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What Replaces The Need For External Validation?

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Chava

MyPTSD Pro
I'm talking about validation from others directly, or even things like recognition at work or degrees or whatever...any of that stuff outside of ourselves that helps people like me feel worth being alive.

What replaces the need for the external validation? Obviously internal validation, but what is that? Is it self acceptance? Compassion? Finding meaning? Just feeling connected to yourself? Spirituality?

I honestly want to know because I do not understand this. Luckily I'm an introvert and pretty independent, so don't need constant validation, and too often don't give a shit about what others think... but I bug my therapist too much between sessions, sometimes I need a lot of reassurance or validation...and I also feel that without my work my life is meaningless. So I am overly validated by my work and roles there. So if anything gets f*cked up at work, like even structural changes, I get so rattled and even start feeling unreal.

I have a much better attitude towards myself, but this stuff is hard to change. I'm working on meditation, trying to just feel myself as connected and okay the way I am, worthy of just enjoying life in the present...not always focused on my work and living only for my work. And also not needing so much reassurance from my therapist.

I think a lot of my need for external validation connects to my deep feelings of being invisible, unreal, horrible, and on a lighter note...just too weird. As I grew up I started isolating more and becoming generally avoidant of relationships. But somehow I still need to find ways to feel externally validated. I'm always in my head thinking I need extra degrees or extra projects at work. Just to feel like my existence is worth while.

My therapist is very patient and reminds me that I'm real. I think the meditation things I'm doing, finding things that feel meaningful, is helpful. I suppose it takes time. But what has helped others feel internally validated, or what has replaced that need for external validation if that's been an issue for you?
 
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I'm working on this myself right now. I think that I've been desperate for external validation in order to overcome my self-hatred. Now that I'm tackling the self-hatred directly (I wish I could explain how, but I'm fumbling through it right now), I'm finding that my need for external validation is becoming a bit less compulsive.
 
One of the things I do, is sculpt. Not only is it relaxing and my mind goes into what I am doing, but oftentimes someone will see my work and make such positive comments....So I get the satisfaction of knowing I made that piece....I loved it whether any one else did or not.. I have to see tangible things in order to get out of my head. If I am creating, whether that is sculpting or other things I like to do.... I validate myself. don't know if this made sense or not.
I understand about your work, mine was being a MOM.... just took time to replace little things until they become a whole thing.... I do understand. And you are so aware of what is going on... you KNOW... and that is just awesome. Very proud of you... oh wait, that was an external validation..... :nailbiting:! :hug:'s to ya Chava...
 
Luckily I'm an introvert and pretty independent, so don't need constant validation, and too often don't give a shit about what others think

Yup that's me in a nutshell. Being aware of my own mortality as I am at the moment I have come to a turning stile in my life. There is greener grass on the other side and only I can get over this hurdle in my life, I cannot rely on others to help me get over this impasse, only I can do it under my own strength.

My need for external validation is simply not there anymore, I am independant and I can get through this, or over that stile in my life.
 
What replaces the need for the external validation? Obviously internal validation, but what is that? Is it self acceptance? Compassion? Finding meaning? Just feeling connected to yourself? Spirituality?

To me... It's surety. I know that what I did, or am about to do, is right. I don't need to convince myself, or have anyone else shore me up. I just know. That simple.

***

Case in point; I just went to the bathroom & peed. Why? Because I needed to. Did I need to ask someone if I should? Nope. Did I go several rounds with myself about whether or not it was a good idea? What the consequences might be if I peed now, or waited until later, or, or, or... Nope. Once I was done, did I doubt myself? Need to check in with others? Was I afraid of coming out in case someone told me I was wrong to pee, or relieved when everyone started cheering for me? Crushed when there wasn't a crowd cheering for me? Or even just one person, alone alone alone, I'm all alone, no one to cheer for my pee! :arghh; I'm always going to be alone when I pee! Why won't someone, anyone, be there for me???

;)

Now, the truth is I've gotten so f*cked up in abusive bullshit that, yeah, there actually was a time I couldn't take a piss without someone else's say so, and where I had to justify "why" I had to pee (and when, where, blah blah blah, f*cked up nonsense). I've also been a kid learning how to pee (Yay! You did it! You peed in the potty! Hurray! //vs// Bad! Bad girl! ), and I've prayed to god after taking a few too many kidney shots, please please please, and don't even get me started on the number of times I've broken toilet training on purpose ;) Ahem.

Today? Taking a piss? Is just that. Gotta go, went, no biggie. No external validation needed. It ain't no thing.

To me... That's Self Validation. Nothing needed or wanted from others or myself, full stop. ((In fact if someone *does* start validating me? it's like WTFO?... Something to be done, do it. Decide to wait? Sure. Same deal. No matter which choice I make (now, later, whatever), I'm completely confident in the absolute normalcy/rightness of it. If someone questions me? :O_o: Similar to being validated, being invalidated? Snort. You've gotta be fawking kidding me. It ain't their place to, & doesn't affect me -aside from making me look at them a little sideways- but all their validation/invalidation does is inform me about them, not myself.))

Self Validation...It's not like some kind of higher oomph, not some kind of equal and opposite of External Validation. It just is. Kinda like the opposite of love isn't hate, and the opposite of hate isn't love. The opposite for both is indifference.

Looked at that way? I bet you can find hundreds, maybe thousands, of things you already self-validate with. <grin> And once you can find what that feels like? IME it's a helluva lot easier to see what & why you need external validation on other things. For me? Where I crave it, is where I need surety. Strength I'm lacking. Where I'm not confident in my own reasoning or actions. For others, maybe other things.
 
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@FridayJones it sounds to me like you are describing something like "conviction". I used to have it in some ways and now either don't, or don't trust myself anymore. Probably all just got worse with pain and injury stuff and losing some of my work. Then realizing how much I depended on all of it for my sense of "self." So now more of the shit of feeling meaningless and sometimes more unreal.
 
Volunteer/Charity type work or donations helped me some. It's one of those things where you don't really get to see the impact you're making too often or much, but you can conclude logically that it helped. This could be something as simple as buying a bundle of nice comfy men's socks and donating it to your local homeless shelter. You won't probably ever get to see anyone putting the socks on, but trust me - there is just something profoundly comforting in having a fresh pair of comfy socks when you're homeless. That is one way to experience knowing that you did good in the world, without ever seeing any proof. Pretty much any acts of kindness that are safe and healthy for you. It's almost like you've gotta fulfill the role yourself before being able to believe the role exists. Realizing that you care about and value and others, while simultaneously understanding that there is nothing profoundly unique about you, meaning that there are many others out there like you, who also care and value others, which would naturally include you. Like being connected to the rest of your species on that level, to be able to realize all of these things. Something very common in people with trauma is feeling set apart from everyone else, like that connection gets broken. And it can be the case for some that they've gotta willfully, mindfully forge that connection again.
 
How about making peace with not being good enough? That's what I'm interested in these days. What's the worst that could happen if you don't get external validation? You have to face the fact that you're not good enough? Ok, what then? Can we just face this fear and accept that we might in fact not be good enough? I mean it's not like we're alone. What the hell?
 
Confidence?

Happiness with what is rather than gratification through acquisition?

Just a few thoughts based on my own self reflection.
 
I know this is a couple of months old, but I've been working a lot on this over the last few weeks. Here's what's helped me, YMMV:

1. Identify what you're really feeling. Get quite, get still, feel what you feel, and label it (even if you have to read a list of emotions to see which one clicks for you).

2. Accept. This IS how I feel. Right, wrong, good, bad, fair, unfair has NO place at this stage. I accept that I feel ______. Feeling ______ is normal. Most people feel _____ occasionally. Feeling ______ is "acceptable." How I feel is "acceptable." That I have this feeling is "acceptable." I'm allowed to feel ____.

We haven't even gotten to the "why do I feel" and the order matters. You do feel what you feel. Your feelings are normal feelings that other people feel sometimes. That does matter. It's only after this that you can apply the context. Which is ...

3. Identity what led to the feeling. What was the situation? Describe the facts. Don't try to identify other people's motives, moods, thoughts, beliefs or feelings. Yes, they probably do have a reason for what they did and maybe it really does have nothing to do with you. I'm all for giving the benefit of the doubt, but for our purposes here it does not matter why. After you've worked through it for yourself and you're deciding what to do in the future (e.g forgive and maintain the friendship, assertively set boundaries, or cut the person off), how you evaluate their motives will matter. But right now: "X happened" is all you need.

4. Make the connection by reversing 3 and 1 above. "She said/did x, and I felt ______ . Her body language was aggressive/defensive (this is fact, not a judgment -- invading personal space, toe-tapping, arm crossing etc. are observable behaviors and the meanings are not subjective in context--we all know what they are and we all react predictably to them.), and I felt _____. There were other people present, and I felt _____. (For example, humiliation is one of my triggers; if I feel I've been publicly shamed I don't react well ... Or maybe that's actually one of my healthy boundaries. Sometimes I can't tell ...). Walk through the components of the event and your reaction.

Notice, we're still just describing. This happened -- period. I felt -- period. No judgement. No right/wrong. No should/shouldn't. No good/bad.

Essentially you're goal is to use a "reflecting statement" just like in communication (conflict resolution) with someone else, but you want to use it toward yourself in this step. Something like "Let me see if I understand what you're telling me, when X happened, you felt y?" "Yes. That is correct." This is self-acknowledgment.

5. Understandability. This is the first judgement, but it's NOT a right/wrong judgement. The question is:

Given my history, given my biology (yes, biology - as with BPD and considering that research suggests that PTSD changes the physiology of the brain), the current context and what happened (step 3), is it understandable that I would feel ______?

Yes. It is. My issues are part of the lens through which I view the world. It is understandable, ALL things considered, that I feel ____.

This is really all the validation you need. But, you can take it farther, and you'll need to if you need to work out the issue with someone else like a friend, partner, co-worker, or boss. BUT, it's this last step that seems to trip us (PTSD sufferers) up, at least in my opinion, because we start to feel insane when we know how we feel but it seems like no one else gets it and we start trying to figure out how we're "wrong."

Wrong is irrelevant. It only matters that how you feel is understandable, and sometimes even if it's only you to whom it's understandable.

6. Appropriateness and Mind Reading (but not the cognitive distortion kind).

Would most people who experienced 3 feel 1?

Sometimes the answer is yes. Sometimes it is no. When the answer is yes (it's an "appropriate" response) and you are fully validated. When the answer is no, you've identified an opportunity.

Your reaction is understandable to you (step 5) and it is, therefore, valid, but it is also different from the "norm" and causing as issue when dealing with other people. All "inappropriate" means is not "normal." The "norm" is just what a majority of people do, and that matters because we have to deal with people. What "norm" is not is "good" (making you bad) or "right" (making you wrong). As an example, at one point in history it was the "norm" in the southern US for white people to own other people -- whole human beings. THAT was "normal." So, no, the norm is not equal to good or right. It's just the "norm."

If your reaction is different from how you think most people would react ask: How is it different? How do you think most people WOULD react or feel in that situation? Can you work on your reaction and change it? Or, is it part of a deeper need that maybe you can't change but you can accept about yourself and who you are and what you need and work to create boundaries to protect against the situation that caused the reaction?

Validation is not about "permission." It's about identification, acknowledgement, acceptance, understandability and appropriateness (in terms of social norms, not right/wrong value judgments). And it empowers you.

When you seek validation externally, it's the same process, but the order is often 3, 1, 4, 5, 6. You tell a story to someone else: so-and-so did this and it had ___ effect of me. What you want FROM the other person is for them to reassure you: that you've been heard, that given the context (or what they know of your history, biology and situation) you have every right to feel what you feel, that it is understandable and they would feel that way too, and that they think most people in your position would feel the same.

Once I could break out these steps, I had an easier time of doing (or trying to do) that for myself, and it's helped A LOT. For really tricky issues, I've found that going through my steps WITH my therapist provides validation, not of my "feelings" but of my process because it helps me to identify cognitive distortions that trip me up in step 6.

This is also the foundation of boundary setting and the ability to be assertive.

I hope it helps you...
 
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Thank you for sharing this @Just Sayin', I can use these, again, now....I have been isolating, so I push things like this to the side. A great reminder !!! Thanks again.
 
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