What is wrong with “fixing”?

[OceanSpray]

I put up another post asking what ways you feel supported because of a fight ish I’ve had with a friend.

Another thing she brought up is she wants me to stop trying to fix things. She says she wants me to just listen to her. I do listen to her, gladly and I don’t step in with advice, I’ve learned my lesson on that a very long time ago.

But. . . if the thing she’s complaining about is in my realm of capabilities, why can’t I help?

She works extremely hard and is frequently short on money, I am doing okay, so why can’t I slip a $20 in her bag when she’s not looking or treat her to dinner or pay her admission to something fun? Or like her brother/another friend or mine is trying to start his own business. I understand the industry it’s in and things he needs, they are incredibly tight on money and so I ordered some things, apparently that was overstepping. But I don’t see how it is. It doesn’t over extend me, I would never use it against them, I’m not trying to act superior or anything, I’m super careful not to let on where I am financially so that there isn’t some weird dynamic or making them feel some type of way. But I feel like I’m screwing up left and right when all I want to do is help because I don’t know what to do with myself otherwise.

 

[arfie]

on the receiving end, continual efforts to *fix* me leave me feeling hopelessly defective. being broke is not the same thing as being broken.

on the giving end, it is exceedingly difficult to know when i am actually helping and when i am paving roads to hell with my good intentions. i often miss critical details which turn my best guesses into social nightmares.

But I feel like I’m screwing up left and right when all I want to do is help because I don’t know what to do with myself otherwise.

empathy. i often wish i was as smart as i feel when i step in, but i'm growing ever more convinced that finding new things to do with myself is the better route. often nothing is the best thing to do. i'm a go-getter. doing nothing is hard work for me.

 

[Ecdysis]

I think I would feel it was over-stepping too and would feel uncomfortable.

 

[Rose White]

It shifts the balance of power, which is why T’s are discouraged from giving or receiving gifts. Sometimes it’s ok but if a friend specifically is asking you not to do that they are setting a boundary and their reasons for that boundary don’t have to be disclosed for them to expect others to respect it.

 

[Friday]

1. Are you doing for others what you want them to do for you? That’s where most of us start, as we’re our own best frame of reference, most people judge others by themselves. The thing is, though, that when someone tells you what THEY want, and you keep doing what you want? You’re not helping them. The same way that others haven’t helped you. It makes you feel good, to do what feels right to you; but it’s not making them feel good. It’s making them feel unheard & not worth listening to, or worse, disbelieved & ignored. Doing what’s right …for someone else… usually doesn’t feel good.

2. If you decide to ignore someone’s “No. Stop.”? You’d better have a reeeeeeeeally good reason. Like you’re saving their life, or they’re a toddler & you’re the responsible adult, or you’re their boss/outrank them & have the final word.

^^^ I run into these 2 things face first ALL the time, so pretty much have the double check as a knee jerk. It’s actually easiest when I have good reasons all day long, so I’m cheerfully ignoring people SCREAMING at me to stop; so NON-life threatening situations, with adults, who I’m also not their boss issuing them orders??? It’s a LOT easier to see the difference. Worlds of difference. It’s hardest when I’m relaxed, enjoying myself, and NOT dealing with life threatening situations, small children, and where the buck stops day in and day out. Then the same sort of see a problem, fix a problem, that makes me good at work… starts happening on autopilot, in all areas of my life. Because I’m reeeeeeeally. not. thinking. I’m especially not thinking about them, and what they want. I’m thinking about what I want. Because I’m all relaxed, and enjoying myself, and don’t have the stark comparison to make seeing the difference easy. So unless I check myself? I don’t realize I’m treating people as incompetent, children, or like they don’t rate.

3. If you’re NOT doing for others how you want others to do for you? Ask yourself why you would treat someone in a way you don’t want to be treated AND they don’t want to be treated. <<< THAT tends to have a lot more complicated answers attached.

 

[Movingforward10]

I would agree with others

You haven't been asked to do those things. And you have done then. By doing that, you take away their autonomy. You also take away their ability to be resourceful for themselves. It also could feel a power play.

What's stopping you from understanding their experience of that?

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

I think these things can be generous and loving things to do; I’ve become ok with and happy to receive some of the things you’ve mentioned, but there was also a time where I’d be racked with guilt and very uncomfortable, feeling as if I’ve overstepped or been too “needy”, just for being given these things out of someone’s free and good will.

I’ve only recently become comfortable receiving money from people, and a few years ago I was getting comfortable receiving anything, because in my mind it was my fault that they “felt the need” to be nice to and help me, and things like that. I’ve slowly learnt that, but it’s a tough thing to learn and I think I’ve shut down and refused a lot of help in the past because of it and also probably some feelings of being lesser for being in need / not fully self-sufficient.
For me now? It’s car rides, or being invited in, I still can’t quite hack that I’m not automatically inconveniencing people if they offer to help me out, or cornering them into giving hospitality by existing as a more vulnerable and in-need person. They want to, and they don’t mind, and if they did, they wouldn’t do it, because they don’t need to, and are capable adults to advocate for themselves.

It’s good you think of your friends like this, but maybe they need things to be taken a bit lighter to feel ok with it? People benefit from help much more when they want / accept that they need it. And maybe at some point things will change.
I’ve had some things offered to me for years by friends, until one day I was ready, and actually said yes to the support. I don’t do well with it thrust on me, for my own personal mess of reasons.

Do you find being helpful is a big part of how you value yourself? I’m similar and often screw myself over a bit in pursuit of feeling I’m doing enough (typically not saying no when I should), I still want to be a willing friend, but I’m also learning to take my desperate feelings about myself away from it, so I can do that and look after me too… it’s not the same, but maybe there’s a balance to strike for you too?

 

[Sideways]

Trust and respect, to me, are key to successful relationships. Sometimes, that means not doing things that I might think are kind or good. If someone I am trying to foster a trusting and respectful relationship asks me not to do something - I do my best to respect that. Trust is earned when we respect a person’s boundaries, even if we don’t like those boundaries, or think the boundaries are good ones.

Every so often, a person will hold it against me that I’ve respected unreasonable boundaries they’ve put in place. But that’s invariably a lot less problematic than just ignoring boundaries because I happen to not agree with them.

There have been exceptions to this for me - that is, times when I’ve knowingly completely disregarded boundaries someone has tried to set. Obviously kids, when their boundaries are unsafe. But also folks who are actively suicidal (I will get help when they ask me not to) and when my nan’s dementia got really bad, because she was inconsistent with the things she said she wanted. So, I ignore boundaries intentionally really only very extreme circumstances.