What Were You Like As A Kid And Coping Skills Over Time

[Biz]

I'm reflecting today on my inner little kid today and on what I can remember from being a kid. It got me thinking... Most of y'all probably know that there are certain unhealthy coping mechanisms that correlate with different types of trauma, like the high correlation between bulimia and CSA. I was thinking on being a little kid, and thinking of my coping skills then vs. now and how my background affected those (or a why that? if you will). I'm interested in hearing others' too. Maybe we'll see our own correlations.

The gist of my trauma: I grew up in an alcoholic family. Lots of subtle and some not so subtle developmental trauma. A lot of emotional abuse and general cruelty mostly related to my gender identity, since I was trans as a kid and am gender-queer now. Religious abuse. Neglect. Poss. other stuff too, depends on how much I believe my dreams.

My little kid coping mechanisms: Compulsive hand-washing, isolation, dissociation, magical thinking (two examples there was a shield across my doorway, I had a guardian angel that sometimes left me), food restrictions more so than a picky eater, nail-biting to the point of bleeding and lots of infections as a kid, some tapping/number/repeat compulsions.

My adult, unhealthy, coping mechanisms: Dissociation, disordered eating (or highly ordered as I explain to my therapist), isolation, nail-biting still, splitting, some tapping compulsions.

What about y'all?

 

[LuckyDuck]

I've never heard splitting before. Could you explain what that is?

Kid coping: balance maintenance (imagine the view from your eyes. Split it down the middle. If a tall tree was on one half I'd lift my hand to balance out the large object imbalance), trichotillomania, shoulder shrugging, rubbing my feet together (worn out a few blankets that way).

Adult coping: trichotillomania (lessened, thankfully. I have eyebrows now), restless leg, letting my coprolalia/echolalia rip when I can't contain it.

So some went away completely (it would have been hell if it hadn't) and some new stuff came up. The younger brain is full of surprises. I probably would never have left the house if I was still doing balance maintenance (I don't know the real term, but it's to do with synesthesia which I still got). I sometimes don't but that's usually when my brain is too irritated to go out without cussing.

 

[Biz]

Splitting is a defense response where people are characterized as 'all good' or 'all bad.' Another term is black and white thinking. For me, this is less about individuals and more generalized to society. It's like, I will get really lost in how poisonous our social system is and get wrapped up in that topic/mode of thinking for weeks to months.

 

[Neverthesame]

I was shy, quiet and meek, to a fault. I also had an irritating stutter.

When I first moved to Canada, I learned that being the strange sounding pushover, gets you one thing. Beat up alot. Ha ha, kids are arseholes, the world over.

I also learned that ignoring it only makes them bolder.

Then I learned, adults seldom speak to children with truth. Their reasons are most likely benign in intent, but the ramifications of their words can be malicious.

Then I learned. The only person who really has your back is you. If someone pushes you, break their f*cking nose. If you get in trouble, shout. Loud. Hold them accountable for their actions or inactions. They were perfectly content to stand in the back of the schoolyard smoking a cigarette, when some kid was holding your head under a puddle.

Now they want to bitch because you caused them some extra paperwork? f*ck that, f*ck them. I was expelled later that year. Lol.

New school, guess what? I never had a serious problem with anyone. I made it clear that I wouldn't take anybody's shit. Never had to break anyone's nose. Body language says far more than words can. This became a language I learned to speak and read fluently.

Quickness to anger however when mixed with PTSD, became a really big problem. Especially when you learned early on, to turn anxiety and fear into anger, what you end up with is poorly controlled rage. Mix that with a substance abuse problem and well... Let's just say I am lucky I never wound up in jail.

Fortunately I also learned how to mostly overcome that damn stutter. No idea how it works, but I have a hell of a time pronouncing any word that starts with "det". Detergent, Detroit, detrimental, determined, detention. To name a few. Although it is amazing how many substitutes there are for most of those words, even Detroit, which I generally refer to as motown. Even to people who have never heard of it.

But long story short, I am still learning about my behaviour and why it's the way it is, how it affects those around me and how to change the bad ones. Always a work in progress.

 

[Changing4Best]

I would go climb a tree and stay there until I had to pee so badly that I could not hold it any longer. Then I would come down to use the bathroom. We had a tent that we played in and I would hide in there. It was in the back yard. If it was raining, my sister and I would go down into the basement and play quietly there. Our main aim was to stay away from our alcoholic father.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

I was quiet mostly. Cried myself to sleep often. Fantasised about not waking up in the mornings. Did well in English and art but crap at everything else, especially maths. I only had one friend. I had lots of imaginary friends, I talked to myself a lot. I had an alternate identity (which is still there now). I was scared of almost everyone. I daydreamed a lot and was very very shy. I was well behaved and kept my toys and my room tidy and immaculate. I felt unwanted and unwelcome with my family. I read a lot, I loved books. I picked at my skin (still do). I was mostly unhappy but pretended to be fine. I was and still feel like, a misfit.

I now have a severe eating disorder not otherwise specified. And anxiety and depression. Along with endometriosis, plantar fasciitis and sexual dysfunctions. A lot of self hatred.

I still talk to myself. I'm 32 now.

 

[Weemie]

As a kid: fighting. Anyone and anything. Fear was cut out of some of my people. Music, skateboarding, running. Activity, temper tantrums, staying up late, the internet, using substances. I was too disorganized & reactive as a kid. I didn't have a clear fear-pattern response, I didn't shy away from things. Even my abusers. I welcomed it, come the f*ck at me. In my mind, if it was me, it wasn't someone else. Psychic surgery, cut out all the fear-centers.

As an adult: studying. Anything, anytime! Music, always. Staying up late, the internet. Walking. Cleaning. Breathing. Challenging myself. It's been a long and winding road to get myself off of substances. Most of my coping mechanisms now are coping mechanisms to avoid relapsing. When I'm using, I'm traumatized. Fear crept in slowly. Now I'm too compliant. I'm learning to be more assertive, self-assured and accepting. Trying to dismantle anger.

 

[jaccat]

As a child- hiding, losing myself in books, withdrawing from people- prefering my teddy bears as friends, getting out of the house at every opportunity, being self-sufficient to the point of not needing anybody, burying my emotions- all apart from anger, self harming- physically hurting myself, denying myself food and other food-related issues, some small OCD behaviours- counting, obsessing over numbers, wide-scale head wipe resulting in pretty thorough amnesia, relying wholly on my intellect, my thinking brain, to keep me going. That's it for now.

Now: still withdrawing from people, don't trust anybody, still totally self-sufficient. Still heavily relying on thinking brain over feelings. Burying myself in work to the point of unhealthy. Avoidance still a big one.

 

[Ronin]

As a child: Fighting, hiding, drawing, running, thinking poems about things I was seeing.

As an adult: Music, fighting, running, writing, painting. All around moved to art before arms.

As a teen: To be rediscovered. Drugs and hiding, apparently. I would say fighting but it was those years it wasn't coping, more just something I was too used to do I couldn't figure anything else.

 

[Gadgie]

Had a rough violent childhood, but as a teenager I learned a lot of DIY skills helping my Dad, ( who was a good parent to me) refurbish a large house that they had bought to turn into a guest house.

Those skills have been useful to me, as I've done up four houses since then in my lifetime. Even my oldest daughter to could wire a plug, measure and cut wood, when she was only eight years old.

 

[Mammo]

Hello, good question.

As a child/adolescent: reading; drawing; cutting myself; always going to stay at friends' houses (they rarely came to our house); smoking - especially on the roof of our house, and looking at the sky; running away; switching off emotionally; my main thing that got me through my childhood, which literally involved writing out all the months of all the years that I had to "wait" until I was 18 and could leave, was school work. Academic achievement being the most highly valued thing in our home, so I just waited and worked very hard.

As an adult: Work was my primary thing, it distracted me from everything else. It worked for a long time, but it doesn't work anymore. I still draw and paint. I'd like to post some of my picture here, but they're too "big." Now I primarily cope by staying away from people entirely. It's strange, I feel less lonely when I'm in my apartment alone, than I do in an office surrounded by people.

 

[Go Hungry]

Hmm... well, had the the physically abusive, totalitarian older brother, and a mother with severe PTSD trying to hold a family together despite my "hidden" alcoholic father. Tormented at home, school and church. Under mental assault from all sides. So..

Little kid: withdrawal, lots of reading and dissociation, magical thinking (in my case I was something of a shaman) being a complete and total pushover.

Adult: withdrawal, great shyness... basically the entire laundry list of symptoms for PTSD and Adult Child of an Alcoholic. I have quite a lot of self-hatred and shame still... But I'm getting better about it, lately.