What's The Point Bettering Yourself If It Just Means More To Regret?

[Ijoge]

Now it's getting to the point where if one of those people who rejected me were to ask, "What do you do?" I might be able to tell them without them recoiling in disgust.

Bona, whatever the last fake name was... heteci, i think.... It's 2am. This is the most coherent I am at night.

The point being. I work in a lower status job than I used to, and was certainly never as far up the ladder as I could have been in the field of medicine.

Some of the things I have seen, and the stories I've been told from Dr's, nurses and other medics. Could make, and have made people vomit.

During my short career, I have personally been covered in vomit, blood, shit, piss, snot, puss, awful (not the descriptor, I mean entrails.) Oh and let's not forget, semen. Believe it or not the nasal mucous was the thing that grossed me out the worst.

Being EMS taught me a few other things as well. Uncivilised behaviour does not abide class.

Lower class people:

• Drink drive
• Abuse substances, up to and including drinking isopropyl alcohol, lysol, vo5 hot oil.
• Beat their spouses and or children
• Rape their children
• Rape other peoples children
• Die in undignified ways
• Shit themselves when scared
• Become so large to be bedbound with no one to care for or about them literally living in a pool of their own rotting waste. Surrounded by mountains of garbage and bugs.
• Commit suicide when they can't handle life anymore.
• Cry when any of the above happen to those close to them.

Upper class people:

• Do everything I listed above, just in a bigger house or nicer car.

You don't want a lecture or guilt trip. Fine. That's neither, just facts of life. Feel about it any way that suits you.

What then do you want? I can't figure it out.

and I know these people don't want me here.

Then why are you trying to ingratiate yourself to them?

You chose to not answer my last question. That's fine. But I don't understand why you are upset when no one knows how to respond to your post?

You say you didn't want to bash lower class people because you are one. Or, were one. Ok

You seem fixated on the golden chalice of upper-class living, but seem to think it's beyond you. Ok

What sort of response were you hoping to achieve here?

Again serious question, not annoyed. I am at a loss for what you want though.

Oh, I'm Neverthesame, by the way.

 

[kari]

What sort of response were you hoping to achieve here?

I don't know what kind of response I wanted. I don't typically post knowing exactly what kind of response I'd like. The post is really about my past, my trauma history. and how it continues to haunt me. If you can speak to that, I might appreciate what you have to say.

 

[Hogeja]

The post is really about my past, my trauma history. and how it continues to haunt me.

I know I've asked you specifically, to elaborate on what that is. All you have said is that you are from a low class area. That you grew up seeing hookers and dope fiends on your street.

I don't want grisly details, really. But I can't read between lines that vague.

Just to be sure I'm not being a total idiot, I went back and re-read every post you made in this thread, twice.

I can't empathise with a trauma when I don't have even a vague idea what it is. Sorry.

 

[Tatiz]

^Neverthesame again.

 

[kari]

I don't want grisly details, really.

Protesting too much?

The details I gave already imply growing up scorned, humiliated, rejected, and stepped over like trash. If you don't know why those things are traumatic, I really can't help you.

 

[Acon]

Neverthesame again.

If you don't know why those things are traumatic, I really can't help you.

Fair enough. Nor I you.

Thank you for clarifying. I sincerely hope you do find the answers you're looking for.

I wish you the best of luck, along with hope you can learn to feel happy in your successes.
Take care.

 

[Vapa]

The best I feel about myself when with other people is when I'm feeling good about myself. I have been an addictive person in my life and when I was active I felt ashamed wherever I went.
I still regret my years of being an active addict, but I am far enough away from them to feel I am not close to that time any more. I can look back and it feels like a different person . But yes, still regret.
Are you still living out parts of the past that cause you to feel shame?
If so, the answer to feeling ok about yourself lies in being congruent - living in a way that honours you and others.
You should feel proud that you have bettered yourself in what sounds like hard conditions.
The people I really admire are the ones who came from nothing and dreamed big and aimed high.
It's inspiring!
Maybe you're just getting used to s new reality and not comfortable yet.
Chsnge is hard - even good change!

 

[Mufike]

Maybe you should start with letting go of the self judgment?

 

[Zimoso]

The harshness shown toward @Kari by some in this thread is NOT actually about @Kari.

The people that were harsh are responding to internal conflict which they have inside themselves.....but instead of facing those feelings/issues they have projected outward at @Kari.

This is a well-known phenomenon but it can be hard to see in the heat-of-the-moment.

Will you ask yourself "What am I avoiding inside as I read @Kari's posts??"

Only you can decide if you want to grow.

Peace:)

 

[Poga]

I'm avoiding believing that people really think like this to be honest.
It really depresses me..

 

[Nizogav]

I sort of wish I hadn't made the class remark in the original post. I've gotten little advice on the problem of increase...

I'm sorry this thread took a wrong turn. I completely understand and relate to what you are saying. 20 yrs ago I left high school and essentially followed a cult like person and endured horrible and degrading abuse. With lots of dark twists and turns I managed to get out, finish college and grad school, move to a very wealthy area get married have kids and a career etc. when I finally stopped suppressing all that had happened to me (because of my stupid decision as a 15 yr old) I felt like a complete fraud in my new life. Overwhelming disgust for the past. The past seemed so much more revolting from this adult/'higher class' perspective. I felt like a fraud and a liar and if anyone knew the real me they would be disgusted. It's been about a year since this awakening and I finally feel better about my status. I'm just convinced my past makes me more interesting, not more shameful. I suppose it was therapy that helped but probably just time sitting in my beautiful life while feeling my wretched past and realizing the past is not here anymore unless I let it be.

It's important to remember all the highly successful people that come from terrible poverty and abuse and drugs. There are many of them. Mostly society looks at them with awe and respect, not shame and disgust.

Be good to yourself. It sounds like you are on a healthy path. Don't go back to the dark side just because it's familiar. Be brave and keep doing the unfamiliar.

 

[kari]

Thank you for this post, Nizogav. It wasn't my intention to offend anyone.

It's important to remember all the highly successful people that come from terrible poverty and abuse and drugs. There are many of them. Mostly society looks at them with awe and respect, not shame and disgust.

I can see some truth in this. But if you look at how the gatekeepers of high class circles (they're all gatekeepers--who are we kidding?) operate, you'll notice something interesting. I've heard real accounts from people who grew up poor, studied hard, and got into elite universities. They had the same SAT scores/GPAs, etc., but their privileged classmates would find sneaky ways to exclude them. On the other hand, a trust fund baby who does literally nothing will get in just because of where they're from and who their parents are.

"Nouveau riche" is not a phrase normally uttered with awe and respect.

Also, doesn't it seem like even if someone from poverty makes it, if they really behave like a rich person, they're perceived as "putting on" or "faking it," whereas if someone born into it does the same, it's seen as their right?

I don't know, maybe at the Andrew Carnegie level the awe and respect kicks in.