Relationship What To Do? How Can I Help?

[Alex00]

I feel so tired and worn out by this all.

My wife came out from hospital after a 2 and a half month stay about 6 weeks ago. She has been diagnosed with major depression as a result of a trauma that happened in her childhood.

This has been made worse recently when her parents seem to be in complete denial about the trauma and don't respect even her basic requests for support.

We have just moved to a new area so that she can be closer to her therapist, work and the hospital (it was quite a long drive before and was really exhausting her).

Things were a little better after she initially left hospital but I feel like she is slipping back to crisis point. Drinking has become a problem again. She has been going to AA but she says she doesn't really believe in complete sobriety and that alcohol isn't always a bad idea. I try to support her the best I can. I have said I understand why she drinks as it does provide a momentary escape but also said that I am worried as the alcohol messes up the effectiveness of her depression medication an the long term effects always make things worse for her.

I know also that she has been drinking secretly which makes me more worried. I can smell it on her. I think maybe I am extra sensitive to this as I have lost members of my family to drink before and never drink myself and I don't want to come across judgmental or disapproving in anyway as I know that's not helpful but do you think I should say I know about the secret drinking? Maybe if she wasn't doing it secretly that would be a bit healthier?

Also she has been prescribed a benzodiazepine to take when she is struggling in the evenings. I notice that she takes greater doses of these more and more often. She is not going over the recommended doses I have found online but I really worry as they really should not be taken with alcohol as it can be dangerous. Regardless of possible injury I also wouldn't be able to wake her at all if say the house was on fire. Does anyone have any experience of this?

I love my wife so much but I am wondering how long I will be able to continue cope and that scares me. I am suggesting I will leave just that I am really struggling myself to keep everything going. I have never had are real problems with mental health before (a little anxiety perhaps) but I now feel completely drained and on the point of burn out with all the worry and stress. I sought out a therapist for guidance recently but she was really unprofessional and unhelpful. I have joined a gym but it doesn't seem to help, I just worry constantly when I am away from her as she is also still having suicidal thoughts at the moment and has started to self harm again.

We used to be so close and laugh all of the time. None of this is her fault. She is hurting all of the time and I just feel so helpless. What can I do? I just feels so hopeless right now. Does anyone reading this live with someone who has constant suicidal thoughts, is there anything that you feel helped you to cope with the constant worry? Also, if you have experienced suicidal thoughts in the past is there anything your family/friends said or did that was useful?

I know a lot of you our there are struggling with harder things and I am sorry for winging.
I am also sorry about the massive probably incoherent post, I have been up all night thinking about all of this and my brain is a bit like a pin ball machine!

 

[Theresa1122]

Alex,

Please don't think you're whining - you're not. No apologies necessary. Your post was not incoherent at all - I understood every bit of it.

When I went through my trauma, I also turned to alcohol. It was my escape so I didn't have to think about what happened, my bravery so I could leave the house, my solace so I could be at home, and my helper when I wanted sleep. I leaned on alcohol for everything!

It's hard to tell you what to do. I understand your wife a lot. I guess what helps me the most is understanding and support. I do think it would be a good idea to sit down and talk to her. Let her know that you want her to lean on you, you want to listen, and you understand that she's very traumatized. Also let her know that drinking with the medications she's on will only harm her, you, and the marriage. I wouldn't let her know that you're thinking of leaving yet - that may set her backwards. Maybe go with her when she goes to see her therapist? I know I've begged and begged my boyfriend to do that and he has yet to do it. Just things to show love and support. Send her a text message or give her a call during the day to let her know you're there for her and you love her.

See, my boyfriend is also my ex-husband. There were problems on both sides of the relationship. My issue was my drinking all day, every day. We ended our marriage. I got sober - when I was ready, on my own, without a program (but I don't believe in those programs anyway). Now that I'm sober and he's also in a different place in life, we're back together. We live together, we're in the process of buying a house, and we're going to be together forever now, but it took us a marriage and a divorce and a lot of communication.

Once he learned that I needed more support, physically and mentally, and I felt more open to be able to talk to time and he actually listened, it made a HUGE difference. We have a "schedule" now that we turn off the radios and TVs and sit and talk once a week, and sometimes more if there are any issues or if I have bad days. That works for us. I needed him to let me know over and over and over again that he's here and he's trying his best to understand, even though he can't really because he hasn't been through what I've been through. But knowing that he's trying is really big for me. He still has to remind me all the time and he's OK with that. Getting the random text during the day is one of the best things - just to know that he's at work and still thinking about me, asking me how my day is going, reminding me that he loves me.

Anyway, I don't know if this helps at all, just thought I'd share what has been working for my boyfriend and I because we have been exactly where you are right now. I wish you all the best! Please feel free to ask more and lean on everyone here for support too. I've met some pretty great people on here that have helped me a lot! :-)

 

[Casey_03]

When someone starts drinking in secret, it usually means that they are still in denial that it is a problem, and they hide it because they don't want close ones confronting them (because then this would require them to confront the issue themselves, and they aren't ready). So i don't think confronting her about the secret drinking is the best idea. I think that could push her over the edge. You're at a crossroads here, because if you don't confront her, you're enabling her drinking problem. But if you do confront her, she will likely freak out and lash out at you. I don't know if this is possible, but perhaps you could mention it to her therapist? I have a lot of experience with alcoholics and myself struggle with a drinking problem, and I can honestly say that the situation you have described is very very bad. She clearly needs more help than she is getting. And be careful about justifying her actions too much by reminding yourself she suffered in her childhood -- that may be true, but that sort of thinking is also what enables her and allows her to keep abusing herself in this way. I would say the best thing you can do is try to encourage her to set goals for herself, both short term ones and long term ones, and then support her in accomplishing those goals. Try to get her to focus on concrete things in life to get out of her own head. (I know therapy requires self reflection, but this can also be a trap for many people who've suffered abuse ... they dig too deep and then need help getting back out again).

 

[KwanYingirl]

You have a lot to feel stressful about. I used alcohol to numb myself for years. I've been sober for 24 years thanks to AA. I can't relate to people that think it's not helpful, but that's not my business anyway. You have to make a decision whether you're going to enable her abuse of alcohol and benzodiazepines. For your own peace of mind. I'd call her out on it when you smell it on her. Just simply state that her drinking is not social, it's pathological. You are correct that using drugs and alcohol will send her right down to where she was. I appreciate that you don't want to make things worse by not seeming supportive, but anyone that has kicked an addiction would agree that enabling it just extends the misery. I struggle with suicidal thoughts. I work on that with my therapist and I don't hold anyone but myself responsible. Maybe she needs full time treatment again since she has not only relapsed, but she's picked up an additional addictive drug. I send you best wishes and hope you can take care of your own needs. You deserve to be at peace.

 

[Theresa1122]

You have a lot to feel stressful about. I used alcohol to numb myself for years. I've been sober for...

Just for the record, I didn't say that AA wasn't helpful, I just said that I quit drinking on my own without the program. AA has and continues to help many, many people. Congratulations on 24 years of sobriety! :-)

 

[catlover26]

I am dating an Alcoholic that has been sober 30 years after going to AA but he still has so many issues. He started drinking really in Vietnam at 18 until he was 41. After reading someone's post on here I started going to Al-Anon. I think Al-Anon would be something you might really find helpful in dealing with this situation. It has helped me a lot. It's great that she is going to AA. I'm sure it will take time before they will admit that alcohol is a 'real' problem.

I became so involved in his depression and moods that it was creating problems in my life. I was becoming negative and even thinking the kind of negative thoughts that were just like him. As much as I would like to 'fix' him I can't. You are dealing with some terrible issues that are heartbreaking but there is only so much you can do her. I know that is so hard to realize because I have spent almost a year of our relationship listening to my Vet and giving him suggestions that he would just 'shrug' away. But I would still try and try and do it again not understanding he wasn't listening really until it was getting the best of me. I became where I didn't trust him and thought he was seeing someone else which now I realize was ridiculous. I even listened in on a conversation one time and he found out. So it all become like insanity when all these emotions get stirred up when someone you love is struggling and you are trying to find answers.

Al-Anon teaches you to try and work on yourself, your serenity to try to restore some peace in your own life. I have learned how it is better not to react to irrational comments he will make and keep my own emotions in control as much as possible. Doesn't mean I love him any less. I just have to better myself for the sake of our relationship and my own sanity.

My group in Al-Anon are great to talk to. They have been through some very tough times and are always encouraging and willing to listen. Hope you will consider that.

Glad you have come here for support. Post anytime you need a 'listening ear'. The wonderful people on this site have really helped me.

One Note--I'm not so sure "Calling her out" when you smell it on her is the best way of dealing with it. With someone that has an alcohol problem I just think that would just start an argument that would go no where.

 

[Sweetpea76]

@Alex00 , I'm not even going to address the issues your sufferer is having. I'm going to address you as a supporter, and some things that may help you.

I have never had are real problems with mental health before (a little anxiety perhaps) but I now feel completely drained and on the point of burn out with all the worry and stress

Compassion fatigue and burnout are real things. You have to take care of yourself... if one therapist sucked, it may help to try another one. You can easily drive yourself over the edge with exhaustion and worry. As the supporter in this relationship, you're the one that keeps things running. YOU need to make sure YOU are running first in order to be able to keep it up.

It is so hard, and it seems so trite to say it, but you really have to take care of yourself mentally and physically. Eat well, try and get enough sleep. Exercise when you have the time, and find something that relaxes you. Just those little things will help you feel better. You don't have control over much, but you do have control over that.

Learning to set boundaries is also something that supporters need to do. We're allowed to have boundaries too, even if he are the "healthy" ones.

For instance, with the alcohol thing... my vet takes benzos and enough pain killers to choke a horse because he is combat injured on top of the PTSD. I am not a happy camper if he drinks to excess on top of all that, or if he is irresponsible with his meds. He knows I will remove myself from the situation if he chooses to drink excessively on his meds. (Just for clarification, he doesn't have an alcohol problem now, and doesn't drink a lot... but he would still get into "frat boy mode" sometimes when he was with his buddies or if we went out). I'll put him in a cab or take him home, but after that he can just sit his drunk ass at home alone. I can't make him not drink, but I can remove myself from the situation if he does. He has learned that if he wants me around, then he can't do that. It's a boundary of mine, and I stick to it every time. If he gets drunk, I will leave. If he drinks everyday, I will be gone for good. That means if he gets sick or ODs because he is drunk, he will be alone when he does it, and that is his choice. Period.

That is something I had to do for my own sanity. I cannot worry myself sick that he is going drink himself to death or OD, and I can't stop him if he does it. I don't want to be a witness to it either.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Does anyone reading this live with someone who has constant suicidal thoughts, is there anything that you feel helped you to cope with the constant worry?

I just worry constantly when I am away from her as she is also still having suicidal thoughts at the moment and has started to self harm again.

It's terrifying when your partner is suicidal, or having suicidal ideation. Absolutely terrifying.

The thing that sucks about is that you cannot do anything to stop it. If they are going to self harm or commit suicide, they are going to do it no matter what you do or say. You cannot stop them or prevent it. You cannot babysit them 24/7. All you can do is get them professional help, and that only works if they want it.

And guess what? If they do something to themselves, it is not your fault. Not in the least bit. It is not your fault.

It sounds cold and awful to say this stuff, but it is something that you have to learn to come to grips with for your own sanity. You can't make yourself responsible if another adult lives or dies. You are going to make yourself nuts.

Help, support, love, have their back... but you cannot fix them. You just have to let them work on themselves.It sucks, because you want to help the one you love. However, you can't do it to the detriment of your own health and well-being. You have to do what you have to do for your own mental health.

 

[Alex00]

Firstly thank you all so much for taking the time to respond. I really do greatly appreciate your help and advice. I would have replied sooner but my wife took an overdoes last night and I have mostly been dealing with that. It is the first time she has done anything like that with pills and I think I am still really shocked and upset by it. It is the first failed attempt that I know about.

Theresa - thank you for your insight, it must have been very difficult getting sober and I think it is very brave and admirable that you have and are sharing your experience. Me and my wife try and check in with each other several times a week but I have noticed that recently when I have mentioned doing that she has been unwilling. Maybe after recent events though she might think about doing that again.

Casey - thankyou. I think setting goals would be an excellent idea. It does seem like her therapy and everything that has come with it has been consuming us both recently so I think having positive things to look forward to which are no way related to her condition is a really great suggestion.

KwanYingirl - Thank you for sharing your experience, I am glad that AA has worked for you. I did speak to her about drinking in secret. I haven't been quite as bold as you suggested but I did say that if it was me she was hiding the it from she needn't. I don;t think keeping anything like that a secret is healthy.

catlover26 - Thank you so much for suggestion Al-anon. I didn't think they had meetings near me but it looks like they in fact have two a week so I will definitely sit in on a meeting as soon as I get the opportunity

Sweetpea - Thank you for your support and for sharing. Especially for reminding me that it is not my fault. I know logically that it isn't my fault but often feel that it is. Like if I was more on the ball or vigilant at certain times I could stop her from harming herself. Your bold words couldn't have come at a better time after the events of last night and the one thing I am not doing (which I have done in the past when she has self harmed) is blaming myself.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I'm so sorry your wife is doing poorly @Alex00... You guys are in my thoughts, and I hope this is ends up being a catalyst for her treatment.

How are you holding up?

 

[Alex00]

Thanks. I have been having nightmares that something similar would happen regularly for many months so I sort of feel like none of the last few days are real and mostly just feel very sad for her because she must just be feeling so awful for so long to contemplate doing something like that.

It has already been a sort of catalyst. She has told me that she thinks she is an alcoholic which is a huge step forward. I think she was trying to kid herself that she wasn't as she never really drinks huge quantities in one sitting but I think she realises now that drinking often and as a means of escape isn't healthy. Plus it messes with her other meds that would otherwise be helping her to feel stable.

She saw her therapist today who said that she should strongly consider a stay in hospital again but with the NHS in the UK it isn't so easy as there just aren't really any beds available where we are. We were lucky enough that she has private medical insurance through work (which isn't the norm here) that covered her to go into a private hospital the first time around.
A friend of mine was in crises and the bed shortage was so bad that the police just kept him in a police cell for the whole weekend which obviously didn't help matters much so I do worry about something like that happening as well.

I am just looking for ways I can best support her going forward now and I am hoping that the epiphany she has had this weekend is a lasting one and that we can begin to move forward.

Thank you again.

 

[Alex00]

So, turns out she texted a friend today to say 'I am annoyed I got it wrong' (the overdose amount)... wtf am I suppose to do with that information? There are some things you just don't need to know. What am I just waiting around for it to happen again now? Waiting for her to get it 'right'. I am so sick and tired of being so useless!

Sorry I just needed to rant.