What Is The Thought Process Involved In Isolating?

[Mockingbird13]

Steph,
Take care of yourself, find a support group - it has done wonders for me. I may not like the direction mine is going in right now, but I have learned if we were both a mess we were absolutely no good to each other.

Remember, neither you or he asked for this - PTSD invaded your lives.

Keep coming back - read a learn - the more information I recieve helps me to understand.

Keeping you in my prayers

 

[Jimmy1]

Steph, write him a letter rather than confronting him personally. Tell him that you have learnt about it. Tell him that there is this forum. Tell him that you are there for him.
He can either tear it up and burn it, or he might take notice.

 

[Redheaded Stranger]

Mine left a year ago - and to this I day I do not know where he is.... He will call occasionaly, and stop by - but we are not to know where he is ,what he does or anything???? If we do ask, you better watch out, we either get a lash of anger, or the simple yet frustrating "I don't know".

Mockingbord13,

A year!?!? You are one strong woman. I know where mine is and what he is doing; he just isn't here with me and I'm trying not to take it personally. I don't know how you are coping and sure don't have any worthy advice for you. If you have any to share, I'd soak it up. I know I don't want anyone else so I guess waiting is my only option. I think when he left last year that I pushed him too hard and pushed him away. So my short texts at night are it for now. I have drafted an email which I probably will never send. But it is a good way to vent and to tell him what I want to say even though I don't really have that option.

So big hugs and love to Mockingbird13 and Steph. I guess we are kind of in this together and it is nice not to be alone, even though I feel very alone.

Redheaded Stranger

 

[Steph_F]

I'm am so touched and so grateful for you guys! RHS and Mockingbird, thank you so much for reaching out and accepting me and for understanding why I "don't just leave and go find someone who makes me happy" bullshit! I HATE being told that by some of my closest friends and my family. I'm not stupid, I know my worth. If my unhappiness outweighs my pain, I'll probably leave. They just don't understand "it's not completely his fault" and "he's not hurting my feelings on purpose". They think I'm just making excuses for his behavior. I am, but excuses are not really excuses when they are the truth. Anyway, thanks for being here for me!

Jimmy, thank you for sharing all that you do so I can maybe make things easier for another combat vet! (my sargent). As we say here in America, gracias amigo! ...settle down people, it was a joke! ;)

 

[Mockingbird13]

Steph,

If my unhappiness outweighs my pain, I'll probably leave.

- Sadly, this is where Im at now....

 

[Steph_F]

In the long run honey, you have to trust in God, or fate or whatever that if things are meant to be, they will be. You can only give so much before you start giving of yourself and if you give too much, what good is an empty you???

Keep writing and venting and sharing and knowing that you seem like an extraordinary woman and you have more strength than you realize you do...we all do, we are women, we are made to be able to take about anything!

Start finding things that you enjoy doing, things that make you feel alive and strong, start thinking about investing time in something worthwhile that you truly LOVE doing. Share that with your guy. PTSD or not, I think that its human nature to want to be with someone who is fun and exciting and active and engaging. Maybe he will want to come around alittle more?? just an idea :)

 

[Redheaded Stranger]

Mockingbird13,

I am so sorrry. I've been crying most of the day myself and feel like I'm coming apart. I'm sorry you are in pain and hope that it gets better soon.

Please take care of yourself in the basic ways. Get regular and good sleep. Exercise. Eat right and not all the crap that bogs us down. Socialize. Take a hot bath. I'm totally serious. Please take care of yourself.

You are so loved and appreciated here. Please stay the course and stay strong. You are a very special person and have held out for so long. Please know that you will get through this and will have new friends to boot.

Hugs and love to you.

Red

 

[Ned]

Redheaded Stranger,

First, I'm going to get all precious and say it's more solitude than isolation for me. Your bloke seems to be doing what I do.
What it feels like is an overwhelming pathological need for complete solitude.
And it's very democratic, this may sound trite but don't take it too personally it's avoidance of the whole human race.
What I feel at these times is a real need (just like hunger, tiredness, breathing) to be on my own, to get away from the noise, buzz and demands I can't meet.
After a day or so the engine winds down to sensible revs, I start to feel again and I'm not spending all my time avoiding, or, worse, in lock-down.
As to what he's feeling, well, probably not very much. The flight reflex has taken over, can't fight, the rules of engagement are changed, so it's time to bug out. Feelings, sadly, don't come into it very much.
And that's the bit that most people find so hard to understand, and I don't blame you! What he and I do is so completely opposite to normal human sociable instinct and affection that it must be very hurtful. If he's anything like me he's probably on a guilt trip as soon as he's gone but that over-arching need for solitude is going to win out. That also explains the lack of comms, the appearance of not caring, the disconnect. The best thing to make him want to come back? Reassure him that you're coping, that frees up a lot of headspace for calming down. If you can, try not to be hurt by the withdrawal, and if you succeed in that, let him know. You're doing it right with the short, simple & reassuring texts.
Agree with what QueensOwn says, too, don't get too worried by the signs of irritation. We've all got that exasperation with people actively chasing noise and trivia. It's not snobbishness or a superiority complex, he's just been re-wired, quite fundamentally, and those things are surplus to requirements.
You won't meet many materialistic blokes on these pages, it drives my lass bonkers sometimes.

 

[Steph_F]

Its so much easier said than done! To back up and allow someone you care about hurt and feel crappy about themselves. I struggle with it all the time. I know the right thing to do, putting it into practice is a whole other thing all together. When he lets me know what he is doing 24/7 most of the time, then BAM...out of nowhere, he's gone and it pisses him off when I innocently I ask what he is doing when I don't hear from him for a long time. I know he goes through this when he is stressed out, and he almost always shares his stress with me, or sometimes we identify the stress together. But nothing much has changed that I know of, so its very bewildering to me.

Even though it hurts like hell to be shoved aside so rudely, the Vets on here have taught me not to take it personally, but again, that is hard when I am not a perfect person. I make mistakes all the time, some are little, like I will use an expression that he doesn't like or some are big like I throw a temper tantrum and hint that he is with someone else. My mistakes (all of them, big or little) are unforgiveable and potentionally relationship-ending, but his heart-crushing words and his tossing me aside lilke yesterday's trash is to be taken in stride...it gets so so hard to accept and to tell myself that its just PTSD and that he doesn't mean it. Sometimes I think of when I was a Nursing Assistant working with the elderly and how some of the people would become combative and lash out at me as I was caring for them, they were doing so because of their dementia or Alzheimer's...I know that they didn't mean it and they actaully liked me and appricated the cares that I helped them with. In no way do I mean any disrespect to my Veteran, I love that man with all my heart, I have never been in love with anyone so utterly and completely (this of course makes my heart vunerable), but sometimes I have a hard time reminding myself that he also doesn't mean it, that it is out of his control and that he does love me, and maybe loves me so much that it also makes him more vulnerable...I don't know, I guess I am just rambling now...sorry...

**Please don't take any of this as bashing on him, I don't really mean it. The question is do you guys think that his love for me makes him even more vulnerable to stress and overwhelming stress?? I know this sounds cocky and too self-assured but I know this man and I have known him for a long time and I know that his love for me only rivals his love of his children.

 

[Ned]

The question is do you guys think that his love for me makes him even more vulnerable to stress and overwhelming stress?? I know this sounds cocky and too self-assured but I know this man and I have known him for a long time and I know that his love for me only rivals his love of his children.

Well Steph, one thing I forgot to mention on my first post is that I think I'm very lucky. My girl thinks a lot like you, I sometimes think she's TOO nice. But then again if she wasn't that nice she would've scarpered long ago. I do love her and that inevitably means one hell of a conflict when the beast/lizard/predator/dumb animal intent only on survival emerges.

I put a post about needing isolation/solitude up today. I should have mentioned that the reason we do this is it works. In a way it's brain laziness, first technique most blokes find that relliably works so they stick to it.
It does work and a lot of blokes would call that IA's, TTPs, SOPs etc. Point is, when you feel threatened, stressed, overloaded, you regress to training/experience/reflex and the brain laziness is a commanded part of that. Most of the men under discussion will have learnt to rely on that anticipatory reflex and it's done before YOU know there's an issue. Hence your 'Where did THAT come from?'.
Oh, look, he's hard-targetted away over the horizon.........
So in that sense, yes it is out of his control, the reflex happens first, then, in solitude, he's got all the time in the world to reflect upon how that hurts you.
Silly, isn't it? There is no rudeness or offence intended, but everything that's in the way of the dash for cover will be pushed aside.
There is no doubt that being in love makes it more difficult (harder to rely on the lazy reflex, and inevitable guilt). but in my case I would certainly balance that against what I want to be. Somewhere down the line I want to repay all that perseverance and hope....

 

[princessx]

I'm am so touched and so grateful for you guys! RHS and Mockingbird, thank you so much for reaching out and accepting me and for understanding why I "don't just leave and go find someone who makes me happy" bullshit! I HATE being told that by some of my closest friends and my family. I'm not stupid, I know my worth. If my unhappiness outweighs my pain, I'll probably leave. They just don't understand "it's not completely his fault" and "he's not hurting my feelings on purpose". They think I'm just making excuses for his behavior. I am, but excuses are not really excuses when they are the truth.

Amen! Exactly my thoughts.

 

[princessx]

Redheaded Stranger,

First, I'm going to get all precious and say it's more solitude than isolation for me. Your bloke seems to be doing what I do.
What it feels like is an overwhelming pathological need for complete solitude.
And it's very democratic, this may sound trite but don't take it too personally it's avoidance of the whole human race.
What I feel at these times is a real need (just like hunger, tiredness, breathing) to be on my own, to get away from the noise, buzz and demands I can't meet.
After a day or so the engine winds down to sensible revs, I start to feel again and I'm not spending all my time avoiding, or, worse, in lock-down.
As to what he's feeling, well, probably not very much. The flight reflex has taken over, can't fight, the rules of engagement are changed, so it's time to bug out. Feelings, sadly, don't come into it very much.
And that's the bit that most people find so hard to understand, and I don't blame you! What he and I do is so completely opposite to normal human sociable instinct and affection that it must be very hurtful. If he's anything like me he's probably on a guilt trip as soon as he's gone but that over-arching need for solitude is going to win out. That also explains the lack of comms, the appearance of not caring, the disconnect. The best thing to make him want to come back? Reassure him that you're coping, that frees up a lot of headspace for calming down. If you can, try not to be hurt by the withdrawal, and if you succeed in that, let him know. You're doing it right with the short, simple & reassuring texts.
Agree with what QueensOwn says, too, don't get too worried by the signs of irritation. We've all got that exasperation with people actively chasing noise and trivia. It's not snobbishness or a superiority complex, he's just been re-wired, quite fundamentally, and those things are surplus to requirements.
You won't meet many materialistic blokes on these pages, it drives my lass bonkers sometimes.

This is the best advice...I've pretty much ever read. This is spot on to what is going on in my life right now. Thank you so much for this!