Acceptance is key for me to deal with the memories.
- Accepting that it happened.
- Accepting that I can't change it no matter how many ways I relive it.
- Accepting that it will never happen the same way again, so rehearsing for it isn't useful to me.
- Accepting that my life has continued when I thought it was over.
- Accepting that I am to blame for the things I did and said, and didn't do or say that I should have... and accepting that I'm only human and what I did and said came from my beliefs about myself and others.
- Accepting that in order to love life I have to trust myself to handle socializing.
- Accepting that broken people can still have fun... this helps when I'm having fun and suddenly become triggered because I never thought I deserved to feel good while there was still so much unresolved negativity in my life.
Another thing that helped with controlling the memories so they didn't consume my whole day was realizing that of the many, many times that I had already relived them, I had always come to the same conclusion about myself and everyone involved. So, I came up with a good one-liner about those memories and I try to skip ahead to it. That helps a lot! I no longer relive a lot of the traumas because I can just repeat that one-liner and briefly test it's validity, and realize that reliving it again would end in the same result. That makes me feel resolved. It's like closure from within. It took me a loooong time and a lot of different scenarios before I was able to come to a one-liner that really represented closure to me. But, I would suggest it as a goal to anyone who can't stop the memories from flooding in and ruining their day... basically, start eliminating all hope of changing things or doing anything about what happened (or to someone who deserves retribution). Do that by following every lead toward making the change or taking action... and if it works then great! and if it doesn't then stop going down that path. Some of your ideas can and should be eliminated with the help of a professional whom you trust has your best interests in mind... you don't want to go off half cocked trying to remedy a situation that outsiders could easily tell you will only bring you more pain. I hope this makes sense.
As for dissociation, acceptance will help with that too. Accept that you've become overwhelmed and let yourself dissociate. When you come back, be curious without judgement about what happened before you dissociated. Just start writing down what you were doing and what is the last thing you remember sensing (hearing, smelling, tasting, touching, etc..). If you can't remember, accept that too. You're being your own scientist right now. You're just looking for clues. Be really proud of the person who survived - that's you - and start writing down all the critical thoughts on a separate paper marked "Unhelpful Criticisms". Really internalize that those unhelpful criticisms are abusive and hurtful. Don't blame yourself for them, they can't have come from you alone since everyone has a long list of terrible things they tell themselves and often they are the same things that other people are telling themselves. So, just see them for what they are and let them go. This will help you accept yourself. For me, my inner critic stopped me from analyzing myself by berating me until I dissociated again. It may be different for you, so figure out what it is that's triggering you and give yourself the right to analyze it.
No doctor is going to fix your emotional and psychological issues from the traumas. You might be able to do it for yourself, but only if you've got the courage to stare down your fears. Turn and face them. We've all made mistakes. We've all been gullible, naive, selfish, egotistical, rash, etc... we've all done things we regret. Some people got lucky and nothing terrible happened when they made a big mistake. I got lucky sometimes, and other times I was traumatized. Same for you. The difference is that those times I remember getting lucky I learned from the mistakes I made... and those times I was traumatized... I didn't learn from them until I was able to turn around and face them. Honestly, they just kept happening over and over again until I finally faced them with the courage to learn from them.
I keep in mind that EVERYONE who was faced with the issues I had in my life would have come out changed one way or another. In fact, I think part of my trauma was being changed by the experience when I had liked my life before. But life changes us. Everyone has to face change. Embracing the changes in your perspective about life is a good thing! Life is filled with terrible things. Believing that it's just you, or just due to some mistakes you made, makes you feel different and unworthy... and it's not at all realistic. Try your best to embrace the reality of the world we live in. People don't have to care about you. People don't have to be nice to you. People don't have to treat you fairly. People might want to hurt you for fun. But, most people do care, most people are nice, most people intend to be fair, most people have more fun when everyone is enjoying themselves. That's a good thing and if you can look for evidence of it, you'll feel safer. I try to remember humility. I am just one of many. I am not the best nor the worst. I am learning the same way others are learning about life, morals, values and integrity. I am bound to make mistakes, but no more or less than others have. I am/was influenced by my family, community, church, teachers, classmates, abusers and enablers to believe the things I believed when I made the mistakes which I regret most... and I have faced those mistakes and learned from them. I am changed by facing it, just as much as I was changed by experiencing it. Life is fluid. The way you experience it changes as your beliefs and expectations in life change. But, not until then... not really.
I'd say your recovery is up to you. You make the choices, and your goals are set by your expectations. Set your sights high, and learn to embrace disappointment, you'll go farther that way.
