Relationship What To Do? How Can I Help?

[Sweetpea76]

Can she get a hold for 24 or 48 hours because she is suicidal? Would a psych hold make her a priority for a bed?

 

[Purplemunchkin]

Hi @Alex00

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through all of this. I have taken hubby to A&E twice when he was feeling suicidal, so I know how hard it is to deal with the NHS.

The first time we just accepted what they told us, about no beds, etc and went home with the instructions that I should call the police if I felt threatened(?!) otherwise the crisis team would call the next day (which they didn't).

The second time we refused to take no for an answer. We were in a hospital and weren't leaving unless we were going to a psychiatric unit. Do you know what? They found him a bed.

I suspect the alcohol will make it more difficult, as they sometime (not always) use that as an excuse, i.e. they don't belong in a psychiatric unit they should be in a detox programme. They don't seem to accept that alcoholism can be a symptom.

Hubby's biggest champion in 'the system' has been his GP. Can you and your wife talk to her GP? If they are prepared to talk to her therapist as well, that may be the quickest and easiest route to a voluntary (or involuntary if necessary) admission.

Unfortunately, @Sweetpea76, the NHS doesn't work that way (anymore). When hubby took an overdose he was kept in overnight to deal with the physical fallout, then discharged with some anti-depressants and referred to a community out-patients team.

Good luck, we are thinking of you, and let us know how you get on.

 

[Alex00]

Thank you both of you. How is your husband doing now @Purplemunchkin ? Was his experience as an inpatient useful?

I spoke to her about the attempt. I asked her if she wished she had been with it enough to make sure it was permanent and she said no. She saw her therapist yesterday and her therapist has said she needs to see her everyday this week at least. It turns out she reached out both to her therapist and one of her friends before she did what she did but none of them thought to contact me (I was the only one around so it would have made sense) which I am a little annoyed about.

She keeps telling me she is sorry and I keep trying to reassure her that none of this is her fault. Today she has been more her old self like she was before the PTSD really began to hurt her. I think she may just be trying hard on my part as she knows I am upset and is she is still very much digesting what happened. I have tried to help her write down a timeline as she has quite a few gaps in her memory (a result of the concoction of meds she took).

We have just moved and we do seem to actually struck lucky and she does have a good GP, he called yesterday and is going to be talking to her social worker who works with the community mental health team. My wife had an assessment with them early last week and they said they would be in contact asap.... still waiting...no surprise. Even though they know what happened at the weekend neither of us have heard a thing.... I know it's not their fault and that they are under resourced but I can't help feeling frustrated with the system.

She has not been drinking (secretly or otherwise as far as I can tell) since it happened. I know it is still early days.

I think what caused her slide in to a uncontrolled state this time was due to a conversation she had with her dad the night before the suicide attempt. He brought up what a good day he had out with her abuser in the week like it was nothing. Just chit chat. We have only really asked he parents to do one thing and that is never to mention her abuser, not ever. I don't know if it was a mistake on my father-in-laws part or what but he didn't appologise or even notice what he had done which is worse I think.

We have both since reiterate how important it is to stick to my wife's one request as it is a huge trigger for her. I am not sure whether I should speak to him about it again or not and actually get angry (which he has never seen in me) or whether that would still have no effect. I don't want to make things worse but I really don't think he comprehends how serious his misuse of words is. He is in huge denial at the moment and I think probably quite vulnerable himself. He is from the old school thinking of pretend everything is fine even if it really isn't and wont hear anything anyone says so I am not sure me saying anything will make the slightest bit of difference. Would it be worth getting angry at him even though that could create added strain in the family? I think it might emphasise the the importance well but I don't really want to rock the boat too hard at the moment as it is already riddled in holes!

 

[Purplemunchkin]

Hey @Alex00

Hubby's stay in the unit helped him tremendously. He felt safe to express himself without worrying about others, he felt validated, he saw a psychiatrist for the first time, got different medication and was taught various different tools to try and help himself. It was certainly what he needed at that time.

That was over two years ago now. It didn't fix him, but it gave him a new foundation to build from. He was able to accept that he had PTSD and said he realised he needed to work with it to move forward, rather than fight against it and go back to where he had been 'before'.

He is still on medication. He waited about 8 months for 20 sessions of CBT, then another 6ish months for a further 5 sessions, and now goes to a group therapy session once a week. All through the NHS.

Does your father-in-law know about the overdose? Would he have worked out that it may be related to his comments, or is his completely oblivious?

I guess your wife's therapist wouldn't have been allowed to tell you, but I would have thought the friend should have told you, even if they didn't think she was serious about actually doing anything. But you don't actually know what she told the friend, and how the friend interpreted it. Could you have a chat with her/him?

It's good that her therapist is seeing her regularly, but don't let the community team think that means they no longer have to be involved - they seem to take anything they can as an excuse not to bother. They may be under resourced, but you and your wife need to keep chasing them so they remember she is there and so she doesn't get buried under a whole other heap of paperwork. You need to make sure they know about the overdose too.

:hug:

 

[Sweetpea76]

It never fails to amaze me as a parent how people can continue to associate with their children's abusers! If somebody hurt one of my kids, I'd be hard pressed not to back over them with my car...

Does her father know about the suicide attempt or how badly she was triggered?

 

[Alex00]

Yes I did make them aware @Purplemunchkin. I phoned both the crisis team and her therapist about the overdose on the day it happened so that everyone who needs to know does know. Her GP had kindly said he is going to chase it with the crisis team so at the very least she should get seen by them again soon. I am glad that your husband was able to get something out of being an inpatient, it's really comforting to know that the system can help (there are so many horror stories!).

Yes @Sweetpea76 her father does now know about her suicide attempt and also that what he said was part of the trigger. We have heard nothing from him. No apology and 'I will try to never do that again'.... nothing! I think he is in such deep denial about how things are now and just wants things to go back to how they were before my wife's PTSD reared it's head. He doesn't get that that just isn't possible and that although he may have been content with the way things were it was always a struggle for my wife.

I really don't know what to do about it. I have tried to remain calm and in every other aspect of both of our lives he has always been supportive and they have had a mostly close relationship so I don't understand the way that he is being now. I know he has been told by other family members that he needs to sort out the way he is being but that seems to have had no impact. The reason I wonder whether getting angry would help is that everyone has taken the softly softly gently gently approach with him which clearly hasn't worked. I agree with you @Sweetpea76 , I don't understand it either. Her abuser is married and even his wife knows about it and chooses to stay with him which I also find unimaginable.

So I just need to think about what to do next really as everything that has been said to her father in the last week has been said and requested before so there is no reason for him not to come out and say something similar again. I need to find a way to MAKE him understand but there doesn't seem to be a way to break through that denial. Both myself and my wife's therapist have said she just needs to maintain a bit of distance between herself and her father for the time being. I guess really that's the most sensible option.

It is just frustrating and shouldn't be an issue. Also, there is so much in her life right now that I can't make more manageable. There is so much she is fighting within herself she doesn't need people on the outside behaving badly and I just feel that this is something I should be able to help with.

 

[Purplemunchkin]

You help by being there, and dealing with the day to day stuff she can't handle.

If her father knows, then talking probably isn't going to do anything. Maybe this will have been the wake-up call he needs and his current distance is him trying to deal with reality; both of her abuse and overdose, and his part in it all.

If not, your daughter will need to set boundaries that she is prepared to do her best to stick to.

Sorry it's so hard at the moment. Fingers crossed she gets the help she needs and things ease up for you both.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I agree with @Purplemunchkin. You guys have already told her father what her boundary was as to hearing about her abuser, and he is not respecting it. Your father in law may need your wife's boundary re-explained one last time, then enforced. She cannot handle hearing any talk of her abuser, or her abuser's name. If her father continues to talk about him, then she can't continue to speak to her father or be around him. Period. No exceptions. Serious as a heart attack.

Then if he doesn't respect that boundary, then get her out of there, hang up the phone, block the email, whatever. Every single time, no exceptions. If he doesn't get the clue after a few times, then it may be time to cut off contact for her mental health. You are not telling him what he can or cannot do... but you are saying that SHE cannot tolerate it and, and SHE will have to go if he choses to bring up that topic.

I think it would be fine to have this conversation with him. It doesn't have to be hostile, but it can be firm. Some people just need hit over the head with the blunt-hammer.

 

[Alex00]

Thank you both of you. I agree with you both and think that keeping the boundary is really the most important thing. We are distancing ourselves from him for a while which I think is for the best at the moment. I hope it is just a case of him letting things sink in but would agree that enforcing the boundary is important and serious.

It sounds weird but I feel like me and my wife are a lot closer after what happened at the weekend. I think maybe it was the wake up call we both needed to make positive plans (both with her treatment and in the general free time we have) and stick to them so things don't slip so far in the future. I don't expect that everything will suddenly get better but I feel like in the coming weeks we have both put things in place that will enable us to have additional tools to deal with whatever comes.

I will definitely keep coming on here. All of you are amazing and I can't express enough how much of a relief it has been to share some of this stuff. It is so good to be able to speak with people who understand.

Thank you both so much for your continued support and advice.