What people dont really talk about...

[TruthSeeker]

(I was adopted at 5 months)....I always felt like I was missing a story about how I came into being-they never told me about getting adopted. So, to fill in the gap, I drew my birth-the way I would have liked to have been-happy and peaceful. I will never know, records sealed and all. But filling in the information where there was a void, with a positive seems to have quelled that need. I hoped it went down has put that piece into place. My father said when I got pregnant with my daughter that he wished he could have had his own...he'd poured a few beers back. I was pregnant, hormonal, and walked away crying.....sometimes people say some stuff without thinking....I took it as I wasn't good enough.....he may have only wished he could have had the birthing experience....anyway, I'm moving forward with the "want to belong" stuff......I will always want to belong somewhere...we need community and human contact....I'm just finding "alternate folks who seem kind, trustworthy, and are relatively happy, and hang with them." Look for the positive, find it, as it gives the past less power......time really is helping.

 

[AJ45]

I find when I am overcome by that numbness and am feeling as you describe it is because of so much (too much) pain.

I was just thinking, I have a tendency to end up there not only some times, but in sept/ oct (unlike other times don't really know why). I can only suggest don't try to solve the confusion (that's one way the SI gets in, IMHO). Expect it, but also put blinders on and gravitate to anything good, peaceful, calming, safe.

Also try to get sleep and eat (you don't need to deserve it, just aim for a routine). Small steps.

Yes too much pain it never seems to be able to be under control. Yes SI been bad because of all of it. I feel like soul as rotted from inside out. I try to be safe at peace but at last I fail

(I was adopted at 5 months)....I always felt like I was missing a story about how I came into being-they never told me about getting adopted. So, to fill in the gap, I drew my birth-the way I would have liked to have been-happy and peaceful. I will never know, records sealed and all. But filling in the information where there was a void, with a positive seems to have quelled that need. I hoped it went down has put that piece into place. My father said when I got pregnant with my daughter that he wished he could have had his own...he'd poured a few beers back. I was pregnant, hormonal, and walked away crying.....sometimes people say some stuff without thinking....I took it as I wasn't good enough.....he may have only wished he could have had the birthing experience....anyway, I'm moving forward with the "want to belong" stuff......I will always want to belong somewhere...we need community and human contact....I'm just finding "alternate folks who seem kind, trustworthy, and are relatively happy, and hang with them." Look for the positive, find it, as it gives the past less power......time really is helping.

Its hard as adoptive dad as told me since kid and as much as i want to say f u etc he as dementia and I feel bad so its complex. As for adoptive mom i try to understand maybe she wasnt treated the nicest so Idk....

 

[TruthSeeker]

@AJ45 I'm sorry things aren't going well. If you do mindfulness, close your eyes imagine yourself in a sacred garden, and look around at the plants. Your internal landscape that you see may very well be reflective of how you feel. When I did this....nothing was blooming and nothing was green....everything had died. I'd go there to find peace....and clean up the garden.....now when I stop in....cherry trees are in bloom, blue flowered vines, and sunflowers are blooming. Changing the internal landscape can have a positive effect externally.

I came to the conclusion that back then (I'm 60) it was a different time and place. My father was a scientist and research engineer and my mother a homemaker.....she just followed the good wife rules. We were raised in the be seen, not heard philosophy. Since she couldn't have kids herself, she was ignorant about some things kid related. We were emotionally neglected....they both drank....and neglect leaves the doors open for other abuse to "just happen" when they weren't parenting. Can't change it, and they are both dead.
Moving on means forgiving them for their lack of intuition, concern, and stupidity.....no reason for me to shoulder their inadequacies.

 

[AJ45]

I came to the conclusion that back then (I'm 60) it was a different time and place. My father was a scientist and research engineer and my mother a homemaker.....she just followed the good wife rules. We were raised in the be seen, not heard philosophy. Since she couldn't have kids herself, she was ignorant about some things kid related. We were emotionally neglected....they both drank....and neglect leaves the doors open for other abuse to "just happen" when they weren't parenting. Can't change it, and they are both dead.
Moving on means forgiving them for their lack of intuition, concern, and stupidity.....no reason for me to shoulder their inadequacies.

I'm sorry you had to deal with all that no child person should have to and trust me its not a gen thing as my adoptive parents did similar I'm 28.

 

[Tinyflame]

@AJ45 it's very kind (and correct) to note your parents difficulties, but it doesn't make their behaviour acceptable, nor them correct. In fact- it's very likely they're not!

People don't all feel the same. For example, I personally would have loved to adopt, and would have felt privileged to have entrusted a little soul to me by their birth parents, no matter what circumstances required it. I would also have thought of them as having just more people to love them. Also, though many people want only they're birth children, or adopting newborns, or blue-eyed-blonds, or (or.. or..), I never felt like that at all. In fact, I cringe a bit internally when people who are trying to get pregnant and can't don't consider adopting, since it says to me there are big and other conditions they are trying to fill, than simply growing their family. Not to mention, children waiting need a family.

It's not ideal without adoption often, either. I do recall once when one of my sisters or 2, called me a mistake (no biggie to me). Years later when they repeated it a 3rd sister said- well every baby is, aren't they? There's only so much that can be controlled.

No you are not 'rotten' in any way. Just wounded. Recovery is a lot slower the more you're bombarded with more of the same.

@AJ45 what I also found helpful was focusing on a book; peaceful places. Taking your attention off. Pre-planning to avoid interaction or conflict.

When you feel that badly, you have to make it a point to give those things to yourself. And stick with trustworthy people.

 

[AJ45]

@AJ45 what I also found helpful was focusing on a book; peaceful places. Taking your attention off. Pre-planning to avoid interaction or conflict.

When you feel that badly, you have to make it a point to give those things to yourself. And stick with trustworthy people.

Lol its funny you be in up preplan as I do but its more for the end of life stuff lol sorry to laugh its just I'm loosing it

I do books or at least try most of time have no idea what i read. Read on here it hurts me knowing so many others are in pain and despair

 

[Tinyflame]

It's ok @AJ45 I think we all do the pre-plan stuff if it's bad enough that's why I said it, budge the pre-planning to planning recovering instead.

I can't remember what I read either, except for How I Stayed Alive While My Brain was Trying to Kill Me. Just whatever 'came my way', somehow, or sparked my interest. I have a very hard time reading now, which doesn't help. But even say, 2 -5 pages/ day. Can literally put a reminder in your phone.

I try to also remember no bad how something is, to think of something I am thankful for, that is even remotely related, also, at the same time.

 

[AJ45]

It's ok @AJ45 I think we all do the pre-plan stuff if it's bad enough that's why I said it, budge the pre-planning to planning recovering instead.

I can't remember what I read either, except for How I Stayed Alive While My Brain was Trying to Kill Me. Just whatever 'came my way', somehow, or sparked my interest. I have a very hard time reading now, which doesn't help. But even say, 2 -5 pages/ day. Can literally put a reminder in your phone.

I try to also remember no bad how something is, to think of something I am thankful for, that is even remotely related, also, at the same time.

Lol oh I have that book.

 

[Tinyflame]

Lol. I 'found' mine- literally. Must re-read it.

The point is what's distracting from, not leading towards. But that's what you're doing now also. It's not simple distraction, it's formulating a plan to see a different truth, and turn towards it.

@AJ45 just to add, I found physical illness and pain, and insomnia, likely make everything worse. And fear, stress, unsafety and emotional pain. So anything that counters that is helpful.

 

[The Albatross]

the fact that trauma happens when one may not comprehend fully doesnt mean there arent memories that arent understood later.....i ask my therapist what happens if stop drinking etc and cant deal even more response was " good question"

Here to tell ya... bad answer from your shrink. Cuz anyone worth their salt would have been able to be candid enough to tell ya that pouring booze on a depressive mood is like pouring gasoline on a campfire.

What happens if you stop putting a depressive inducing substance in your body? You get habit/behavioral change 101, with support end your coping mechanism on a substance that actually exacerbates symptomology, and have to learn/develop/acquire new methods to cope with emotional issues.

I'd be challenging that shrink next session and asking like, "WTF? and What did you mean by "good question?"

 

[Gs172003]

It sounds to me like your therapist isn't familiar with how meds interact with other substances. Maybe talk to your psychiatrist instead.

 

[AJ45]

Here to tell ya... bad answer from your shrink. Cuz anyone worth their salt would have been able to be candid enough to tell ya that pouring booze on a depressive mood is like pouring gasoline on a campfire.

What happens if you stop putting a depressive inducing substance in your body? You get habit/behavioral change 101, with support end your coping mechanism on a substance that actually exacerbates symptomology, and have to learn/develop/acquire new methods to cope with emotional issues.

I'd be challenging that shrink next session and asking like, "WTF? and What did you mean by "good question?"

its funny cause when i dont drink smoke etc everything becomes so clear and its not a fight anymore of living vs not. the clearness kind of brings up even as kid i never wanted to be here, having clear head makes me realize i dont have to be, i dont have to fight i dont owe anyone anything its my choice. so i guess thats a blessing. my head is no longer indecisive. no one really talks abut what if you have a clear head no drugs etc and still not want to be here. i dont think the alcohol etc makes suicidal stuff worse just based off my experience. didnt drink as kid and behaviors even worse.

It sounds to me like your therapist isn't familiar with how meds interact with other substances. Maybe talk to your psychiatrist instead.

actually being a bit sober these days im learning that i dont have to do shit i have always fought etc because its what im supposed to do but with clearer head i realize i dont have to. that i can remove all taboos and societal standards and just do whats best for me.

Lol. I 'found' mine- literally. Must re-read it.

The point is what's distracting from, not leading towards. But that's what you're doing now also. It's not simple distraction, it's formulating a plan to see a different truth, and turn towards it.

@AJ45 just to add, I found physical illness and pain, and insomnia, likely make everything worse. And fear, stress, unsafety and emotional pain. So anything that counters that is helpful.

i understand.