What Is Wrong With Me? What Should I Do?

[Kla]

I don't know where to start or begin. Honestly, I'm embarrassed to have to be sharing, but I have no clue as what else I can do.

In 2013, I was driving with a friend from Florida to Tampa to pick someone up to take them to Georgia. Long story short we were tired before we even left state. We decided to head back home, but before we tried to get help. So we took energy shots and drinks. Well I started to feel funny, a hard to explain feeling. I tried to ignore it. I thought it was just my adrenaline from the energy boosters. My body went crazy I had no idea what was happening and I got scared. My face started to tingle, then my legs and then I got more scared and I guess my friend noticed something was wrong. I couldn't breathe. I felt like my throat was closing. I actually thought I was having a stroke. I remember saying "Megan, somethings really wrong. I'm not joking"

I woke up in an ambulance as they were taking me out and into the hospital. I passed out, and she called 911 on the interstate. After test and labs, they told me I had a caffeine overdose. So I accepted that. The crazy feeling lasted for 3 days then I was normal again.

After awhile I forgot all about it. Then maybe two months later I had another episode while at a birthday party. Yes, I was drinking. Very heavily actually. I woke up in a bath tub of cold water because I passed out again. After my friends pulled me out I went into convolutions and have no remembrance of anything. I was told this time it was anxiety and that I was having anxiety convolutions. Which I've never even heard of.

Again, I started to feel better and ignore it. Well then I got another one. I was walking to the library with some friends. While we were in there it hit me. I did not pass out or have convolutions. I wish I did because I wouldn't of had to experience it. I was so scared, asked them to go home and they did not want to. I tried to go to the bathroom and throw water on my face. I was hot and then cold. They whole time I was scarred I was going to hit the floor, pass out or die. I really thought I was. I was so embarrassed because I was in the middle of this big place, freaking out. No one would help, no one knew the answer, no one cared.

Eventually I had more and more and more hospital visits because my attacks got so worse. I have seen 7 different doctors. I was told it could be lupus, leukemia, conversion disorder, I was told I was faking it. Can you believe that? That it was all in my head. I eventually started to have so many, more than once a day, everyday. Every time I got in a car to go somewhere I would have one. In the middle of a bar, grocery store, or just at home while relaxing watching TV. Anywhere.

I am what my new doctor calls a "rare case" (to him). He is trying so hard to help, but nothing seems too. No one knew or understood or could help me. Not only was I suffering and not knowing. I really thought I was going crazy. So I moved in with my mother to help me with my children.

I FINALLY have found an internal physician that has been wonderful. He not only cared, he listened. After test and labs and talking to me, he also assumed anxiety/panic disorder. He thought also depression. I assured him I was only depressed because of my situation and not living normal and it was causing stress and misery. He thought there was another issue, like I was hiding something. He asked me if I have encountered any traumas at all. Yes! A few. I didn't see how that was related. Silly me!

In 2011 I was in a car accident as a passenger and my seat belt saved me. I almost died. Now that panic was was real. I knew that was real shock. I was scared to get in a car for awhile after that. At the time I had my learners and refused to get my licence. I still don't have it. Well, I still ride with people and I'm not scared but I still know something could happen I just wear my seat belt and I was fine. But I never ever had an attack around that time or ever knew what one was.

My next one was during the time of the caffeine story. I was dating a guy that was not a nice guy. I wont go into details because I just rather not. I suffered eight months out of the 12 months we were together. The word abusive don't even begin to describe. I know you may ask why so long. It was hard to escape and I tried. Again, around this time only that one attack with caffeine.

While I was still with him, I was working at a popular club in town. I was working for a long time there. I knew everyone, and was like family and my second home. One of my friends/coworkers decided to shoot and kill three of my other friends/coworkers. We were all friends. Here one day gone the next. I couldn't really cry or be sad or show it. I wasn't allowed to.The boyfriend again. Eventually a few months after my friends died my job shutdown, I lost my apartment, and was still being abused. I finally got away and that's when the attacks got worse.

I'm Away and safe yet, I have panic attacks? So my doctor thinks I have PTSD as well. You name it, I've probably taken it. Celxa, Paxil, Xanax, Lorezepam Ativan (which I was allergic to, and found out) Zoloft and a few others. These medications don't help. They make me worse. I'm either sleep all the time. Walking out the door and to the mailbox is a struggle for me. I'm sick all the time with headaches, or dizzy. Every I wake up I just know I will have one. Not everyday is a huge big one,but I always have feelings. My Doctor suggests to me I see a mental health professional. So I did. The ONLY one place that would take me and my insurance. The did an evaluation and wont help me. They never return my calls or make other appointments for me.

So my current situation is this.. I stay home. I go NOWHERE (except to see my doctor). I don't even go to the store. I have more attacks than I can count. No medications have seen to help except the Xanax helps a little. But since I come from a family of drug abusers, I don't like taking it. EVERYDAY I'm scared I'm going to have an attack. Everyday, I feel I will never get help. Everyday I feel I will never have a normal life again.

I can't leave the house, and if I do want to the fear of having an attack will come. Even when I'm not scared of ANYTHING. I have them. Is it normal to have more than 20 a month? Its gotten so bad and hard to cope. It's falling on my life, my family, my children. I'm miserable and at a loss. I even called the army to see if they could tell me what to do for PTSD. Yes, I know that may be funny, but I've never heard of a civilian (non- military) person have PTSD. How do I fix myself, what can I do? Am I ever going to be okay and have my life back?

I want to work, start my career. I want to go see movies, friends, go shopping. I want to be able to leave the house and do into town and see my other family, new additions. I want to attend birthdays and cope. I want to do these things, but I cant. How could I work if I sometimes have more than 1 attack a day? If medications are not helping and there is no therapist who accept my insurance near me what can I do? Is it hopeless?

I cant keep living like this. So this is my first time trying a forum. I've never done something like this. I was scared at first, this is an embarrassing thing to go through. I really could use some insight or advice. Please and thank you.

 

[bekbek]

I am so so sorry to hear how hard things are for you at the moment. With, what I am assuming is panic attacks, I did a bunch of therapy for them. Although it helped to a point, the best thing I ever did was go to a website called panicaway. It absolutely changed my thinking on panic attacks and helped enormously.

I had a agoraphobia for 2 years and I know how hard it is to get out of that cycle. There is a lot of support out there, especially online. I think talking to a therapist is really important so keep looking for one.

Never be embarrassed about these. You've been through a huge amount of trauma and the mind and body can only shut it down before eventually it breaks free. The most important thing is to get help ASAP. If you are not able able to find a therapist at the moment see if there are any support groups near you.

There are chat rooms online and so many forums and websites for people to chat to each other. I know it feels like the end of the world right now and that everything is collapsing around you but I swear it can get better for you.

 

[bekbek]

And just quickly stay away from caffeine and especially energy drinks. They are not a friend for anyone who is having anxiety or panic issues. I don't drink alcohol either because it triggers my anxiety something shocking

 

[Echo]

@Kla - welcome to the forum. I just wanted very briefly to say, that as you are not able to get therapy via your insurance, there may be help available in other ways.

If you have trauma associated with domestic violence or anything sexual, then you could turn to one of the women's charities. I don't know which country you are in, but they are available in most Western countries. In the US one of the main charities is RAINN. They provide help with many aspects of all of this, have support groups generally, and can also help you find a therapist. I am in the UK and they offer therapeutic help for a low fee, or for free if you can't afford it.

I hope this helps. Do also stay on this forum; there is a great deal of support here and information, too. People understand, which is the greatest help.[DOUBLEPOST=1398512827,1398512678][/DOUBLEPOST]PS you might well get a notice from the site, staff or moderators asking you to put paragraphs in your writing. Many people with PTSD struggle to read long passages of text, so one of the site rules is to pay attention to your grammar so that more people can read what you say (and more of them can help you!). Most of us get these notices at first, but it is easy to correct. Just a heads-up.

 

[Kla]

Is it okay to force through them. Like I'm scared to go see friends, should I just fight it and go and try to overcome? I cant make it to the mail box, should I just do it no matter what and push myself? Will doing so harm me at all? Yes, I haven't had energy drinks after that. I quit smoking, drinking, and I started to eat better. But I also hear alcohol could help. Like for an example, a dinner party. A glass could calm your nerves. I use to drink on occasions but thought if I was drunk or near that I might hurt myself if I had an attack while drinking. So I gave anything unhealthy away. That's a plus though.[DOUBLEPOST=1398513217,1398513016][/DOUBLEPOST]

@Kla PS you might well get a notice from the site, staff or moderators asking you to put paragraphs in your writing. Many people with PTSD struggle to read long passages of text, so one of the site rules is to pay attention to your grammar so that more people can read what you say (and more of them can help you!). Most of us get these notices at first, but it is easy to correct. Just a heads-up.

This is my first time, I was nervous and I felt if I posted in paragraphs, it would of made it longer. I didn't want to get feedback for it dragging on but I wanted the whole story on there so I could get better help. I'll try to remember for next time. I apologize.

 

[Echo]

@Kla - no need to apologise to me. I just know when I got my first notice, it gave me a bit of a shock. We often arrive on this site in a bit of state, and I know it took me all my courage to reach out, so the notice gave me a bit of a lurch. I just wanted to let you know it might happen.

By the way, it is totally fine to share as much as you want. We all do that!

 

[Kla]

Yes, it did. Thank you for the head up though. Also I don't mean to correct you but it's Kla as like the other Kayla. It's just different spelling, most just spell it all the same. Oh, and I haven't gave up my therapist search just yet. Keeping fingers crossed. :)

 

[cherryblossom]

[notice]@Echo I have corrected your '@' links to Kla[/notice]

 

[Echo]

@cherryblossom - thank you. The new font is making i look like l on my laptop screen, and vice versa. I think someone else mentioned this to @anthony via the help desk. But thanks for correcting it. And I'll remember you are @Kla from now on!

 

[cherryblossom]

After my friends pulled me out I went into convolutions and have no remembrance of anything. I was told this time it was anxiety and that I was having anxiety convolutions.

What are convolutions?

Everything you describe sounds like panic attacks.

If you can't get therapy, have you looked into self-help books? There are plenty our there.

Or perhaps look at https://www.myptsd.com/threads/ptsd-therapy-one-page-as-simple-as-it-gets.16010/#post-202964 and the PDF link in the first post of that thread.

 

[presentjoy]

I think Kla means convulsions. I've had something that looked like convulsions from anxiety that is very extreme.

I had a panic attack recently out of the blue, just walking in downtown with an old friend. I couldn't understand why I was suddenly feeling faint and nauseous and cold and hot and sweaty. I had to sit down on the steps of a museum and breathe. Yoga breathing helped me come back to feeling okay and we went for lunch. I'd encourage you to look into some of this. Some of the charities mentioned might offer trauma yoga, or even mindfulness or relaxation techniques. These aren't a cure but can be very useful for, if you can recognize the early signs of a panic attack can physiologically help your body understand it's not in danger.

Hope you can find the help you need, Kla. You've been through a lot. It's good that you're here.

PJ

 

[Kla]

Convulsions, like a seizure. I'm sorry for that mistake, I should have explained more.

Thank you for your insight and advise.