What small thing/s did you do today to chip away at your avoidance?

[VioletButterfly]

Still having trouble with this, but I am working through some thought and behavior patterns in my journal, and trying to adapt while living this life in real-time. Really trying to learn the importance of embracing how the totality of who I am right now can impact who I want to be right now. I have some "stuff" on board that impacts my ability to "act" as I would prefer and that I can't be "legalistic" with myself in my journey. As frustrated and impatient as I am sometimes, patience, compassion and kindness have to be my guardrails right now or else I'll end up throwing myself off a cliff at some point. Kind of sitting with that this evening and working on small tasks.

 

[Deanna]

I went to the "mall" this afternoon. Really! So many people! I'm glad I take meds and did better than expected. That shows me that I really don't have to avoid an event anymore.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Feels like I'm trying to lift two hundred pounds of avoidance. It's winning right now. Fear, fear, fear.... I've been sliding in trying to accomplish small tasks to buoy and inspire myself.... little muscles are staying little. At least I'm starting to understand why I avoid. Grrr!

 

[VioletButterfly]

Breaking Inertia -

Today, I will submit work orders for my apartment! Dreading those men in my apartment, but the washer isn't operable and I'm out of clean clothes that fit! Which reminds me, I started a list yesterday in my journal yesterday of what I'm doing to turn the tide in my life. Thus far, exercising and a thankfulness list. I guess I'm trying to pay homage to "If there is no change, there will be no change." Yes? Thankful for the experiences had and knowledge gain in the 12 Step programs I attended.

I'm also going to make some food, not sure if it'll be salsa, beans, and rice or chili, and I'm going to make yogurt parfaits for the week. Self care needs to be stepped up, so I'm promising myself to start the trend.

 

[VioletButterfly]

I've had some success with the above charges for the week. What's getting me is having to go back and follow-up to resubmit work orders and having to find out what's going on with regard to certain issues because middle men aren't communicating. It's so frustrating, but I can't stop this process. My washer/dryer is not working and I need to do laundry. This is beyond stressful for me. I think it's because of what happened at my last apartment with the management. I feel very vulnerable and uncomfortable. So, fear or never/ever/forever lies are getting in the way. That internal voice of doom.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Well, I left a message for the property manager and his ops manager called me back. I'm so glad she did, she's easier to talk to. Also, I never know which one to call, so we squared that away and I feel better. I told her about all that was wrong and she was nice about telling me the guys who'd be calling me to take care of what's outstanding. :)

I think it's weird that I don't feel relieved. I feel like I asked for too much and was too vulnerable. Yes, some work to do in this regard. :(

 

[ms spock]

I got up and started to tidy up.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I have to make a trip this week and didn't want to go-it's near where one of my abusers lives. Avoidance was so bad I even missed my T appointment today (thought it was later in the day). Really didn't want to go there either, but it really was planned-I never miss T appts-until today. And truthfully, was relieved when it was cancelled. Bed called to me yesterday, and today and there I am, safe and warm BUT I WONT FEEL LIKE THAT ON THIS TRIP. I realized I had to get up out of the bed, so I made a deal w myself (the part that just called "No-don't do it-not safe", in my head) that we would go to the Tues. el cheepo movie and have Popcorn and agree for that part to ride along quietly on the trip and I'll keep it safe. That really helped, and Lion King movie was good! Now I'm preparing for tomorrow. ARG.

 

[ms spock]

I made a call to clarify my position over an important manner. It has taken a lot of stress off.

 

[VioletButterfly]

I've been sending texts and email to resolve maintenance issues in this hell hole of an apartment. Phew! Dang hard work. It's amazing how destabilizing this type of activity is for me. Who knew? Maybe I just never thought about it before, but I sure do now. Maybe it's because of where I used to live and the fall-out/push-back/gaslighting culture that existed there.

Funny side note, the maintenance supervisor and assistant property manager that gave me such a hard time no longer work at that property.

 

[VioletButterfly]

I'm slowly unpacking I've got some of my puts put up on the shelf. I've only been here 6 weeks. I really don't care to be honest. I really don't want to be here. I guess I'm stuck for a year, however, so I might as well try to make the best of it. I wish I could figure out this "life" thing.

 

[Keming]

went back to a coffee stand even though they're starting to know me. anonymity being threatened.