Poll What Is Your Worst Symptom?

[TLight]

I chose anger, which is really a tough one for me. I get angry at men so much. I get 'hit on' a lot and disrespected more than you can believe. Brings up my rage so intensely and hurts the left side of my brain. It's excruciating. So tired of being degraded.........stems right back to what "he-it" did to me.......then all the repeated victimizations. I'm trying to let go of the anger, been trying for so long. Last night did a forgiveness ritual. I really don't want to hate all men, but at this point I keep having negative experience after negative experience. Seems they are all pigs. I'm considered very attractive and no one cares about me, the me 'in here.' Makes me so lonely, isolated and angry.

If I could, I'd add another category. Many of us suffer from the physical after effects of trauma. I've had Fibromyalgia and been in complete pain and exhaustion for 16 years.........the abuse broke down my body, the stress was too much. Many of us have other physical effects. I'd definately say this is the WORSE effect of trauma for me. I used to be so strong and healthy.......now, it seems I could be chronically ill for the remainder of my life. Very hard to forgive when this is looming...........but, God knows, I'm praying and trying. I figure if I forgive in my heart all the many wickeded people who used and hurt me, perhaps my body can heal. It's my only hope.

 

[midi]

Right now it's a tough choice between anxiety and avoidance. Bleh.

 

[Salu]

Dissociation, avoidance - everything related to that plus sometimes not being able to handle men even being too close to me. Makes me feel like an outsider and I don´t like that. I want to be one of the people inside. Sleep problems and other things I can control if I work enough.

 

[UmightKnowMe]

Flashbacks/Intrusive memories for me. I can sort of hide most of the other stuff or at least keep them to myself...but that one I just can't seem to manage. Being married it is hard to live in today and be the wife I need to be for my husband when I get these horrible reactions when he wants to be close to me. It isn't fair to him, he isnt the perpetrator, but he is 'punished' for it and my brain won't let our time be OUR time.

 

[Mercy]

I picked anxiety,panic attacks and agoraphobia. These set off bad flashbacks especially when I try to get out and 'overcome' them. Right now the changing colors of the fall leaves set off the memories and flashbacks of what happened at this time of year. I hate the feeling of being trapped by something totally beyond my control.

The breathlessness of panic attacks and the sudden rise in my blood pressure are scary. If I am anxious and have been fighting to keep it at bay, fool myself that I'm OK, then just going up the three steps to my front door will set these symptoms off big time. 209/119 isn't a good place to be and I am on blood pressure meds too.

I can't separate hypervigilance from anxiety. For me, they feel the same. At least now I understand why I won't go down a supermarket aisle if there is a man standing in it until he leaves. Shopping can take awhile :)

 

[Dylan]

Y'know, I voted hypervigilance, but as I thought more about it, it's really something else related to hypervigilance. I don't know that it has a name. If anyone knows the name, I'd love to have it defined...

I don't think this would really be called disocciating/ depersonalization, but on the heels of hypervigilance is this sense of being frozen in time - no past, no future, and I'm always slightly blank, slightly removed/pulled back, not really engaged and "in my body". Although, I'm not hovering outside of it, either. I'm....nowhere. I don't exist.

It doesn't have the fuzziness or dreaminess of disocciation so I'm not sure what to call it. It's similar to what I've seen birds of prey do when they're sort of hovering in the air, staying in one spot. I never land (at least not without the grounding practices, and even then, I almost immediately return to my default position of....being nothing, nowhere).

It's like my body is just a place holder, but I'm not here. Probably some part of me is eternally waiting for the perceived (or even just potential) danger to pass so that I can relax and land. Only, it never does, so I never do.

-Dylan

 

[Anonymoose]

Flooding. For sure. It's unbearable and can't really be changed, just managed.

 

[Other]

Anxiety/Panic/Phobia.

The simple fact that I have to struggle with myself to leave the house is enough to impact my life in a major way. This is also the one thing I continually bring up to my therapist, since I have a hard time seeing any kind of future for myself if I don't get past this.

 

[tardis]

Anger and rage, wanting revenge on those who bullied me. Then guilt for the vengeful thoughts I have towards them. It is a vicious cycle.

 

[cragger65]

I chose low self-esteem as the first I'd love to see go. I suffer chiefly from anxiety, but my negative self image robs my life of light, and I think I could put up with being anxious if I also didn't feel like such a piece of shite.

 

[shiraz]

Distorted thinking needs to go! I know the fear in my head is not real, I know it is related to something which happened a long time ago and still - I can't stop linking it to the present and linking it to the people I love. It hurts me and it hurts them.

 

[fin]

I have struggled with this and this morning I am not able to chosse which one.

BUT

I struggle big time with anger as I dont know what to do with it. I dont know how to express or deal with it. I struggle with other people putting their stuff onto me, and while I may go through some stages of hurt and then drifting into anger (which comes from no where whump!!) and stuff, I end in Anger very quickly being turned inward because I just dont know what to do and I dont want to hurt someone else. EVER

And this conflicts with trying to feel and be loving towards myself as already I am struggling with that because I have been told I am worth nothing all my life.

I know I need to find the love inside myself for me...I just am not able to do it. Everything I do at the moment feels wrong. I know I have to just keeping working on this. The more Iface everything the better at this I will be
I SUCK at this at the moment.

BUt I AM NOT AFRAID.

I WILL do this, it will NOT break me.. I am more afraid of living PTSD full blown and getting worse then I am facing this. And I dont have to speak anymore to anyone if I am afraid of hurting others. The people that know AND KNOW ME will hopefullY understand how important this is, and will want it for me too ...and the people that dont know me...well they think i am shit anyway so what does it matter.

I am sorry I am fragile at the moment and so I may be saying things that are coming from pain, this is not aimed at anyone here on the forum- just to be clear. I am not trying to make anyone else angry or upset or anything. I need to work on stuff and that is what I am trying to do. another thing is I know I have to be in a slightly stronger and better place to be able to try to know what to do with the anger thing. But I could be wrong about that also so...

And yes I know a lot of words for just a little poll. Please dont bust my chops on it.