What precedes grief?

[ILoveLife]

Good morning, afternoon, night.

I think I need to allow myself to grieve, and I do on occasion. But my mind finds ways not to feel and I eventually numb out, not feeling anything and not allowing the grieving process to take hold.

I want to find my grief triggers, not rooted in bitterness or anger, but in the sadness of what happened and what should've happened but didn't. Well, nothing should've happened, but you know, what I prefered it to happen.

I think sometimes I mistake grief for sadness, and sometimes that turns into self blame and self loathing. It's a shit cycle that I would like to get away from.

So I wonder, what precedes grief?
For those who grieved their traumas happening, how did it come about?

Thanks :)

 

[Friday]

The classic five stages of grief are, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

Sounds like you’re running into walls with denial (disassociation) & depression, and are shutting down anger out of fear.

That’s one of the problems with trauma & grief... is that part of the normal grieving process are actually symptoms that can either spiral out of control (like not passing through a depression & sadness stage, but getting sucked into major depression or depressive episode... or denial becomes disassociation/ flashbacks/etc. often completely unrelated to what we’re Grieving, but instead focused on trauma stuff -hint, processing the trauma stuff, helps with that- ... or anger triggers XYZ, so we avoid the f*ck out of it... etc.), or that we’re so used to catching symptoms early and stopping them, that we don’t allow the healthy aspects their time & space.

***

So that’s the psych side of it.

Personally? Grief is an old friend. I’ve had so much grief in my life that it’s almost a welcome relief to be dealing with such a known quantity. Almost.

Because what precedes grief? Is loss. Missing/wanting/pain/mourning. Oftentimes, also, regret.

I don’t do sadness. Can’t handle it, won’t touch it with a 10’ pole if I have any say in it. But Grief? Grief I know very very well.

 

[ILoveLife]

So you're saying this is grief.. but I am stuck?
Makes sense.

I've spent time in all the stages of the Kubler-Ross model, but I haven't stayed long enough in neither.

And you're probably right, it's fear.

Yep - processing helps.
Still numb, can be the meds too.

 

[shimmerz]

So I wonder, what precedes grief?

Loss.

For those who grieved their traumas happening, how did it come about?

By dealing with attachment issues.

Losses become especially traumatic when there are attachment issues going on. Attachment issues make losses intolerable. A walk through hell.

Not sure what your loss was, but I know of quite a few people who have had unhealthy attachments to people they have lost and they seem to lose a necessary and functional piece of themselves in the process.

 

[Changing4Best]

I think shock sometimes precedes it. Like when someone dies, shock is the first thing that hits me. Then the 5 stages. And the stages may not happen in the same order as they were originally discovered. Maybe shock is one of them, I do not know. This is just from my experience. I am no expert.

 

[InsertCoinsHere]

Over the last few months I’ve been grieving pretty hard, and currently I’ve been feeling the loss of my childhood very intensely. However accepting my losses for what they are he given me back a healthy dose of life.

How did this grieving occur?

Body work help e.g. Yoga, Meditation, massages.. helps to unblock those trapped memories
Acceptance of all emotional states and tolerating them. ‘This too shall pass’ has been my corner stone for the past few month.
Exploring my emotional states through breathwork when I am triggered heavily... I often find behind anger there is sadness, after sadness there is loss and from loss there is a gained understanding, greater self compassion and new perspective.

To be honest with you, it’s not something you can force, it will come in its own time. Keep doing the great job you are and it will come.

 

[ILoveLife]

Thanks @InsertCoinsHere :) I was wondering how you've been. Glad to hear from you.

 

[whiteraven]

I actually don't think many people think of trauma in terms of loss. And it is loss that precedes and defines grief. Loss by death of a person or companion animal, loss of trust, loss of innocence, etc....

Sometimes the reasons for grief are obvious and the triggers blatant. But...have you come to understand what you've lost? Because until you define it, it might be hard to move ahead and actually process it.