What Is Wrong With Avoidance?

[Neverthesame]

My experience with avoidance has been that, as with all things tied to the human mind. The more you do things the more ingrained it becomes. This is why repetition is the way we learn best.

Wether we are starting out trying to put one foot in front of the other learning to walk, writing the same 26 letters over and over learning to write, or choosing to lock ourselves away from a perceived threat.

The best way it was explained to me was. Think of the human brain as a block of clay, and thoughts as drops of water. When we think something, whether it be consciously or unconsciously. That thought is a drop of water falling on a specific spot on that block of clay then rolling off. Slowly eroding away little channels for subsequent drops to flow. The more we think something, the easier it becomes to think the same thing. After a lot of repetition, these channels become very deep fast pathways. Trying to divert these well established pathways is very difficult, even counterintuitive.

Avoiding something, tells us that there is something dangerous out there. Something so dangerous, we don't even have to see it to believe it is there. Do this long enough, it no longer matters if something is there or not. The fear becomes the biggest threat. The fear will always be there, justifying the avoidance. This is why it is advised to seek help early when you are diagnosed with ptsd. The longer you avoid it and try to bury the thoughts and fears. The more ingrained the disorder becomes, the harder it is to change.

Forcing oneself to face this fear then, becomes therapeutic. As it causes new thoughts, such as. "I went to the store today, crossed the busy road. I was not physically harmed in any way." Do it again and again. Build the experience to battle the unjustified fear. So you can say with conviction "I can cross the road anytime I need. It is safe enough. I have done it a thousand times now, and have not been harmed. I now know that I do not need to avoid this. I have many more experiences of successfully crossing the road safely, than not."

I am being a bit simplistic here I realize. But this is the way it was explained to me.

 

[Joan]

I believe there is a difference as well in avoidance and learning what works for you...i.e. for me grocery shopping is a horrible thing so I get my groceries delivered.....some may term that avoidance, I call it coping....I let someone shame me for it, but then stood up for myself and proud to figure it out. For me PTSD is an energy sucking monster....so I choose how my energy is used. I would rather get my groceries (and anything else I need) delivered and have the energy to go have coffee or a drink or hike with a friend. I think each person has to find what works for them...there can be suggestions from others and therapists, but you know yourself better than anyone. Connection with the outside world can take many forms as well. I am seeking a way to give back...the thought of going somewhere busy and loud to volunteer is overwhelming...so I am applying to be a volunteer on an online crisis chat...can give back without putting myself in "harms" way. Evaluate for yourself what you need right now...do not let anyone else shame you for what you know you need right now.

 

[PTSD NON VETERAN mom]

I isolate and disassociate every day, I make quick trips to the local grocery store and pharmacy. I continue to see my therapist weekly and psychiatrist every 6 weeks. Severe anxiety, stress, guilt and depression fills my days and nightmares and insomnia still fill my nights. I'm coming up on the 1 year anniversary of my son's death and it still feels unreal when my therapist makes a point of it because it seems like a month ago.
I've been set back by two more very tragic events recently with my surviving son and can't believe how all this can be real for my only two kids. My mother called and asked me how I can stand doing nothing day after day I do not know how to explain all this to her. Little does she know my inner battles to get through the day everyday. My therapist accused me this week that I'm on a pity party and I need to get my life back on track. I didn't agree with that description but I know she is trying to snap me out of this isolation. My husband was livid when I told him what she said because he knew the old me and misses her desperately but has been my rock and I work hard to not push him away. I take a handful of pills every night for insomnia, depression, PTSD, and anti psychotic s to help with the flashback nightmares. During the day I take pills for anxiety and the flashbacks. I know the prescriptions have really helped with the psychotic episodes (flashbacks) and insomnia and sleep walking. Sorry getting off subject. But I never feel isolated, I know I have let alot of people down which I feel bad about but when I get through this chapter of my life I will make it up to them. Life is exhausting...

 

[SeaQuel]

@PTSD NON VETERAN mom I'm so sorry for the loss of your son and your current struggles. I understand a lot of what you've written here. Anniversaries are tough, and I'm coming up on one myself. Ever since I developed PTSD, time has in many ways stayed still, and I guess that's part and parcel of PTSD ("freeze"). I would also be angry if my therapist said what yours did. Is she a trauma therapist?

You are not having a pity party; you are doing what you can to get from moment to moment. To me, a pity party is more like someone who takes no effort to improve their life situation (treatment, meds, whatever) but continues to complain about it. When you are ready, you will know and will begin to reincorporate things from your past and new things, too. That's my view anyway.

By the way, welcome to the forum! It's been of extreme value for me so far and hope it is for you as well.

 

[rightkindofme]

That's not a pity party. If you are only a year out from the death of your child, you are still in deep preliminary grief and telling you to hurry up and get over it is very disrespectful. I would fire someone who said that to me.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Do what you can when you can.

 

[PTSD NON VETERAN mom]

I talked to my therapist (yes she is a trama therapist) and told her about my husband's anger about her pity party comment She says she never even came close to wording it that way and my mind just grasped on to a couple words and ran with it. Ugh! When I see her next week I have to tell her another dramatic event that happened to me this week with me having to put down my loving loyal 15 year old dog. I feel like she might just roll her eyes and say "God what next!" I'm finding that I am hiding flashbacks, dissociation and other symptoms from her so she feels like I'm progressing. Is this common for suffers to do this in long time therapy?

 

[Friday]

I feel like she might just roll her eyes and say "God what next!" I'm finding that I am hiding flashbacks, dissociation and other symptoms from her so she feels like I'm progressing. Is this common for suffers to do this in long time therapy?

I've never found faking orgasms to be useful. I'm not having any fun, and I'm training someone to think I am, and to keep doing what's not working.

And therapy isn't even a 2 person activity. It's not 1:1. That's friendship. Therapy is a 2:1 activity. 2 people working for 1 person's gain.

You're in therapy for you. To help you feel better. Not her. If it's not working? Training her to think it is isn't helping you.

 

[SeaQuel]

@PTSD NON VETERAN mom It might be time to start doing some shopping around for a new therapist. It sounds as though what worked (?) before in your relationship is not working now.

I'm glad you confronted her about the pity party comment, but in my opinion a good therapist would have answered that a little differently by acknowledging your hurt. In other words, even if your brain did take whatever she did say out of context, that's not really on you, that's on your therapist. Your therapist should be willing to work at her approach with you so that you understand her intent better. One other thing you may want to give some thought to is why you presented this as your husband's concern and not your own. It bothered you as well, right? You shouldn't feel afraid about saying that directly to your therapist.

There are others here with a lot more experience at this than me, but I would say that if you feel are needing to hide your symptoms and other important things going on in your life, then this therapist is not a good one for you. And hiding this stuff is not in any way going to help you heal. I'm actually surprised she's a trauma therapist, because the roller coaster of symptoms and new memories/experiences that you describe is part of the deal. This is most certainly not a linear process. Maybe she doesn't have enough experience and feels overwhelmed. Based on what you've explained, I really don't think this is about you whatsoever.

You may find that you receive many more responses by posting a "new thread" under the appropriate forum - in this case, it would be in the "therapy" forum. Your current post is buried in my thread about avoidance. Hope this helps and hang in there!

 

[Silver2015]

I have the avoidance thing sometimes very seriously and to the state of agoraphobic if I let it get out of hand, where I can't even get out to take care of grocery or somethings like that. I was advised by counseling to get a dog and take walks with that new pet. That did help a great deal, as I would walk, would meet people and have brief pleasant encounters with them. Later in life, got into horses, and started to go out on my own and ride trails and then again met people and went places that were unfamiliar to me, but ended up very comfortable on these brief encounters and nice folks at the time, without involvements or stresses about them to deeply, or into their drama lives (as some are and I can't handle). I do still isolate, but I also make effort thru the animals to get out and do things, and in some way forced to get out with the dog walking. I do feel better when I get out of the house, and away from the place. Then other times I feel better if I am just alone and not having to deal with anything or anyone for a time. its help relieve a great deal of depressions that go with that too. Making my life a bit less cluttered and more routine has been a blessing and also advised by my therapist too, has helped me.