• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

When a friend doesn’t respond

Status
Not open for further replies.
I am a learner still and having a major pride factor, which means there is great insecurity.

If people dont get in touch with me, I cut them off completely. A part of me thinks “ huh they should be greatful that I take time to get in touch with them“. This means I have no friends. Still learning and making baby steps.
 
Use the phone for its original purpose: CALL.
Stupid electrons get lost.
Or better yet, go visit in person and remove all doubt.

This triggered me because I thought, “Oh I AM supposed to do that!”

. If they need help they have to ask like everyone else does.

But this helped me cope with the trigger, because I thought, “That’s right!” I do realize that it depends on how close the relationship is.

That might depend on what they're not responding to. If they don't respond to a direct question, that's one thing.

Do you have other reasons to doubt the relationship?

It was in response to asking when we might want to go out. I suggested a date that was a week out. She never responded. I am left to wonder why but if she had feelings about it and she’s keeping them to herself, that’s on her. It’s not for me to ask what’s wrong.

We met through our kids almost ten years ago. Kids lost touch but we kept in touch sporadically. We got together about a month or so ago—had a great time—did feel connected, but also there was a lot of fawning over each other’s growth and progress—when I reflect on the experience I remember her giving me a lot of advice, and we were glowing—but... was it real?

She is an enabler I think. Her husband and father are alcoholics. So I’m probably recreating my relationship with my mom with her.

I can let her contact me if she wants. I can be big. I can be strong. I am those things. I have lots to offer and people are letting me know that more and more.
 
Another thought could be just a crappy phone. One of my besties is hell on her phones. She goes through about 4 a year and no idea why...they just stop working. I've learned that if I don't hear back I need to send her another one because chances are the first one didn't make it. Plus she has a huge herd of kids who blow up her phone on a regular basis so it's easy for messages to get lost
 
Yes, I think it would be a good idea to at least give the benefit of the doubt a few times? Watch for patterns? I’m not paranoid, just trying to figure it out. I know there’s not one right way, and different ways can be tried out. It probably also involves noticing my feelings, that’s how social behavior works, lol. Thinking is only part of it.
 
Yes it's on them... I think as a friend they should support you, encourage you... Pick you up . Not put you down. Only you can decide if a friend is good for you, but if they don't respond Wait awhile. Then remember it's there loss ..
 
Oh my goodness... this universe!

So, today for the first time in my life I changed the oil in my own car! Yesterday I went to the car store and *talked* (instead of doing everything on my own) to a female worker about what I needed, and she was so helpful and I transferred or felt that she was proud of me when I checked out—I swear she gave me a “good girl!” look as we parted.

Today I proudly brought back my used oil to dispose. In order to do so it is required to leave one’s name and address. On the line just above where I wrote my name was my friend’s name that I’ve been thinking about, the one who dropped my text and inspired this thread! Her husband is a grease monkey with a bunch of cars, so she was likely dropping it off for him.

I felt a little happy feeling when I saw her name. I wanted to take a picture of it and text her immediately, but I knew that would be wrong and awkward for the customer service rep if I did that. I wanted to text her immediately anyway, like fate made it possible for us to reconnect.

But for the first time in my life I feel apprehensive about a serendipitous event! Like, a coincidence does not excuse behavior. A coincidence doesn’t make a friendship. Feelings, and honesty, and sharing make friendships and help people understand behavior, not magic, not vibes, not energy.

So I’m going to sit with this feeling for a while. Part of me still wants to reach out to her. Why am I resisting? Because I feel like I deserve openness, forthright, clarity. I want to know if I’m worthy of waiting for it.
 
If I don’t feel comfortable drawing out a reluctant part of someone I call friend, then what is a friend?

A victim does not speak and expects others to draw out what’s wrong.

I had to learn to draw it out of myself, to be my own advocate. Does that mean I won’t speak up for myself when I feel confused about a relationship? Or does that make it easier for me to let go of friendships that are not serving me? Are my friends serving me? Should they? They should support me, yes. But why should they? Because of my charm or words? Of course not. If I have served them. How do I serve them? By giving them space? By letting them be their own person? Their own advocate? But where does the friending come in? I’ve gotten myself into a heap of knots. Let me guess, overthinking?

Sigh. Can’t perfectionize friendship. It sort of just happens, but some tools make it easier to stay attached. That’s a focus at the moment in therapy, how do I earn secure attachment. Reciprocity, I think. Openness. But also a certain level of availability. That’s a new concept and I’m feeling lots of resistance and internal clatter over it. Gonna sit with it for a while. Gotta go shear sheep. That might help work some of this out.
 
Okay, this friend texted me out of the blue today, when I was starting therapy session!

I responded a few hours later. I already think I did it wrong, not saying things right. I’m pretty sure that she will not respond again.

Why do I do this to myself? I already know that she’s alcoholic, and so is her husband and so is her dad. What am I trying to prove to myself? I am recreating my relationship with my mother—projecting sh*t. If I want to have a real friendship it has to have conversations about what to do when texts drop? I have to be able to talk about my fears? Facepalming myself. I’m sure I wrote the wrong thing. I said I had no money, which is true, but that makes me look like a (judgment) baby. I said I had no money so she has to pay or else we have to do something free. I said that. I’m such a jerk! I didn’t have to talk like that! Whatever! I’m figuring it out. Ugh! Sigh. I don’t know what I want. I feel so small.
 
Okay, this friend texted me out of the blue today, when I was starting therapy session!

I res...
my friends and I talk this way all the time. I have some friends who were well off who are barely not homeless and some who are rolling in the dough. We text about doing stuff, and people have to say exactly what you say! I've said it, etc. there is nothing wrong with this in the friend department. Now if you said this to a potential client and were taking them out for lunch or brunch, uh, yeah that wouldn't be very professional.
 
Thank you. I feel so dumb, but I need to understand why. Why am I sabotaging myself? Why can’t I just let it be? Why am I making it to be so big? I think it’s because I’m finally noticing friendship and how badly I’ve been isolating.

I need to be strong. I can not be afraid that I won’t have friends. I have to focus on what I do have. I can’t keep hiding. I have to make these things happen and focus on what works. This should be motivation for me to reach out even more! I can think of three people right off the bat who I said I wanted to meet up with over four weeks ago! Have I messaged them yet? No! Let this be my motivation to reach out more... Trust yourself. Trust your heart. Trust your soul. You can do it. This one person you are struggling with is not the only person in the world. You are so much bigger than this. Friendship should support your life not be a duty or a tragedy or a hardship. Keep it light. Keep moving. You are beautiful. You are okay. Whatever happens, it’s learning, don’t give up on everyone else because of this, because of breaking out of old patterns. Keep it loose, keep it open, you will get there.
 
I understand all of this somehow, though I have no answers. I'm even dealing with similar issues right now myself and so much of it is just pure insecurity and fear of vulnerability. someone I haven't seen in 30 years reached out to me and they will be staying less than a mile from my home. But because of my insecurity I will meet them at a cafe instead of inviting them to my home. I want to invite them in, I do have people in, but there is such a feeling of needing to keep everything "buttoned up" or "safe" from outsiders, it's a terrible feeling really. I stopped at a co-workers house today for an hour it was so casual and open and loose as you say. I can't seem to be open and loose with my own home; so weird.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top