What is this?? I can barely keep my eyes open, today.

[SeekingAfrica]

I can barely keep my eyes open today, it's like nothing matters.

I had a bad few months, with a LOT of all the bad symptoms(nightmares, anxiety, depression, isolating, barely functioning etc).
Last 10 days I've been making small changes in my routine(making sure I cover the physical/mental care basics) and saw huge positive change.

Then today, when I finally have hope again(money on me, some, work ahead meaning I won't have to starve again...), I should have been exstatc.
Instead, had nightmares again, woke late.
Not only is it hard to feel anything(can't make myself work-from home thankfully, can't find something that makes me excited for the near future, just can't feel it).
So mentally I'm numb. Physically I feel weak, foggy and barely awake.

Thinks are starting to improve, isn't this now that I should jump for joy?
Can't feel it though. Can barely make myself stay awake, so I made a plan- got fast food lunch(desperate times), made a work list and plan to eat, nap and work in chunks and avoid thinging of the future.
What is happening to me??

 

[shimmerz]

Hi SeekingAfrica. I am not certain what it may be. I can only share experiences I had that seemed counter-intuitive, as yours does. I noticed whenever I felt 'safe' after having experienced intense survival stuff, I would cave. It was like the intense survival stuff was keeping me going and I collapsed when everything was alright because my body needed a break.

Are you able to keep up with even just minimal self care stuff? Brushing teeth, drinking water, etc? If so, can you tell yourself while you are doing these things what a great job you are doing in taking care of yourself?

 

[arfie]

what you are describing sounds like what i call, "battle fatigue." when i am fighting my mental illness while attempting to keep my life on track, i grow so weary from the stress and strain that a magic unicorn landing in front of me would be worthy of a weary shrug. i'll care tomorrow, thank you kindly. self-care? ? ? what's that? ? ? i'm not the brightest penny in the piggy bank when i'm battle fatigued.

dunno if it's the same thing, but my remedy for my own battle fatigue is to quit fighting. in my military training, R&R (rest and recreation) is the standard treatment for battle fatigue. in my psychotherapy training, "radical acceptance" and "mindfulness" are the standard treatment, alongside reminders that rest and self care are productive activities. ya can't expect a neglected, over-heated machine to perform well.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I think you're both right in a way. I think every body-mind-soul part of me is just exhausted. I'm only getting a smidge of energy now at the end of the day.
@shimmerz I can sort-of keep up with the minimum care, though sadly I can't say the same about the chaos in my apartment. Hopefully I'll tackle that tomorrow.
@arfie Thanks. It feels like the same thing. Just lots of laying down and sleep is doing it's job slowly. I'll attempt to work, but even that is at the end of the day and happening in bits and pieces. I still feel weak, but at least getting up is an option.

There is SO MUCH to fix, and I'm afraid I'll regret not using as much of today as I can. But I can't feel it yet.
For now? I'm kind of happy managing to sit up and work for 10min, and retreat for a break and then again...
I hate this but apparently I need this after all the guilt, fear and anxiety I've been having pumping through my body for months.
But this has to be the right explanation, because I've been depressed and not wanting things when you're depressed feels different, if that makes sense.
I'm just .... feeling like my body got hit by a truck, after nothing significant happening yesterday, but perhaps things just compounded.

 

[arfie]

For now? I'm kind of happy managing to sit up and work for 10min, and retreat for a break and then again...

for now, that is plenty. itsy bitsy baby steps make the soundest journey.

for what it's worth
when my business was new and my ptsd largely untreated, i made my first step toward better self-care by declaring myself to be a company asset. maintenance required for all company assets. it helped me see the benefit of investing a few of those work breaks on company maintenance.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

for now, that is plenty. itsy bitsy baby steps make the soundest journey.

for what it's worth
when my business was new and my ptsd largely untreated, i made my first step toward better self-care by declaring myself to be a company asset. maintenance required for all company assets. it helped me see the benefit of investing a few of those work breaks on company maintenance.

Love the idea. Hope it's true because I think 30min was all I could do today and I think I may sleep unnaturally early.

 

[shimmerz]

I'm kind of happy managing to sit up and work for 10min, and retreat for a break and then again...

This is self care as well. Self care just means being aware that you need a break and you are giving it a break because you care about yourself. Sounds like you are doing a great job.

 

[Friday]

A sudden reduction of stress? Often causes a REBOUND effect. With symptoms far worse than suffered during stress. As far as I know, no one knows why. Just that it happens. No disorder necessary. Just a human thing.