Relationship When A Carer Gets Therapy-Did You Tell Your Sufferer?

[ISupportHer]

I gave it a try to help me cope. To try to gain some way to re-channel my thought process and reactions. I did tell my wife and actually tried to share a lot of what went on. Tried to model my behavior so that maybe she would feel she could share some with me.

Didn't work, by the way. :smile:

ISH

 

[Tinyflame]

ISH- Maybe didn't work yet.

Undoubtedly didn't add to her stress and probably helped/ helps her feel calmer.

 

[Nicolette]

Maybe not being able to model behaviour is not totally about not sharing but also personality. I talk to the cows come home about most things whereas Anthony is like the secret service unless he is interested in the topic.

At a guess, if therapy is a struggle then possibly it may be stressful in sharing let alone processing what surfaced in threapy.

 

[jenkins123]

Thanks to all for still sharing your stories about therapy.

I know it's too soon for me to even contemplate therapy to support as technically I am no longer in the relationship.However, I am still struggling a lot with the non contact. I sway a lot between respectful non contact, and wanting to email and convince him to just consider the fact that maybe the ptsd has influenced him walking away from a person he said he loved. My (probably terrible) thinking is that if he can at least consider it MAY be a factor, it may open a communication door.

 

[ISupportHer]

I guess I meant that it didn't work in two ways. Didn't really go into detail.

For me, the therapy didn't work. Probably some ownership in it myself too, but I just did not feel the connection with either therapists or that what they said was helpful. One kept making frowning faces that annoyed me, LOL.

And then the modeling. It's not as simple as me opening up and her magically being able to also just because of that. But it can help. The other thing is that if I get upset that literally "it didn't work", that is as much about me and MY response as it is about her.

ISH

 

[Dougal]

Hi Jenkins,

Speaking from my own experience, I appreciate now some of the people who nudged me when I wasn't well. I didn't necessarily appreciate it at the time. I seem to recall feeling that it was intrusive. Unfortunately they became the focus of some of my distorted thinking. And I think this might link back to my readiness to receive their support.

Now that I am back in the world of the living, relationships are important. They keep me engaged in the present. Some of the people I rejected are no longer around. No blame here. I think I covered my thoughts on rudeness and PTSD in an earlier post.

I am grateful for the people who kept me in view. There was no pressure from me to engage with them 'til they saw my readiness. They knew where I was and watched from a distance. So "loitering with intent" might be a more productive option right now than direct contact.

Again, I am speaking to my experience and suggesting this as an option. I had a few friends like you whose tenaciousness has been such a gift to me. I opened this gift graciously when I was ready. Take care.
CM

 

[jenkins123]

Hi Charlotte
While I am very aware that I am still more grateful for what I "want" to hear than what I don't, I really do listen to every opinion given here. That said, I loved your phrase "loitering with intent" and hope I can learn how to do it carefully and respectfully (i.e. how much time to give before saying hello and how much to say) rather than intrusively. Thank you.

 

[Dougal]

Hi Jenkins,

It is wonderful to receive a response from you. I really enjoy your perspective. It is so hard to give a timeframe regarding how long to wait. Suffice to say that it was for me trial and error. Or so I am told. So try something. If you get a negative response, wait a bit and try again. You might need to tone down whatever it is you've been doing. It is so individual.

I was diagnosed in 2005. I am just getting back on track. There are many days I do not meet the criteria for PTSD. There are days I do. As you know this is such a chronic condition. So depending on the symptoms, some days I am delighted with the support of friends. Other days I am not.

When I was first diagnosed, and in an effort to help me understand how this condition had impacted me, the psychiatrist I see described PTSD as a social wound. So many of my symptoms fell in the range of social skills. It has taken some time for me to regain these skills, some as basic as learning how to communicate again.

I sure wish there was a quick fix. I can only imagine how from your end this process seems so slow. Hang in there.

CM

 

[jenkins123]

Hi Charlotte
I really appreciate your viewpoint too. Today is a tricky day in my loitering. I have itchy fingers and too much intent! My apology (yes I sent it a couple of weeks ago) received no response, and I'd say it's been a month since I've heard from him at all. Many may come in here now and tell me I'm selfish for having emailed at all but I had to say sorry as I felt he was justified in his stress and anger level at my overcommunication. No response can mean many things. Still ptsd stressed and needs more space, or doesn't care for me anymore. Both, I guess, require no contact from me, so why is it so hard to not contact! Because if it's the former I want to tone down and say "I'm here when you are ready". I know I shouldn't though. Tough patience day...

 

[Dougal]

Hi Jenkins 123,

I suspect you have addressed what you have referred to as the former issue. By the sounds of things you took responsibility for your over communication and apologised. This seems to me to be a sensitive response on your part and a gentle way of saying "Hi, I'm here". He knows you are there.

If you are worried about holding back, consider some counselling for yourself. Self-care be it carer, sufferer, or concerned other is always a good idea. Sometimes the perspective of someone not attached to the situation can be helpful.

Hang in there.

CM

 

[ISupportHer]

Well, I called and made an appointment for myself. Will try a different TH this time.

Didn't want to keep it from my wife so I did tell her. Later she said she was sorry she is making it hard for me. I tried to explain it was more a preventive thing for me but she feels she is the cause of me going so....Sigh. Can't win, LOL

ISH

 

[Jawn]

I hope it helps you ISH. I know it has helped me a lot.

Jawn