Relationship What "you Deserve Better" "i'm Only Going To Break Your Heart" Really Mean?

[ConcreteRose]

I've been contemplating these phrases a lot. I've been told them by different guys over the course of my life and by the sufferer "in" my life. While I've aimply attributed these words to low-self esteem in the past, I'm starting to wonder if it really means something else. Maybe it means I've invested more in the relationship than the other person is willing to invest. Maybe they have some affection towards me and may even possibly love me in some way but they don't feel as strongly about me as I do them. They know they have no intentions of even attempting to step up in anyway to meet me in the relationship. That I don't touch any part of them that makes them desire to strive to be a better person because I'm not "The One" for them. That's not a problem, I'm aware I'm not for everyone. I've seen guys go through hell and high water for what they believe in. So maybe "You deserve better" and "I'm only going to break your heart" also means "I don't believe in "US"". This isn't to discourage anyone in their own relationship but it's just something I've started pondering and I'd like to know what you all think. Is it really JUST low self esteem? Or an easier way of saying "You aren't the one for me"?

 

[Newtoptsd]

My sufferer says this, quite frequently actually! It has to do with his torment and. It wanting to drag me along for the bumpy ride, he said he knows he's up and down and I shouldn't pass up the chance to be with someone 'normal'.

If this came from someone who doesn't suffer from PTSD then I'm sure they would just pretty much cut me out or ween off contact. With my sufferer he says these things but his actions are the opposite of what he's saying vocally. He doesn't cut me out his life, I think he says these things to give me a chance to cut and run if I want to. I haven't cut and run, even when times have been testing, so I'm hoping bit by bit these words will be spoken less. I don't expect them to completely disappear, I'm under no illusion that the next time he's on a low these words will come out his mouth, I just hope they become less frequent the more he sees I'm around and I want to be around.

We all have wobblers where we question people's real feelings for us or not, ptsd or no ptsd it's completely normal. I just usually take a step back try to regain some control and look at all the things he has done to prove those words slightly invalid.

Hugs :hug:

 

[Seasounds]

Is it really JUST low self esteem? Or an easier way of saying "You aren't the one for me"?

For my self-esteem and in the spirit of self-care, when someone else chooses to not be with me, I stick with believing, "You aren't the one for me." Then I turn it another step in my direction and say to myself myself,"I will find someone better suited to me."

I see no benefit in suporting any what I've notions my parents gave me, about 'not deserving' (which was their issue.

Such situations still leave me alone, where I then delve into self-care: developing self-respect, practice veralizing my boundaries, increasing my self-esteem, developing interpersonal awareness and communication skills, and recognize and value my good qualities-that took a while to acknowledge.

I grew up learning how to find my center/value in someone else; now I want to find my center in me.

 

[TheMinsterman]

People in a hard place (through PTSD or anything else) whose self esteem and feelings of self worth are rock bottom can often believe people are better off without them, that they're a burden or at least their condition is. I think if it's very much focused on them it's likely to be mostly mood related, but something like "I don't think WE are right for each other, it isn't going to work" perhaps would be a bit more insightful towards a genuine desire to break up.

 

[PatientFaith]

I have heard my Vet say similar things that @Newtoptsd mentioned, and likewise, his actions and other words suggest otherwise. For example, he gave my grandmother and mother pictures of the two of us for Christmas, and then the next week (for a day) retreated from our relationship. We tried again for a couple weeks, but had another discussion a couple weeks ago because he recognized that he has more healing to do, and baggage that he can get rid of to form a stable foundation for himself for the first time in years. And I'm so proud of him for that! I know it's going to be hard work and I'd do everything I can to help him, but I know a lot of this is internal work he has to do and he cannot handle worrying about me at the same time at this moment.

However, that said, I know it is not personal. The rest of the conversation revolved around he right he thinks I am for him, how he wants to give more and just can't right now, how I calm him down when he's triggered (but when my feelings for him are the trigger, that gets difficult ;)), how our level of trust and communication is something he has never had before and treasures, how great his kids and I get along, and how stress free our relationship is. How he doesn't want to break up or lose me, but he doesn't know what else to do right now. The flip side to this is that he has been hurt tremendously by letting someone in before and is still recovering from that - he knows that I am nothing like her, but he is conditioned to react to protect himself. He is - in his words - fearful right now, confused and conflicted. Add PTSD to from the war the mix and (per him) his self-worth and self-love is terrible. I asked him if he would ever keep a friend around if they said the things about him that he says to himself, and his answer was an immediate and firm "no." It breaks my heart.

I know he's under a lot of stress right now and that lovely cup is running over and his walls have gone back up again. From what I'm learning, this isn't uncommon, but it can be very difficult for everyone involved. As we left that evening, we spoke about still seeing each other and he offered to help fix something on my car in the immediate and if I ever run in to any trouble, he would be there in an instant. I know (again, all his words here) that he cares very deeply for me and wants our relationship to work. He wants to be here, but is hitting a wall and is feels numb in some ways. He seems to be coping and retreating to care for his family, and I don't blame him. He just doesn't know what to do right now to make that happen, so he's starting from the basics and working on himself first and then going on from there. He's given me chances to run before and "doesn't know where I came from", but I'm stubborn and very much in love with him and he knows it. He is worth the wait. While the time spent apart from him hurts, I have been riding solo far longer than I have been in relationships and am quite resilient and happy in my own. But I am a better person with him and choose him. I have run in to him a few times since we stepped back, and each time we have joked around a little and he has never let me leave without a hug. He needs time and space, and I need to respect that.

Based on everything I've learned here and from what he has said and done, I have faith that he will come around once he has had time to process some things. Of course I get afraid sometimes that it won't happen and this will become permanent change in relationship status...but my intuition says otherwise. And unless he pushes me entirely out of his life (and even if he does), I will love and support him unconditionally in whatever capacity I can. He is a wonderful man. Right now, I'm his cheerleader and lighthouse. I'm here, he knows it, and I'm not going anywhere. I'm thrilled that he's taking the steps to take care of himself, and I will be strong and take care of myself in the mean time.

Sorry, I tend to be long-winded! And I'm sure that this varies from relationship to relationship, this is just my situation :)

Hugs to all of you.

 

[Newtoptsd]

This is such a lovely read @PatientFaith my situation is pretty similar however I feel like we've had a fair few more bumps in the road. We've never been official yet he 'breaks-up' with me a fair bit. I have never pressured him into more than anything he feels capable of, I understand when he bails on plans and I've been a support throughout his therapy.

He shut me out this past week so he could work on healing and I didn't bombard him with contact as I figured he needed a chance to work on himself without me as an added stress. He contacted me on Thursday eve and apologised and said he wasn't feeling right. Like you I have been by myself more than I have been in relationships so I am quite content by myself, yet he seems to jump to conclusions and almost speak for me when he says 'I can't give you what you want, you need someone better, someone who can always be there for you' etc. Yet those are never things I've professed to have a problem with and I've never once told him I want anything from him other than his friendship when he is capable of doing so.

You sound like a wonderful wonderful supporter and I wish sometimes when I do have a mini insecurity breakdown that I could be more level headed like you.

Keep it up, you're doing the best thing for you SO and I hope karma shines you both a beautiful and blossoming relationship in the future x

 

[PatientFaith]

@Newtoptsd level headed in the moment maybe, but I definitely have my teary-eyed and snot nosed moments. Today has had a small one despite having a good, but short, time together yesterday. I'm just trying to remember that my intent is out there in the universe and he knows that I'm here for him while he goes on this journey. But I'm such a dork - I have a playlist for my current mindset with songs about leaving it in their hands and being patient while someone does some navigating in their own life. It helps keep me going in the tough moments and reminds me that I need to be patient and strong, let things unfold, stay positive, and to not give up even if things get rough. One of them involved having something covered in snow for the winter and blooming in spring when timing is right. Totally appropriate for the weather here right now!

I admire you, too. Your patience and support shines through. I've been the same with mine, always going at his pace. This is something new we encountered, and he said at one point "welcome to the roller coaster," to which I told him I love those and aren't getting off any time soon willingly. I've also been giving space, but we go to the same gym and I have run in to him a couple times now, but have not said anything outside of those interactions, which is difficult because we saw each other almost daily for the last 5 months. Mine also has a tendency to put words that he expectes to hear from me in my mouth, though they are almost always opposite from what he thinks.

I wish you the best as well, and these wonderful men. They deserve all the love in the world, and I hope they are able to reach a place in their hearts and minds to allow it to be revcieved as we intend.

 

[ConcreteRose]

My sufferer says this, quite frequently actually! It has to do with his torment and. It wanting to dr...

Mines always disappears and

@Newtoptsd level headed in the moment maybe, but I definitely have my teary-eye...

I find the sufferer in my life apologizing for "the roller coaster" quite often. It seems like we always gravitate back to each other. I guess the scary part is having to fix my mind to accept that the "last time" is actually the last time. We've been out of contact for 2 1/2 weeks but I have no clue if it will be for a month, a year or for good this time. It came without warning, it always does.

 

[grimalkin]

Ugh. Now that I'm on the tail end of our relationship - he said it when we first got together, that he'd only break my heart. But, as we got to know each other, he said he was in it no matter what, and he wouldn't run from our relationship.

The complex PTSD diagnosis from childhood trauma didn't come until the last six months or so. Or, well, he at least didn't admit it.

Now it's very much in the forefront. Unfortunately, because of no diagnosis (and his habit of making new information be retro-active...so because he's had this all along, even without a diagnosis, I should have behaved differently all along), things I have done and said have now become unforgivable. And, even though our most recent crisis and triggers he admits wouldn't have happened if he has adequately dealt with his trauma (or, like, at all), because he was hurt by what I did and said, it's all my fault.

It's still clear he's in crisis mode. Unfortunately, it's also clear I haven't been the best spouse. So, I let him push me away, because right now we "both deserve better," and "we've hurt each other too deeply." And really, I have no choice.

I have to watch the man I love tell me he doesn't love me, I've done and said awful things (which weren't awful until three weeks ago, but now it's all bad, always was), and he can't forgive me, while he makes plans to run away (by traveling as much as he can...I know him. This won't go well), and is giving away any of his previously-valued possessions, that would make whatever apartment he ends up in, his home.

Anyway, I never thought heartbreak was physical pain, but it sure is. Unfortunately, a lot of times, when they say they'll just hurt you, it's because there will be pain, whether from them pushing and pulling constantly, or because you have to watch them suffer yourself. Or both. For me, both.