What Will Happen Next - Repressed Memories

[Girlgirlgirl]

So, I will be attending a DBT outpatient program in a day. I was in it before. My new EMDR therapist seems more ethical & good than the others-I think I might be able to accomplish shit with her.

Joining the DBT program seems a little odd to me since I'm not engaging in self-harm and have been doing well since I left two years ago, but all the trauma work I've been doing has made me pretty destabilized, especially with a bad therapist that I had. (I lowkey maybe should take psych meds, although I plan not to-that would probly make me a little more stable;))) So, I feel it will help me with my coping skills and whatnot. I've been dealing a lot with repressed memories and feelings that I never acknowledged before and man, those can be very disturbing & disorienting.

I just want to make sure I'm 100% stable before I get to them more completely... sometimes, I catch a glimpse of one, but I know I'm protecting myself & don't allow myself to see the complete one. The repressed memory thing sort of freaks me out, in a way. Because, I think I know something, then out of nowhere - a new memory! I also feel flooded with bad memories, negative thoughts about them, and negative feelings.

Sometimes, I feel cheated out of life or like, what's the point? It's important that I recognize that it's temporary & it is for the purpose of desensitizing myself to the memory so I can live the rest of my life well, but it's easy to just feel like complete shit & I feel like since my trauma is so complex, therapy will probably take multiple years to resolve it (even the literature says so). So, it's kind of hard to see it as "temporary", when I'm going to feel this way for at least another year or two or three! (if I'm lucky for therapy to be done that fast).

I'm not sure why I'm so driven to process traumas. I think it's the only thing that gives me hope. Or maybe I just want to see what will happen! I think I want to move on with my life. Not sure what the point of this post is, I think I just want to share. I know people in my life who have dealt with repressed memories, multiple traumas, trauma therapy, etcetera, but I just can't bring myself to talk to them about it. I don't know why.

So, if you want to comment on whatever I wrote or share your own thoughts about what is going on in your life, cool. Like, I said, I just feel the need to communicate but feel isolated from the people I know, for no good reason!

 

[Sideways]

With c-ptsd on board, I'm in the same boat as you. Destabilised enough to be back in hospital which is a bit of a downer (understatement alert - makes me feel like I'm not getting anywhere:confused:).

One thing I do know is that 'recovery' takes years, yes, they really aren't kidding about that. But feeling better? That's totally different. Feeling better happens in steps along the way - steps that are so small that you can't see yourself making them.

But it's like looking in the mirror every day as a kid. Nope, still definitely the same size I was yesterday, still no progress on the height front. When actually you are growing, and it's only in retrospect that you tend to realise that even though you're still feeling shitty, you have been feeling a little better, day by day, and that you really do feel a lot better than you did this time 2 years ago, even though the 'recovery' part is still a work in progress.

My brain is suffering from a recent dose of valium, so in case none of thay made any sense, short version: recovery takes years, but feeling better doesn't. Feeling better, stronger and more in control is happening every day, even though you don't notice it.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

It is a long process and a journey of unveiling the truth about who you really are on the inside I think. It takes time to go through all of the the traumatic memories thoughts feelings etc. Just try to hang onto the fact that with each step and milestone you take you will not have to repeat and that you are doing the best you can with what you know.

 

[mrsmegan]

I relate to this so much. Just today I have been feeling like crap as I am approaching my one year anniversary with my T - i.e. 1 year of finally dealing with all of this shit - and I know we have a long ways to go still. I know it is better to be in the middle than to have not started at all - but it can be so discouraging to think about all of the work that still needs to be done. I'm just tired....

 

[Girlgirlgirl]

yeah so true, I guess looking back, I have sort of made progress in comparison to when I first started about 2 years ago! But now, yeah I just feel destabilized & wonder, why does this have to take so long? Haha.

 

[Powder]

I have felt this way. But then I think about the fact that other people I care about have even worse things to live with like MS and being unable to move/walk or talk and it's killing them, painfully.

PTSD is no picnic, but it can go into remission. I have good days that my MS relative never has and he's still a fighter.

I try not to dwell on the issue of how many new flashbacks can I handle and chose instead to focus on how much braver I am at handling them, which I am.

They don't tend to freak me out anymore because I've already been through the memory; I already survived it, so there's nothing to be truly afraid of.

I also use my faith. I believe in multiple lives and that by doing repair on my soul in the here and now, I will have less "homework" to do later. :)

Knowing myself, this argument tends to work on me (an A student.):angelic::bookworm:

 

[cupfish]

Recovered memories are a big pain, they always stink, and you never know where or when they come. Ugh. I had one where I ended up bawling in the grocery store parking lot. Talk about insanity!! Here is my take: memories come out because they need to come out. Let it flow. Grieve, be sad for your former self who went through that horrible event. Don't be afraid, none of those memories is real today...I hope....My big C-PTSD breakthrough came when I accepted it was chronic, when I accepted that my brain fires warning signals all the time even though there is no stressor really, when I accepted that I don't remember a lot of my childhood so when memories are recovered I have to let them flow through me. You're very honest in your communications, that helps. ;)