General What Should I Do/Not Do When He Needs Space?

[missy8888]

What can i do to help or be supportive of my sufferer when he needs time alone to get it together?? how do i know how much space or distance to give... and at the same time not having him feel abandoned??? Is it okay or helpful to send him a text after a couple of days saying hello, and letting him know i am here if he needs me??? or is it best to just leave him alone all together and not text/call at all???? When he is feeling messed up, he usually will text me saying he isnt feeling well and needs a few days alone, and says he is sorry for being this way..... my response is "i understand hun, im ok, do what u feel you need to do, and im with you no matter what u go through, no worries....xoxox" is that an ok response?? i'm sorry if i seem stupid for not knowing what to do.. I just care very much about him and i want to help not make things worse.. I am trying to learn as much as i can about ptsd... Thats why i am here on this site... if there are any sufferes out there that wouldn't mind sharing some advice with me.. i would be sooooo happy... :dontknow: Thank you!!

 

[Kunoichi]

Missy,

I am a sufferer of PTSD. There are times when I tell my hubby I need my space and he realizes this and is ok with it. He will do as you do and come to me occassionally asking what is wrong? I am here for you etc.

I think its good that you give him your space, but I would check in with him every so often. Asking how his day was, asking if he needed anything (even if its just to talk) etc. Its hard to be in that isolation state of mind because we tend to push away from people, especially loved ones, as we are afraid of getting hurt or hurting them (like emotionally because of what we have). I hope this makes a little more sense.

I know as a carer it doesn't make it any easier to not really being able to "do" anything when he is in isolation, but I think as long as you keep reminding him you are there for him to talk or just listen to him complain, it can help.

This is only my prospective, I don't know if that will differ from a carer perspective.

Kunoichi

 

[2quilt]

I am a sufferer too, and when I need time alone in quiet, I tell DH to turn off the GD television (there's a certain tone he knows that I mean it--NOW!) and he sits in the other room and reads. He waits for me to come to him and ask him to take me for chocolate icecream. He never argues with me or tries to get me out of the house if I am not ready. He's very good at listening when I scream. He may leave the house to go hiking or whatever, and that's okay with me, although I do get lonely when I am alone. If I cry, I have to go to him to be held, he won't come over to me unless i ask. He will fix his own meals instead of asking me to do it. Or he will ask me if I want to get takeout. No pressure to perform in the kitchen or bedroom. He waits for me to ask for help. I am good about telling him that I am having a PTSD day, so then he will say we should go sit in the hottub or go get chocolate or go take a nap. He never makes demands on me.

 

[missy8888]

Thank you both for your advice. That's what i wanted to make sure was ok..just letting him know i was around for him.... fewww, thank god... I think cause we dont live together it is harder. When he goes into isolation, i have no contact so thats where i have the problem. I don't wanna bother him and at the same time i don't want him to feel like i've abandoned him. Once in a while, he will still come stay over when he clearly wants to be alone. But i think he tries to comprimise and knows he should spend time with me so he does and i appriciate his effort. When he is here and in his mood. I don't ask him any questions... other than, what he would like for dinner or if he wants a massage..i let him know that it's ok to be silent, or talk, it's upto him. we basically just relax, watch tv or go to bed.. I am just happy we are in the same room even if we don't talk... Sometimes very late at night if he can't sleep, he will open up and go on and on about iraq. he says that i am the only civilian he has talked to about it..not even his family... I guess cause the gore doesn't bother me.. we could be talking about the weather or vacations and then the next breath about war, death, violence... and my face and attitude is just as calm and steady.. He says that once and awhile he would start to talk about iraq with an ex, and she would get all emotional and he could tell she couldnt handle it..and wanted him to get over it..........(nice girl) Poor guy...so atleast with me, when he wants to share, he can.... He is so much stronger than he thinks he is... He has alot of guilt too... None of this is his fault.. I am so proud of him. I hope that one day he will see in himself what i can see.. I hope i will be able to get through to him in time. I am so glad i found this site.. thank you all for sharing.. xoxxo

 

[missy8888]

Was Already in Love Before Problems

I don't think she was trying to offend anyone. As a carer i have enough on my mind.. I don't need the added worry about my mental status...(lol). In my situation, he told me on our 1st date he had PTSD from iraq and he was getting help for it, he breifly told me about some of the problems he was having. I've heard about on tv and in movies so i thought i understood.. I thought (at the time) that he just had some issues from being in the military, i really had no clue. He was hansome, smart, hardworking and respectfull. This was the best date i had ever been on. he was a true gentleman. So i continued to date him. We dated for a couple of months and it was GREAT... I fell for him hard, and was in love BEFORE any real episodes of the PTSD had surfaced. Once they did, i was already in over my head. I cared about him and at that point loved him enough to stick around and learn about his illness. I don't want to fix him or rescue him. I can't, i know that. I want to be in his life and love him, thats it. I want to be there to offer comfort and support. This is the first time in my life with any guy that i would want to put in the effort. And i've had alot of other options. I've never felt this strongly for anyone, and i felt like this BEFORE i really knew what i was dealing with. There was just something so vulnerable about his honesty. I had never dated a guy who was so open. Because of that i allowed myself to be completely open too. It was nice not having to put walls up. I let him see the real me without fear of being judged and with that vulnerability came real intimacy. No one has ever truly gotten to know that side of me except him, and he did it without lifting a finger. With one look from him, i am completely disarmed. If it was any other guy, i would of gone running and screaming in the other direction months ago... Even though it is very difficult at times and i miss him terribly when he needs his space. He makes me happy. I accept him as he is, flaws and all. These were the cards i was dealt, so i am going to play them.:wink:

 

[upsidedowntopsyturvy]

You're so lucky to have someone who understands!

When I told my husband about what happened with Phil and how he died, I was sobbing. His response? "I see dead people all the time" which was a bit UNtrue. He had a towing company. He might have seen an ambulance or two, but we live in a small town, and I know he didn't see "dead people all the time".
How lucky you are to have someone WITH you who does understand. How lucky you are to not go thru all of it alone. I've sat in my hallway and sobbed alone for hours with nobody in the same house.
I think giving them the space they need while still being there or near to them is a wonderful GIFT. It has to make it much better for the person with PTSD.
God Bless you.

 

[Cin]

I don't think she was trying to offend anyone...

This brought tears to my eyes because I could have said this.

For the past year, I have felt so alone and questioned my every move in regards to what is the right or wrong things to do.

It is soooo nice to read that other people know how Im feeling as a loved one of a ptsd sufferer.