Sexual Assault What's Bothering Me

[Nicolette]

As I have written, and Anthony thinks, I don't really have any issues in relation to sexual abuse.

Then I just read this.....

This is why I tell anyone surrounding trauma, DON'T leave anything out. There is no such thing as too much information, and often its the information held back that is the key to identify the exact issue so solutions can be presented for the true root of the problem vs. half arsed stabs using pieces of the puzzle, not the full picture.

Ok....here goes spilling my guts............

Most of the things which happened over the years I have processed. Sometimes I read things on here and then put vivid pictures in my mind and I feel creepy.

Last May (2010) I was inappropriately treated by an Osteopath in a country town we were visiting. I cried for 24 hours after it happened and even though it was mainly words and a dirty old man it was that one more cut that just went too deep.

Anthony was understanding to a point but didn't see it to big such a big deal not knowing all of my past (guess he never will) but it was so different in that I could actually process my feelings (bawl my eyes out) versus the standard practice of shoving it down. I still don't know if this was good or bad as while Anthony tried to be understanding I don't think he got it. I can associate it to me trying to understand his PTSD....I get the facts but not his emotional side of it..... like he didn't get why I was so upset by it all. Yes, I knew that if that man had touched me Anthony would have gone in and killed him but the words still cut as much as the physical.

I took this Osteopath to his Pracitioners Board and he was reprimanded. The problem is since then I feel defeated with sex......just blah! I get sexually attracted and turned on but I feel like I have lost my spirit. I don't know if it is that this situation tipped me over the edge to being diagnosed with PTSD, I don't know if it's the medication I am on but its like a part of me has gone numb again (perhaps trying to protect myself) as if anything ever happens again it will push me over the edge.....the cup is way too full.

Don't know how to figure this one out but sometimes I feel like a failure as my sex drive has diminished and I need to find it again. I feel like I'm failing as a wife when I hear the starfish comment (not all the time - so as not to over dramatize) but I just an empty right now. :confused:

 

[cherryblossom]

:hug:Nicolette, you are not a failure, not as a wife, or a business woman, a carer, and a very strong lady.

You are amazing, and strong, and compassionate. Please take into consideration that you have been physically ill for weeks now. And you have been working hard, and dealing with 'the ex'. I'm not suprised you don't feel like sex! Give yourself a break, wait till you're physically well, and then see if there is still an issue.

 

[Crusoe]

I can totally echo what CB has said hun. In fact I see you as being at a point in your healing which I should aspire to (I'm not brown nosing here - I mean it). Maybe you are having trouble dealing with the event you mention but it shows strength and determination that you have talked about everything so openly here. I don't believe that strength and determination is a trait you show in one area of your life but not in another so I can't see you as a failure as a wife nor in any other capacity. Just wanted you to know that I hear and feel what you are saying. Massive hugs to you.:affection:

 

[WonderingWhy]

Nicolette,
Here are some well deserved hugs.:hug::hug::hug::hug:
I actually find it surprising to hear YOU doubt yourself. You have made so much progress. Remember PTSD NEVER goes away. Of all the people I know, you are the most "healed" I know. Like others have pointed out, not only did this incident "injure" you, but you have been sick for a long time now. Whether it was verbal or physical that jerk hurt you. That takes time to feel better from. When someone that is 100% never injured is different than someone who has been hurt multiple times. Just like if someone repeatedly breaks their arm each time it will become more fragile.
I hope this makes some sense. I haven't been responding recently because I have been so stressed I can barely think straight. I hope I helped some.

 

[Nicolette]

I replied to this before but I think it got lost with the server issue.

Sorry to hear you are stressed WW and yes you have helped. I even quoted what you said in another post elsewhere today.

Take care WW :thankyou: