What Will Make Her " Get Me "?

[Kristin]

Ever since my event, I cant get my mother to understand how I feel. She has always been my biggest supporter, but it seems that I can't confide in her without negative feedback. I even told her that I joined this forum and how much I liked it, but she insisted that I am bringing stress onto myself.

She just doesn't understand how badly I wish that were the case. I wish I was overdramatizing my symptoms. I wish that I didnt always anticipate the worst. I want to get out of the same routine where I feel like if I stray from it, something bad will happen. I wish that I wasn't constantly wondering when I am going to die. And you know, it wouldn't be that awful if I didn't assume that every person who looks even slightly in my direction is about to pull a gun on me.

Sorry for rambling a bit. I guess where I'm getting at is I dont know what else to do. Has anyone had this type of problem? Is there something I can say to her to make her understand? I never realized how badly I need her approval, but as sad as it is, I do.

 

[Poppycocteau]

In my experience, family members - especially parents - often just don't want to admit that anything is wrong, even though it's clear that there is. My relations with my family broke down because of a combination of PTSD symptoms and my inability to cope with finding a job, which was due to undiagnosed Autism. They threw me out, and my relationship with them has been very strained ever since. If I try to talk about my problems, they aren't supportive or understanding, and they are very judgemental about the fact that I don't have a job. After a really stressful e-mail argument with my father about my lack of work and his past abuse, I identified that they were having a bad effect on my self-esteem, and wrote them a letter explaining that if they aren't going to make more effort to be supportive then I'd rather avoid them because they aren't helping me, and I don't add anything to their lives. That was more than a year ago. They didn't reply, and have made no effort to patch things up, so I'm trying to forget about them, and learn that their opinions and judgements aren't relevant to me and shouldn't make me feel useless. I would love their approval and support, it would mean a lot to me, but it isn't forthcoming, and so I must learn to heal without it, which in the long run is perhaps healthier.

I'm not suggesting that you give your mother an ultimatum and then not talk to her, but I just wanted to say that you're not alone in your situation, and the level of support and understanding you get will depend very much on the person you're trying to get it from. There's no magic thing you can say to get them to realise what it's like if they don't take it seriously, and pre-conceived prejudices about mental illness can be very hard to shift. She may never understand or accept the ways you have found of healing yourself, but it doesn't mean that they are less valid or that you shouldn't be using them. I do know how hard it is, not to have parental support - keep persevering with your own happiness and mental health, though, and congratulations on having the bravery to join and write on this forum. It took years to be able to do that for me, but it has helped immeasurably with my morale.

xXx

 

[Boa1]

This is an incredible thread, with issues I am dealing with as well. I am currently in therapy dealing with complex childhood PTSD. My father not only not willing to understand or except my current situation, he will belittle the what I have learned, say therapy is a waist of time and money, in his words, sarcasm, and tone. This is hard for me to deal with. I am new to this stuff and am in my 7th week of therapy, which is helping tremendously.I have learned not to bring it up as it just creates conflict and sceptisim within myself. There is a dirty little secret in our family. My father never spoke to his father, I have never met my grandfather, who is now dead. Something happened my father won't talk about. My therapist asked about this today, I told her that. She said it needs to be addressed. "multi-generational transmission of tramau". I guess I've got a new topic to study! That's gonna be a hard confontation, if I decide to do it. Thanks for the thread.

 

[Dee Morris]

If you ever figure out some magic words to say to accomplish understanding please share them. Terms that mean one thing to most people mean something completely different to me. For example, when I walk into a building, lets say a club, the first thing I do is "Investigate my surroundings". To my husband that means simply looking around. Maybe scoping out the nearest bar & locating the bathroom. To me it means finding the exits, finding a table that feels safest. Observing the people, how many people are there? What is their demeanor? Are they a potential threat to my safety? And then the entire time I am there I am constantly reassessing my surroundings. I have used this exact same analogy in trying to explain how I'm feeling to my husband but apparently I'm not explaining it in a way that he can relate to because he just doesn't get it.

The thing is tho', that as much as I would love for him to understand me, I'm kind of glad he doesn't because I think the only way he could wrap his mind around what this extreme hyper-vigilance feels like is for him to have had to experience the necessity of being hyper-vigilant. I just can't conjure enough anger to wish that on anyone.

 

[Kristin]

Thank you all for your comments. In any other setting, saying that I'm glad you are going through what I am may seem harsh, but I feel like its okay to be different on this forum. I love it. I am at the same time sorry for you guys for having to feel the same emotional abandonment that I am feeling.

Dee: I do the exact same thing everywhere I go. Those are the types of things that I try to get her to understand go on in my head. She tells me to not think about it that way, and I explain for the thousandth time that if I could I would.

 

[Dee Morris]

Exactly Kristin! There is a point that I just can't justify myself anymore. It is what is. If it's too much to deal with then maybe his time & energy would be better served spent with someone not like me. I know that I can give 100 examples to my husband about things that are triggers but he seems to think I should just suck it up.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Ultimately, it's not understanding we really need from those around us, I think.

Because how could they?

It's acceptance, support, and respect of healthy boundaries.

These things are visible and can be measured through our feelings, life circumstances, physical evidence.

I know my hubby supports me because he is always trying on new responses when I tell him what isn't helpful, even if I have no idea how to fix it. I know he accepts my limitations because he doesn't judge me or verbally belittle me for them.

We can begin identifying supporting, accepting people by asking them for simple requests and seeing if they are willing to consider our feeling or not.

'Please lower your voice. I'm feeling anxious right now.'

My hubby lowers his voice. My non-supportive peeps make nasty comments, jokes, laugh, or refuse outright.

Once we find supportive, willing people, we can spend more of our energy on time, attention with them, less with the others, which begins stabilizing our lives and relationships.

 

[Kintsugi]

Oh. Kristin, I wish I knew the answer. My situation is complicated a little by my brother being my chief abuser, and it complicates things twofold. One is that it exacerbates the denial and makes my family push me to "forget about it" because it would be "good for the family." Another is that my brother doesn't have PTSD, even though he was also sexually abused as a child.

So how can my parents understand that I live with this every waking moment? I think my only answer is writing about my life, and I am very fortunate that I know every trick in the writer's book about bringing the audience in as close as possible: present tense, first person, simple sentences, little detail outside of the necessary.

But maybe this will help you, too (though I can't say my parents understand yet).

So, let's take Alba's scenario of a club.

I am sweating. I am in a club. I walk in, and my eyes dart to the exits: back to the left, one behind me. There are so many people. I glance at each one, evaluating. A man throws his arms into the air. Gun! No. Laughter. Next suspect: long coat, sharp teeth, hand in his pocket, pulling something out. I am disappearing inside of myself as I wait for the barrel to emerge. Sweating, sweating, shakes, trembling, hot fear--relief, just a wallet. But I sink to the wall, my back against it. I am waiting for the blast.

Perhaps something very narrative and visceral like this might help her to "get it"? I don't know the answer, but I want to give one to you.

 

[Tosh]

I have had the same problem, wanting other who are close to me to "get it". What brings me peace is that saying "understand, before being understood" Just trying to see things from their point of view, and then accepting that they probably will never "get it", and that's okay with me. I have PTSD and if someone really want to know what I go through, or why I jump when a plastic bag rustles in the wind at night, then ask. I would be banging my head agianst a wall if I tried to explain what I go through to some people. I am grateful I can come to this forum and interact with people who do get what I'm going through.

 

[Tinyflame]

I don't really care, either. I'd rather understand others more, too.

 

[scott_1971_h]

My father not only not willing to understand or except my current situation, he will belittle the what I have learned, say therapy is a waist of time and money, in his words, sarcasm, and tone.

There is nothing as secret as abuse. You *MUST NEVER* disclose anything to anyone. And someone outside the family is unthinkable. I think your father is feeling like he's losing control over you. (Control he should not have any more)
Scott

 

[Debi]

Reading this thread makes me really think about "who gets it." I think it has been said....How could they "get it" if they never experienced it.

I had been a nurse for several years and worked in the church with people mourning the loss of a loved one. I thought I had a firm grip on understanding the process of grieving.

My mom passed away in 2009 I found myself in the hospital ; unaware of who I was; lost...so far into flashbacks I could not even tell what was going on in my present world.

I have never had to deal with cancer; but my daughter had to go through it, I didn't ..."get it"...I just knew she was scared and she needed me.

It is ok if you don't "get it"......just don't minimize my experience.....or wish it away.....this is my attitude anyway