What's Keeping You Alive?

[nie]

My daughter.

 

[externalsmile]

Cupcakes. If I was dead then I couldn't eat cupcakes.

And I suppose I should give the love of my fantastic friends some credit too.

 

[anni]

What's keeping me alive? Tracking down that stupid dam skunk. Plus, if I died today I'd have to die all over again when they came for what was left of me and smelled this house. You grab onto what you have at the moment and at least there's a skunk to be mad at. The other one died a long time ago.

The 11 year old will be home soon, with something which happened at school that will make me laugh. He does it 100 percent of the time, too. That's the real thing which is keeping the whole thing ticking over at the moment.

 

[anni]

I love cupcakes, too! I've been distracting myself from this pain by fooling around with them lately so here's some for you, ESmile. :) WHAT a good reason to be here, Cupcakes.

 

[externalsmile]

I just tried to eat the computer screen. Gee thanks. Now people are going to think I am a mental case.

I really need to try make them myself. I keep buying them but it doesn't agree with my gluten intolerance.

 

[Jade-]

My job. It may not be the greatest and I may not make alot of money, but at least I have a purpose.

 

[Jawn]

I'm sure you are darn good at your job too Jade.

Jawn

 

[externalsmile]

Hope.

As in the hope that I can get something positive out of this bad situation. Even if it is for others and not for me. That gives me hope that life is worth living.

 

[Grace11]

Now, faith that I am strong enough to get through this and that I deserve happiness. When I lacked that faith, it was my family and my friends. I wouldn't ever want to hurt them by hurting myself. They've been through enough with me already.

 

[Grace11]

I feel like I should add something in case anyone who felt as crappy as I have felt in the past reads this. My mind makes strange leaps now that no one except my therapist and best friend can follow when I try to express my thoughts verbally (because they know me that well).

My faith in myself is growing as I am learning to love myself again. It was not there for a while after my trauma. I don't know if I could have started to redevelop my faith in my own strength if I had not developed patience. I never had patience before so this is (I wrote "was," then deleted it) hard. None for myself, especially; but for others, too. I am learning patience and acceptance. Learning not to be judgmental. I had the coin flipped on me and it definitely changed me.

Explanation done. Hopefully comprehensible.

 

[Elphaba]

My puppy.

 

[Elphaba]

My puppy.

I meant to say my puppy and my job. I can disappear into my job. And my puppy - well, she is too darn cute, I don't have the heart to quit on her.