What Would You Do....

[Sailorgal]

My ex boyfriend wrote me back, a lengthy email stating his request to have minimal corresondence (understandable) but still "really wants to know" how my healing is going. He says he doesn't know if he will be ready for more or if there is damage beyond repair.

He also mentioned thinking about both the good and the bad but the bad (my ptsd) outweighs the good. It has affected him and he has changed.

Reading it brought up anxiety for onvious reasons. But the truth is, I have never allowed anyone to get close to me like that.

I have accepted it's over and there is no chance for us in the future. I'm just sad cos it feels like he abandoned me... When I was emotionally ready to ready work things out for myself and between us, he gave up. Do I even reply??!!

Due to my disassociation, I couldn't even feel anything until the end. Then my true feelings for him flooded - and it was soo wonderful to feel what love was like. He was truly my prince charming. Never met a better guy ever who loved me as I was.

I just don't want to reply knowing I really still want to be with him. I'm focusing on me...of course I would love to stay in contact but it's hard for both of us. I can't even think about him meeting someone else cos I thought we'd be together forever.

Maybe just hit delete?????? What to do.....

 

[smogmonster]

I think he is trying to keep the door open but is reluctant to get hurt again. It doesn't sound like he was happy with how things were going, but that he cares about you. It sounds very much like both you and he want a reason not to walk away, but that you have both made up your minds. One of you has to take a chance if you want to stay together. This may be his way of reaching out but keeping himself protected.

I am not sure if he is asking how your healing is going in the context of how it's helping you, or how it might affect him. If it's the latter, he may not be accepting and supportive in a way you need. But everyone has to figure out what they need in a relationship, and it's fair for him to express his needs and move on if he's not getting his needs met.

I don't like this kind of situation myself, but I've learned to accept that my sufferer is not able to go very deep emotionally right now. So, it is what it is, but she's always been clear about her limits, and she hasn't committed and backed out. She's just not committed but not casual, on-and-off, similar to a lot of other relationships where PTSD is involved. It's not easy. Honestly, most of our problems occur because I've tried to push. She has been very patient, considering I've tested her boundaries many times. We've been patient and forgiving with each other.

I'm just sad cos it feels like he abandoned me... When I was emotionally ready to ready work things out for myself and between us, he gave up. Do I even reply??!!

You should let him know this, if you haven't already, and probably even then. You both feel hurt by each other. If you can communicate about this and forgive each other, maybe you can move on and let each other go or try to make it work.

Due to my disassociation, I couldn't even feel anything until the end. Then my true feelings for him flooded - and it was soo wonderful to feel what love was like. He was truly my prince charming. Never met a better guy ever who loved me as I was.

Well, does he love you for who you really are? He may not be able to accept your PTSD, or he may not have the capacity or desire to deal with it and still accepts you all the same. This is always tricky. Everyone has to decide their own boundaries.

He's probably just being honest about how he's been hurt already, but it's up to him to take care of himself first, especially if he's involved with someone with their own issues. What I'm saying is it's fair for him to say it's affected him and he's changed, but you aren't responsible for his feelings nor his own mental health.

 

[Sailorgal]

Thanks Smog....

I never expected him to stay with me and just take it. It's coz I realized what I had with him and also suffering from PTSD. Sadly, I don't recall events being that bad, or at all. So for me, it's like almost a brand new slate when I "woke up." Of course, it's all too real for him.

I'm wanting a real second chance. But as you stated, he deserves to have his needs met as well-which is why I don't blame him.

As for truly loving me, he accepted it but where he couldn't was where it became detrimental. The anger would've been taxing, but now I'm in better control if being able to discuss things rationally which he could handle.

It's hard to say cos I'm in a very different place now...looking back, there were only a couple times I got mad about something legit. We were a great match. All the other times had nothing to do with him. I got scared of getting close so I pushed him away before getting hurt.

Life is already complicating...we don't need more do we?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Sailorgal, you are so positve. I think this will serve you well. You are amazing.

 

[Sailorgal]

<<<Gizmo>>>

You are sooo sweet. I try, I've come a long ways. Thank you for your generous words. Sooo appreciative of you and others here! :)

 

[isis1313]

I have found that the true test of someone's character is during times of stress. There is no doubt he cared for you, if he didn't he wouldn't have sent the email. He just may not be able to handle all that comes with dealing with a significant other with ptsd. Trust that if he could leave now, when things aren't so bad, he will leave againif you get back togethher. He did you a favor, trust me.