ok my mind is going crazy and I am out of options. they want me to do this inpatient intensive program because i didn't just build a wall, i'm a castle and they can't handle my strength. BS to me but hey.. who am i? i was sent to a therapist a few months ago for ptsd treatment. after like 6 times he was like, well, i am not sure you have ptsd... maybe it is just your tbi. well shit. that's what i have been told for the last 3,5 years and i finally started to believe it when they ripped it all apart by doing there own thing and telling me i did have ptsd and i really needed treatment and if i didn't do this, i could lose my job. After a while, me being me, i started to see the good things about it. So i really tried working on it. But i got so symptomatic after those treatments, it wasn't funny anymore. and then they stopped it just like that. leaving me like that to deal on my own. My therapist saying one thing, and my doc saying the complete opposite. Is it weird this is confusing to me? when my doc asked me what i thought and i said i don't know because i was confused by it all, he said i was avoiding. The fact that i could talk in therapy about what happened? And my therapist thinking it isn't ptsd? That's me building a wall... Basically everything is my fault. I can't do anything right. I am avoiding, i am building a wall, i am doing this or that, i am aggressive, my behavior isn't right... it doesn't matter what i say or do. So i am back in this corner, with no way out. I have to do this or else... How i feel about it? this treatment is going to harm me more then it will help me. My whole body and mind are screaming not to do it. they will push me so far over the edge, i will be so overwhelmed because of sensory overload and lack of energy and forcing my brain to focus and push through, it will take at least months to recover. But when i say this to my doc? Avoiding... He just says they're used to people like me (meaning ptsd) and they know what they are doing, i am not the only one bla bla bla. well, do they all have a tbi too? he just laughs it away because, you know... i have a wall and i am avoiding. oh wait, correction, i AM a f*cking CASTLE. I guess being a castle now means i cannot think? i really don't know what i can or can't do? and then there is work... they pushed me over the edge by making me do way to much stuff at once and i told them it would be.. so i had a major setback.. Guess what? my fault. Now i am screwed. they placed me for 20 hours because they said i can. I've tried for like 2 or 3 weeks so that is enough right? who cares. Now if i don't make it back soon to those 20 hours, i will lose this job, and will be kicked out. besides this all just dealing with my mom having some health issues, my aunt being terminally sick, my brother who i can't see and might be going to jail for years and not being able to see my newborn nephew and his 3 yr old sister. so... what should i do? ignore my own feelings, do the treatment and taking the risk of getting worse? well i am already feeling suicidal and depressed so when it backfires i might end up with only one option left... Or listen to myself for once and not doing the treatment? with the risk of losing my job, payment, and further help? And without the help, risking my health and might end up with that same one option left? either way i am screwed right? Or am i overthinking this and seeing everything the wrong way?