you and he is afraid of letting you down, or worse hurting you.

Our warriors have done things in battle (some under direct orders, fear, stress, peer pressure or some just because people do unusual things in unusual situations) that we as supporters could never wrap our minds around. I know that I can forgive my soldier for anything, ANYTHING that he did, but it doesn't really matter if he cannot forgive himself. Sometimes I think that guys and gals in war carry guilt even if they never fired a weapon or never left a safe office because they wore the same uniform and served the same country that committed horrible atrocities.

I know it’s not a good idea to ask a Vet, "hey...why do you feel guilty?" or tell them “don’t feel bad, you were just following orders”...but how can I communicate the importance of learning to forgive yourself and the freedom of spirit it brings if I don't know what he feels so guilty about. Been thinking about this alot...people are brought up to apologize if they hurt anyone, even minor things, like stepping on someone's toe in the elevator (or "lift" ;) ). Now imagine that same person that begs forgiveness for causing very mild uncomfortableness and surprise to a stranger go and blow up a whole house full of strangers in the middle of family prayers. Boys are taught never to hit girls...boys that grow into soldiers are taught that woman and children as human shields are simply causalities of war.

A child pointing out a soldier’s position to an insurgent instantly stops being a child and becomes a combatant. A soldier shoots the child and feels like shit about it. Who wouldn’t?? HOWEVER…The soldier was NOT the one that told the child to point to our soldiers; the soldier was NOT the one that just decided to go hunting men on roof-tops. The soldier was NOT the one that decided to invade a country to kill those men. The soldier was NOT the one that brainwashed those men into attacking our country. There are larger powers at work.

Granted it’s not like our warriors are kicking down the neighbor’s door and shooting up the businesses down your street, but I wonder if they think…”well if I am was able of doing such horrible things to people that I don’t know or care about, what would I do to the person closest to me?” Of course that doesn’t make sense to us, we know they will not hurt us, but they also knew that killing was wrong…until it was right.

How does that mindset change? How can a Vet learn to understand themselves as we do…and how can we understand them as they are trying to? It’s SO hard to convince my soldier that I am not a threat and I want to go on this journey right next to him, sometimes I’ll be beside him, holding his hand, sometimes I’ll be brave and strong and lead the way, and if needed, I’ll put my back into it and hold him up and push him forward.

 

[Angelina92]

I have told my guy that I am not taking anything personally, but that I miss him and hope to hear from him soon. I went from sending him a daily text message to an email every three or four days, about nothing in particular. Today, I broke down and sent him a funny picture (thats just our thing), and apologized for doing so? Ugh... I am a moron!
Also said, I missed him and would just like to know if he is feeling better. I am TERRIFIED of saying something stupid and pushing him away. I am TERRIFIED of not saying anything. I have read damn near everything about PTSD and I am a therapist with an advanced degree, yet I am virtually powerless.

But falling in love with him was like a dream; we had tons of fun, laughed hysterically at everything, and I helped him through a few rough patches (he asked me too). Now he is isolating and said that it has, "nothing to do with me." I believe him and I don't believe him. I don't think he wants to be in love, but I am afraid we are both in too deep now. i don't know what else to do than ride it out and hope that true love prevails and that he takes care of himself of course. Its killing me though. I feel paralyzed.

 

[Jimmy1]

Well said Ned. Some days, when I want to curl up and hide, Margaret might want to snuggle up and give me some affection. It actually irritates the f*ck out of me and I want to tell her to leave me alone. But, I made the decision to move in with her, so I can't have my cake and eat it too.
She gives me space when I tell her I need it though.

I suppose that is why the majority of all veterans want to move into the country miles from anywhere. Where you can here a car coming from a couple of KM away and you don't have people stopping by to door knock.

 

[Angelina92]

A question to the Vets:

Should I just stop all communication and leave him alone. I feel like a fool, attempting to commuicate every three or four days and not getting anything in return. I feel like he doesn't want me to care about him, and that he is trying to pull away. The last thing I want to do is make him unhappy. If he wants to pull away, I suppose that I should let him go? I don't know, but I am going batty.

 

[Jimmy1]

Once again I will say, I am not a psychologist, I am not a psychiatrist and not a therapist.

I will offer my opinion though.

If you can meet him in person, that would be ideal, otherwise, write him a letter or send him a message.

Tell him you understand his need for isolating. Tell him you are learning about the disorder in order to be able to understand him. Then ask him if he wants you to be around. He might find it irritating if you constantly try to communicate. It depends on how bad he is feeling. You see, you ask these questions, but we have no way of knowing how long he has been diagnosed, what medication he is on and what therapy he is receiving.
You can't do any harm in asking him.

Just be prepared for answers you may not wish to hear.

Just being honest.

 

[Ned]

Well said Ned. Some days, when I want to curl up and hide, Margaret might want to snuggle up and give me some affection. It actually irritates the f*ck out of me and I want to tell her to leave me alone. But, I made the decision to move in with her, so I can't have my cake and eat it too.
She gives me space when I tell her I need it though.

I suppose that is why the majority of all veterans want to move into the country miles from anywhere. Where you can here a car coming from a couple of KM away and you don't have people stopping by to door knock.

Spot-on. I am very lucky because every now and then I get to look after a big, isolated house in the country. End of a 2-mile lane, secluded upland valley, surrounded by woods. Proper LUP!
Extra bonus, mobile coverage is crap. A day or two there and I can physically feel the relaxation. And, like you, I am lucky to have someone who will give me space, that was certainly a fight I didn't want, but we're getting there....

 

[princessx]

Steph, at first I really thought it was completely cold feet and that maybe he just realized he didn't want to marry me. Though after a week or so, I started to actually listen to what he was saying and not listen to the pain in my heart. Over and over he kept repeating that I deserve better and that it has nothing to do with us but him. A few weeks ago I remember he even said that he wants to be back with me but then questioned if he'd make me go through this again and that's the last thing he wanted. Now it's become more evident to me that this is largely based on his insecurities and low self esteem.

You've given me a whole new understanding of him feeling not worthy and guilty for the things he has experienced. I'm hopeful to see that you and your soldier are figuring things out and you're standing next to one another. I hope my ex just contacts me and attempts to see me this week for the first time since the breakup. He's been pushing me so far away and all I really want to do is hug him.

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Irritated, How long have you been together & how long have you two been apart? All the emotions you are feeling I feel almost everyday in various spurts. Eventually, it gets a little easier but there's always that fire burning in your heart that keeps telling you this is the man worth fighting for. I don't think my ex wants to be in love either. I mean, he was head over heels for me and now love scares him due to fear and insecurity. I also hope love prevails and conquers all. If you ever need to vent, I'm here for you. For the first few weeks, I had no one and no understanding so I know how much it means to just have someone listen.

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Jimmy, I adore your opinions because they are the brutal truth. You don't sugar coat things but you prepare us for the reality of things to come. Thank you for all your words to everyone on here.

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Ned, Even I am jealous of this house you go to. Ultimate relaxation like that is so hard to find esp where I come from. Best of luck to you and your other and don't be so down on this fight, things happen for a reason. Things have to get bad in order to get good.

 

[Angelina92]

Jimmy I am a therapist and I have told him ALL of those things. I communicte with him once every 3 or 4 days. I just sned a brief email, saying I hope hes doing well and give him a brief update on my life. Very neutral. I have educated myself on PTSD, talked with specialists and gotten some good recommendations, BUT I find it more helpful to learn from those that have or are going through it. It is easier for me to relate to him that way. Hence the reason I ask questions. I think that those of you who have gone through it are my best teachers.

Been diagnosed but NOT getting proper treatment. I am trying to get him to do that, but not sure how to approach the subject. He is switching meds, and said he hasn't been right since trying something new (I would agree with that). He is a big guy, and needs a hefty dosage of anything to work. He is also in a substantial amount of physical pain. I know that if I can help him get rid of his physical pain, that i can comfortably broach the subject of treatment. My gut is telling me now isn't the time.

Princessx, thank you. Its only been 7 months but we have seen eachother through some tough times. We just "click." I havent seen him in two weeks, and we normally spend at least two days together if not more. I did get a brief email today, saying that he was getting things togehter slowly, and that he hasn't been checking his messages. We have not offically broken up, but he asked for time to get his head screwed on straight and I said ok (this was after a very bad episode). I have no issue in giving time and space, but I do like to know where I stand. I am hoping that he will want to see me soon and that we can plan on doing something FUN that he loves. I just want him to be happy and ok..with or without me. Thats all I want. STill, I think i am good for him cause I am a tough cookie and he makes me happy.

 

[Jimmy1]

My opinion is that they have to go on a range of medications to start with as well as therapy. Being a big guy makes no difference. My weight has varied from a mere 87 kg up to 130 kg and the medication does not change. Just remember, the medication is for the brain not the body. The pain adds to his bouts of depression too, speaking from experience. I put up with herniated and worn out discs until just recently and it does not help. Just the fact that I could not do some of the basics affected my self image.

Really though, he has to want to go to therapy in the first place, and until he has hit rock bottom and wants to go, there is not much you can do. It is alright to change your medication too, but once your stable. Some people find that their medication is no longer working, or hear about a different one.

 

[Angelina92]

Jimmy
I definately think he has hit rock bottom. He does not want to be on meds for the rest of his life and he does not want this to affect the rest of his life.

 

[wife of]

[QUOTEMy mistakes (all of them, big or little) are unforgiveable ][/QUOTE]
sorry darling.....but that....right there.....is a load of bollocks.....if he isn't communicating then its human instinct to imagine the worst just as he does about things.....and as for knowing what will trigger him off.....well unless you are actualy wonder woman and haven't told us then of course your mistakes are forgiveable....you are only human and I think that sometimes us in the harpie brigade forget that not being wonder woman is fine.....and I think that sometimes when we cope well for a long time then our vets can forget it as well....XXX