What Would You Call This?

[ComingUndone]

I have just recently discovered that a friend of mine was sexually abused as a child.

I am in a relationship with somebody who has PTSD from childhood sexual abuse, but my friend who I just learned about doesn't seem to have PTSD. She does have very low self-esteem and depression, just like my gf with PTSD, and has told me she even used to suffer from flashbacks, but it is the attitude towards sex that confuses me.

While my gf trys to avoid sex in every way possible, my friend actually likes it, even though she admits it stresses her out. What is even odder, is that her favourite things sexually are the things she was exposed to during abuse.

Does anybody have any clue what this would be?

 

[BloomInWinter]

It's wonderful your friend has you caring for and about her, but this is, after all, her journey. What you've mentioned is common, sadly, with abuse but that is for her to discover the whys and wherefores on her own.

...and you have your journey to attend to. Hope you find comfort, hope, and healing for yourself. Carers who take care of themselves first are in a much better position to help.

You are very kind. May you have many happy memories to look forward to.

 

[Sterre]

While my gf trys to avoid sex in every way possible, my friend actually likes it, even though she admits it stresses her out. What is even odder, is that her favourite things sexually are the things she was exposed to during abuse.

I think both coping strategies are common amongst people who suffered sexual abuse. The way your girlfriend copes with the consequences is by avoiding sex, while your friend finds satisfaction in re-enacting/reliving her trauma. Both are opposite coping strategies. Everybody has there own way of dealing with things. It's somewhat black and white. Avoidance and re-enacting. Hopefully somewhere along the line they will at some point find a grey area to feel safer with their sexuallity.

 

[ComingUndone]

Hm, I always thought people with past abuse always just tried to avoid it.

I told my gf once that I thought this girl might have been abused because of the way she sometimes lets men use her and stuff, but she told me that was impossible and that if she had been abused she'd avoid it in any way possible.

But, what really confuses me is about the flashbacks. She told me the last time she had one was over a year ago, coincidently the same time she entered into a relationship that later turned out to be abusive. It wasn't a period of flashbacks either, just one, and I'm not certain how long it was before that she had one. Almost seems like her mind knew, and was warning her, doesn't it? Pretty crazy. But are there any other diagnosises involving flashbacks that aren't PTSD? She just doesn't seem severe enough to have it, but then again, I'm not a mental health doctor.

 

[Turtle]

I know for me I don't avoid sex even though I was sexually abused as a child. It's weird but the way I processed it was that if I avoid it then they won, they'd still have control. It took work to not let it trigger me but now it's one way that I have regained some control in my life. I like it, I enjoy it and I won't let what happened in the past ruin that for me now.

I will avoid sex when things are REALLY rough for me, but let's face it, a sex drive is nonexistent anyways when flashbacks are going crazy and I have a general sense of losing my mind.

 

[blueangel371115]

For me personally, I use sex for self-medication. There are certain things that my partner can't do but generally I enjoy sex.

 

[ComingUndone]

Any idea if the enjoyment of the sex has to do with the severity of the trauma? Or is it just the person's personality? Or is it something learned over years?

 

[blueangel371115]

I think I can be some of everything. Everyone's mind is wired a little different so it's very possible.

 

[ComingUndone]

Yeah very true. Though likely not something learned I guess, at first I tried that kinda thing with my gf (was not a good idea, at all).

I still have trouble understanding though why I am the very first person she has ever told. My grandmother also shared her experiences with me, which my father and uncle have never even been told about. I think my gf is pretty open about it but she shared pretty quick too. Women just seem to trust me with this kinda thing, my only possible guess as to why that could be is because of my size, and they think I can protect them.

 

[blueangel371115]

it's possible or she feels like she can trust you. She feels safe. This is difficult for most of us to talk about and maybe since you two have a history she knows she can trust you.

 

[ComingUndone]

Yeah. I think (and am hoping) that she does not have PTSD, most members I have seen get very upset and need to take a break afterwords, but I asked her a lot of questions, and she didn't avoid a single one, and told me she felt a lot better after getting that off of her chest.

 

[blueangel371115]

Yes we can but for me personally, the getting upset and getting things off my chest is helpful. Stick with it. My therapist said security and stabilty are critical in my healing.