What To Say To Unhelpful Friends/Family

[anon222]

I was diagnosed with PTSD about a year ago. I was previously misdiagnosed with depression, which is a symptom of my PTSD. PTSD is the root of the problem. I've found that when I try to talk to friends or family, they say things that make me feel even worse than I already do. A common comment is "You're letting this happen to you", or "You're making the choice to feel this way." No one in my family ever asks how I am because if I talk about it they tell me it "just seems to upset me" so they think it's better if I don't talk to anyone.

Sometimes I've tried to explain that this isn't a choice my brain has right now. I've tried to explain that I keep living things over and over again as if they just happened to me. And they tell me that it's my fault for dwelling on it and that I won't get better until I decide to get better, and that I need to think happy thoughts. I even had a friend criticize me for having nightmares, saying I should tell myself not to have them before I fall asleep. It seems like everywhere I turn, people are telling me it's my fault and implying that I'm just weak and unwilling to get better.

I am seeing a therapist, am doing EMDR work. I feel like I'm doing all that I can to get through this. But there are days I can't even function. I lose track of time, I have difficulty remembering all the details of the trauma, I can't remember to eat, I have trouble concentrating, I have constant nightmares, attacks of fear that can last hours, and intrusive thoughts. Out of sheer preservation, I've had to end friendships with people who keep making me feel worse with their "advice". 99% of the time they tell me what I need to do, instead of asking what they can do to help, and then they get angry and frustrated with me if I do exactly as they say. They keep telling me that I don't want to get better or help myself. Not one of my friends or family has even looked up PTSD to try to understand what it is. They just tell me I want to be a victim, which is more hurtful than I can even express.

They are starting to make me question whether or not this is all my fault. My therapist reassures me that it isn't and that we need to teach my brain to process trauma in a different way.

Does anyone know of a list of what not to say to someone with PTSD?
Has anyone else experienced this response from friends or family? I feel very isolated and it would be nice to hear from others. Thank you for listening.

 

[reallydown]

Welcome to the forum Anon222!

Yes, we've all had or continue to have people in our lives who say stuff like this. Sometimes they are genuinely concerned and want to help but they say things like that because they don't knwo what else to say. As you point out, they don't understand PTSD and often they don't even make the effort to educate themselves about it. Even if they do read up on it...chances are that theystill won't understand as they don't have PTSD themselves.

Remember though, it is NOT your fault. You are NOT weak. Indeed, the fact that you're here and looking for help shows a great deal of courage.

There is a thread on this topic somewhere on the forum. Unfortunately, I can't seem to remember where exactly but probably in the PTSD Chat section.

Good to see you here. Good luck.

 

[cherryblossom]

Hi anon,

PTSD is NOT your fault. It does sound as if your family and friends need to learn a bit more. Unfortunately, not everyone is willing to be educated. And along with having PTSD, we have to choose our friends carefully, so that we don't get further traumatised, when they dismiss PTSD. I'm pretty sure most people here with PTSD will have had similar unhelpful comments at some point or other.
You might want to check out this thread - [DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread7730.html[/DLMURL]

I think this is the one reallydown has mentioned.

Regards, CB

 

[ISupportHer]

Just a few thoughts as my 2 cents worth.

First and foremost, as reallydown says, and hopefully you know, it is not your fault. The PTSD OR other's responses.

Also hope you look at the other thread anon222 refers to.

Then, just that some people respond with little compassion for many reasons. And what I say maybe doesn't make it any better really. It still hurts when people, particularly those you care about, cannot or will not understand. I can only share with you that it took me a while. I mean, I told my wife from the start that I believe her. But, OMG, I still am learning how to fully understand everything. Probably as much denial as anything. That it's harder that I hoped, longer than I hoped, reaches out into more areas in our lives than I hoped. More than I've hoped and want to accept.

I am not a sufferer, but when people say insensitive things around me, about PTSD or anything like race or sexual orientation, I just try to somehow think to myself, "how sad, they just do not have a clue" and try to realize that it's not my duty to change them. I mean, I can and will say something when I think I need to, but it is not something I have to take ownership of what THEY feel. Of course, I reach out more to family to try to make, no help, them understand.

So I guess I just wanted to convey that I am sorry you hurt and hope you can come to some ability to minimize the effect of these insensitive comments by others. Not trying to tell you what to feel or minimize what YOU feel.

 

[Marlene]

Applauding what has already been said here. A whole lot of us have been on the receiving end of a friend or family's 'help' that ended up making things worse.

I also want to add that people get scared with anything that has the word 'mental' in front of it. Mental health, mental illness, mental disorder, etc. That's still such a stigma in our society. If someone has cancer or a broken bone, no one tells them that they don't want to get better or they're just not trying hard enough to feel good or not be in pain. But since mental illness is not visible on the outside, people just assume that it's not a real illness. And there's the fact that when it hits close to home, it terrifies people because that person 'was so normal' and then they snapped and they wonder how easy it would be for it to happen to them. Like it's contagious or something.

More education is the key to understanding. I remember when I was a kid people with seizures where shunned and we were told to stay away from them because there was something wrong with them that made them different. Then education about what causes different kinds of seizures was brought out and talked about and it's not stigmatized anymore. The same thing needs to happen with mental health issues. *stepping off soapbox now*

Lisa

 

[Noone.]

Hello Anon.

Being a sufferer myself I can relate.
I tell everyone what I have and what it's about and if anyone of my friends or
family gave me grief I say walk in my shoes for a day and lets see how you end up.
Remember were never alone.

Take care.

Fire.

 

[anon222]

Thank you for your helpful responses. By the way, I made a typo in my post. I meant to say that "they get angry and frustrated with me if I DON'T DO exactly as they say." It's hard to lose friends at the time you need them most. I looked at the link to What Never to Say...and a lot of it hit home. I'm sorry this has happened to so many people.

I'm dealing with the sudden loss of someone I loved deeply. We were planning to marry. Not death, but a very unexpected and final departure that pulled the rug out from under me. I hear "You're better off without him", "You need to get angry," "You need to tell him off," "You need to make a list of all the things you didn't like about him and focus on that." Now, if he had died, I can't imagine someone saying these things. But somehow they think it's okay to say these things because he's alive. Well, he isn't alive to me. It's as if he's died.

Maybe it's a good sign that I'm becoming intolerant of these comments that I just used to take like head-punches. I've set boundaries with some of these people and asked them to stop saying these things, but they keep crossing those boundaries. I just can't tolerate it anymore. I've already cut off tie with two friends and it was scary and lonely at first, but lately I've had a sense of relief that I don't have to deal with their insensitive, hurtful remarks.

 

[Frankie]

Welcome to the forum anon,

You will see lots of info here from both sides, sufferers and carers. And most importantly lots of support from everyone....and noone will judge you.

And please believe, this is not your fault...you certainly did not "choose" to have this disorder. You are showing strength and courage by coming here....and that is a good step in learning how to cope with the disorder.

I agree totally on what was said above and the most important thing to realize and accept is that PTSD is a chemical inbalance and changes the sufferer's life. ISupportHer...I can relate to what you are saying :)

Also true, education is the key to understanding....and with understanding comes acknowledgement and acceptance......You will always have ptsd, but you can still live a rewarding, happy and satisfying life.

A lot of people are ignorant and are afraid of everything to do with "mental sickness" and are not willing to make the extra efforts to understand and be compassionate regarding something that simply "is".....not through anyone's fault but through "circumstances".

Firehouse says "walk in my shoes for a day"....

I know that, being a carer, I can never relate to what the sufferer has gone through and still is going through, but I can try to better
understand, support and seek the "tools" to help you better cope.

BUT, carers also need to be shown how. Let us know what, you, the sufferer needs and wants from us!

You have to surround yourself with people that will understand, not push or judge and are ready to educate themselves and love you for who you are, ptsd and all.

You will also have to realize that, no matter how hard you try, some people would rather be in denial, "it is all in your head" ..."move on"..."get over it, already"....these people will never understand.

Take care of you :)

Frankie

 

[Mommy to 2]

Welcome to the forum, anon222.

In my experience, I understand your reference to a "death" even though it was not an actual "death". My "friends" and "family" withdrew. My own mom tells me I just need to "get over it". No one knows what to say, so they say nothing at all.

I'm sure that I make everyone uncomfortable when I cry or talk about what happened. No one wants to be confronted with the reality. It's supposed to be people you don't know that bad things happen to...like the random faces of the missing children on the wall at the Wal-Mart. You don't know them, or their parents, so you are safe in your own little "safe" world.

Continue with your therapy and do what you need to to take care of yourself. There are many people and topics on this forum that I have been able to relate to immediately. I thank them all for reaching out to help me. Don't get caught up in expectations of others who do not understand. Be kind to you.

~Mommy to 2

 

[sigh]

ok. I know I once again am going to receive the popularity vote on this one.

I've learned, unlike Fire (who I think is very brave), to tell people in my family as little as possible about what I'm going through. When I did tell them, they infantalized (sp?) me, they told me there was nothing wrong with me. As I was "the prodigal daughter," the thought of me going "off my path" was just too much to bear.

I've learned a lot. Besides not telling them what is not *essentially important, I've used tools like the broken record technique. I've realized that not only do they catastrophize (not a spelling day) everything, but so do I. And again, I see things in black and white and so do they. (all from CBT). I try to use mindfulness (being aware of my feelings and understanding their lack of appropriate response).

Your family may love you, but as was said above, no matter how much they love you, they may just not be able to handle the news or the description of the illness or treatment.

PTSD, imho, is an enigmatic thing—we all have different traumas and we all experience the symptoms a little differently. Therefore, educating people may be hard (except for Fire who is my hero). My one uncle was my best friend throughout my life. But now, when I bring anything up to him, he says something like "you're fine." "Everything's fine." "Don't worry about it." HE can't handle it. Though he cares, though I've tried to tell him about my experiences, I've stopped altogether.

I must say that not talking about it is as ostracizing as talking about it. I have sought out groups where I can talk to people IRL about their experiences. I need to hear it from someone else—which is why I'm here.

So I guess, after all this chatter, I'd lay off the disappointments by simply cutting the amount of personal information you share. I'd seek out IRL people with whom you could share experiences. There is no reason you should ever feel alone. If you want people to know, sometimes sitting down and having a little "conference" can help instead of explaining it one at a time.

siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. ugh. I

 

[cherryblossom]

It's hard to lose friends at the time you need them most.

You don't necessarily need to lose your friends because of this. I find that I just have to be selective over who I tell what to. There are so many different levels of friendship. Just because someone is unable (or maybe unwilling) to understand PTSD, doesn't mean you have to lose them as a friend. It is hard sometimes, when PTSD feels so overwhelming, but having friends you can just have a chat and smile with, are just as important as those you can have deep and meaningfuls with. You are not solely defined by PTSD, don't let it be all you think and talk about. If someone is hurting you with their comments - don't talk to them about PTSD, it will only traumatise you further. Try to find some middle ground, so you can still be friends and enjoy each others company. It doesn't have to be all, or nothing.

 

[cragger65]

My sister told me, "There's nothing wrong with you". A friend told me, "You're stronger than that". A psychiatrist of all people told me that it was "choices that I'd made". And he's the one that diagnosed me with PTSD!!!

No, you're not alone in that. I've even shown family members qEEG's of my brain that show a rating of 5 out of 10 on the TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) scale. The q was done 7 years post injury, and the psych doing the test said that at the time of injury it was probably 8.5 or 9 out of 10 in severity. The greatest healing from TBI happens in the first 2-3 years.

Doesn't change a damned thing for any of them. And yes, I get all the "helpful advice" from friends, which all basically boil down to "get your ass in gear and heal already". I want to tell everyone, "Go through what I've been through for the last 8 years, and let me know how you make out with that. Until then, shut your f'in pie-hole!!!

It's not our "fault", but it is our responsibility to try to help ourselves and each other. I'm glad you found us, because that's exactly what happens here.

Blessings,
Dave