Relationship What To Do Next

[fmg12]

Me and my PTSD love had a minor dispute,because I felt he is sometimes very insensitive.I want to leave but was told not to give up on him.He alienated everyone and I'm one of the only ones who remains by his side.He won't return my calls or text,I even got scared and popped up at his home,he said he was ok and that we too we're ok,and that we'd talk later...I haven't heard anything.I don't wanna push,I just feel like giving up sometimes,I feel so unappreciated, some of things he says hurt to the core,what do I do??

 

[GWhizz]

Me and my PTSD love had a minor dispute,because I felt he is sometimes very insensitive.I want to leave but was told not to give up on him.

I think the answer to your question as to what to do is in your post. Can I ask who told you not to give up on him and why?

Sorry I don't know your full story and no one can understand your relationship but the both of you. I just advise that you don't stick out unnecessary or intolerable pain just because he has ptsd. We are all capable of conscious and mindful decision making irrespective of a diagnosis. Ptsd is no excuse to be hurtful to your partner.

Yes I probably lose it a lot more easily due to my ptsd and have a habit of pushing others away a lot. Though deep down I know the difference between right and wrong. And I know when I'm crossing a line. I always reflect on my behaviour and try to make amends when I'm in the wrong. If you want to leave, LEAVE! It is not fair on either one of you that you stick it out because you were guilted into it (be it by someone else, him, or his diagnosis). Communication is the biggest factor in the success of my relationship. No matter how much I shut my partner out on my ptsd or trauma struggles, I can always discuss with him why it is a struggle and why I react the way I do. Most of all, I can also consider whether I'm hurting him or not. And I am fully capable of addressing matters and apologizing if it's warranted.

Him telling you that your relationship is okay is simply not sufficient. There are issues clearly there that he's avoiding and you will only build resentment if you let him continue this pattern.

Finally, if you are not fully sure of your statement that you want to truly leave, I strongly urge you to both commit to relationship counselling. If you WANT this to work, you both will do this for eachother and your future, be it together as a couple, friends, or living your own lives separate from one another.

Best of luck in whatever you decide. I do appreciate how complex each relationship is and that I do not know yours enough to give any definitive opinions, I'm simply basing my advice on your OP. Welcome to the forum :-)

 

[jcat]

Boy.... I'm probably going to get stomped on for this by a few folks but.....
Is he doing anything to treat PTSD? Any kind of therapy even so much as to find a site like for some support and understanding? You can't be his only source. You're emotionally and intimately involved with him. That doesn't work.
As sad as it is that he's pushed everyone away.... And it is sad... He'll have to get to a point to decide to deal with his issues head on. But that's kinda up to him. You can want to be there for him but if he doesn't want you there there's not much you can do.
If it's too much for you and you are wanting to leave ( here's where I get pounced upon) I'd say leave. I mean if he's abusive mentally.... He's abusive and that's not good for you.
If you can offer the altimatem of his getting help or your gone then I'd suggest that. If he doesn't get help then yes.... Leave. No amount of your understanding is going to change his abuse. It just makes you a punching bag and no one should endure that.

Standing by someone who is working through their PTSD. In therapy, gaining tools and coping skills to deal with it. Is a totally different story. In that type of situation things stand a pretty good chance of getting better and your being there can be a great help


To others that read this I only have this to say. If you have PTSD find support from people who have suffered similar trauma. Look to their understanding and ability to truly empathize with you. PTSD DOES NOT GIVE YOU THE RIGHT, in any way shape or form, to abuse others.

 

[Friday]

Ironically... When I'm popping my head into the supporter's forum, I'm usually talking from the PTSD standpoint (my view of me, not anyone else).

But this is from when I've dated other people with PTSD:

Boundaries! :D Not anyone else's but mine. What I'm okay with to what I love, and what I'm not okay with to deal breakers. I've tried taking on other people's boundaries before, and that's just like squeezing into jeans 2 sizes to small. I can do it, but it's both uncomfortable and limiting. (Can't. Breathe.) This has taken a lot of trial and error, and I've screwed up in each direction (leaving someone I'm fine with and society isn't, and staying with someone I'm not fine with but society is).

_____

For example... Here is a short (incomplete, obviously, since there is one item each) list of some of those boundaries that my friends hate or love inverse to my own:

What I'm okay with: A certain level of wanton destruction. I have no problem with the periodic atomizing of things that aren't special (either sentiment or price, and we'd better agree beforehand), as long as they're cleaned up or repaired on the QV, and it's a vent not a manipulation. Aka, throw something because you're mad? Fine. No worries. Throw something because you want to intimidate me? Hell no. Over the line. Also, give a girl some warning. Loud noises make me jumpy when I don't know they're coming. Either have enough self control to let me know ahead of time if I'm home, or be loud enough I can hear you coming home so I know to duck.

What I love: Sudden overwhelming need to go be or do something very physical. These kinds of things make my day. And noooooow for something completely different! Love it. Especially when I can come with. And I do tend to hook up with guys who like to go do the same kinds of crazy stuff I like to, I just need am excuse to drop everything and go. But even if it's something they wanna go do alone, that suddenly gives me a few uninterrupted hours of self indulgence.

What I'm not okay with : Saying things you don't mean when you're mad. It doesn't matter if you swear 1000x you didn't mean it, I won't believe you. ((I get a little semantic with this one. I can very much give a free pass to things being true in the moment, that are no longer true 2 minutes or 2 days later. 'Yeah, yeah, yeah, you always hate me before coffee. Harden up. We're out. You'll just have to hate me until we can go through the drive through or the store. Yep. I'm a cold heartless bitch. Keys & pants, mister. Try not to kill anyone on your way out.'. Is something I'm fine with / doesn't affect me at all.))

Deal Breakers : Don't feel sorry for me. Be nice, sure. Be extra nice if I've just had a lousy run. But "You're so broken, and it's so terrible, and..." Oozing sympathy and pity either infuriates me or makes me feel hopeless and worthless. Neither of which is how I'm willing to live my life.

 

[Sweetpea76]

If he is not returning your calls or your texts, and you want to be done with him... then be done with him. Don't keep seeking him out and hanging on.

As a supporter, you have to take care of your own well being, or you are going to make yourself nuts. You cannot make him treat you better, pay attention to you, or appreciate you. You cannot fix him or make him better.

 

[fmg12]

Thank you all so much for your advice and input. He has since reached out to me and I have visited with him,but he will not discuss the issue that made us fight,however he did correct what I pointed out to him that made me uncomfortable,and him be defensive.He said we'd talk earlier,I waited for that conversation to happen,it never took place.I'm thinking he does not want to bring it up again or discuss it when he feels he's corrected it or maybe he considers this a trigger,so I too will leave it alone. I don't know if he's had more counseling ,I know that he has had counseling in the past,and that he's had a Dr's appointment this week.@ GWhizz an assistant to a therapist who deals with patients who have PTSD told me not to give up on him.She said sometimes PTSD sufferers act out,and to give them time to get themselves together.I must understand that not EVERYTHING can be chalked up to PTSD,and to be fast with letting him know,I will not tolerate ANY emotional abuse or offensive behavior and give him a pass because he has PTSD.I have told him that I need to learn him,and know when I need to back off and give him space,not talk too much and keep it simple or know when he's moody or when he shuts down not to take it personal because it really does not have anything to do with me.Slowly but surely I'm getting there..Thank God for this Forum!!