When a friend doesn’t respond

[Rose White]

Well, she did respond. So yay I can feel dumb no matter what.

What?! No! You’re not dumb! You are trying to figure it out!

The hard way it seems! But anyway... she responded positively.

Geez, one reason I feel dumb is for doing a play by play of a dang text message on here. Can I not handle it?

Stop, it’s okay! You got support. You asked for it and got it! No one thinks you’re dumb and you are insulting people who responded to you because they don’t want to respond to someone being dumb!

Ok, I’m sorry. I do feel shame. But that is unnecessary!

I do think, that if I meet with her, I really really really hope I can talk about the text situation. Because if someone doesn’t respond for four weeks it makes me nervous and I want to know what goes through her head and if she wants me to reach out to her? That is a perfectly acceptable conversation to have with a friend, right? Of course it is! I can do this.

 

[blackemerald1]

That is a perfectly acceptable conversation to have with a friend, right?

You are entitled to have that conversation and have that clarity so you know how to proceed in the future.

Look I think with texting, emails, etc., etc., a LOT gets LOST in the conversation and there is a huge amount of misunderstanding regarding the current 'etiquette' of texting etc.,

I don't think any of what you wrote in your posts was dumb or unnecessary. I don't think you over thought it.

Eg. If I posted (by envelope & stamp) an invitation for lunch or whatever to a friend. If I was ignored for several weeks I would be wondering if it got lost in the post.... or did the person ignore it on purpose or is the person dead? I'd be wondering all sorts of things. It's not that hard to respond to a text or make a quick call to politely decline... whatever....

So I would be wanting clarity (but not necessarily getting an undertaking for her not to do it again) - about what happened to the text you sent. If she is a 'serial offender' regarding texts then maybe you need to reconsider texting her as opposed to calling her. If she cannot take your calls then she's a lot of work and maybe some consideration needs to be given about the friendship.

It was only about lunch for heavens sake. What was the problem with letting you know....

 

[Rose White]

@blackemerald1 thank you. I appreciate your examples and point of view.

This is helping me see my own texting and email shortcomings. I believe I lost friends from dropping the connections. So the only friends that stayed with me through my isolation were those who behaved similarly.

Relationships mirror—I see that. I’m only now in my life making efforts to escape enabling and do things for myself. I see how as I begin to become stronger it reinforces that strength in my relationships as well.

Such a slow process! I know I’ve come far. It took so long to get to the point in my marriage where I can say no and assert myself. Okay, not that long, almost a year, but we are still progressing and have much more to go.

During that year I also developed some anger toward my abuser, which seemed impossible a year ago.

I also became aware of how to look for clues that friends and acquaintances are self-centered, or close-minded, or manipulative.

Now I’m trying to develop the friendships that are meaningful and it feels so slow and also I feel resistance inside myself.

This friend is an old friend, which is kind of a red flag because I don’t trust my past self’s judgment. I already said she’s an alcoholic, should be a red flag, but I’m also fighting addiction demons. I also finally realized the biggest red flag of all is that she constantly hands out advice. Imagine happy drunk—“What you need to do is this...” etc, etc, etc.

I’m trying to convince myself not to be her friend, and yet, a part of me adores her. I really think it is a daughter part and I’m seeing that in other past friendships that were one-sided.

I suppose it’s good to see it. Maybe that can help me monitor the daughter part. So I can hold my own part and tell her I love her, so she won’t search for and latch onto a rescuer.

 

[blackemerald1]

I think just keep your adoration etc., for this friend measured. For your own sake. You seem to have some really good insights into what are the danger areas for you are and the type of characteristics your friend has.

If you share addiction issues and you are now no longer a drinker...how does that work for you? I know it can work really well for a lot of people, they just don't drink and no problem with anyone drinking around them.

she constantly hands out advice.

Accept and ignore?

I suppose I have left behind almost all of my old friends or they left me behind. Not sure which anymore but it doesn't matter. I have grown up and had to face a lot more than they did, long before they did and my take on the world is therefore inevitably altered.

I feel like you would like to leave this friend behind but for now you cannot. That is ok - but be careful - protect the daughter part.

 

[Rose White]

@blackemerald1 that is good insight. You can see the unbalanced nature, especially how my daughter part is searching for validation.

It is actually heartening to read about how you have lost old friends or they lost you due to your own growth and maturity. I see that as inevitable for me. As I reach out to old friends I feel like shells of them or me are peeling off, revealing truths or qualities that I hadn’t noticed before. It’s kind of jarring. I keep thinking, there are lots and lots of people in the world, don’t be afraid about meeting new ones, you can.

I really appreciate how you said to be careful with the daughter part. I am just beginning to become aware of how to do that, versus taking care of my whole self.

 

[blackemerald1]

I keep thinking, there are lots and lots of people in the world, don’t be afraid about meeting new ones, you can.

I agree with you ^^^^Remind yourself of this over and over. And take opportunities as they come or seek out new places that feel good to you. You may surprise yourself with how liked and respected you really truly are.

 

[katz]

I have a friend that I have had since grade school, thru school, thru church and even lots of common friends. She very rarely calls me, but is always there for me if I need her. We have gone long times between visits or phone calls, but she is still one of the friends that I trust the most. She has seen me at my best and at my worst (I mean things that no one should ever see!) Yet, she still is an important part of my life and always will be. My point being that she has never been one to call me very often. I have just accepted that it is the way "we" are.

I know that she loves me and accepts me and I accept her in the way she is.

 

[blackemerald1]

Hey @katz that's a good solid friendship you have there. Honestly I envy you. My (?) friends in the real world...all want to judge me or need something from me. That is hard to accept. I am a useful person to know until I am no longer useful. I try very hard to break away from that dynamic but it seems to have this habit of repeating itself. So...I have left behind a lot of people. Well those that didn't dump me first that is. Bit like the rats and the sinking ship.:oops::rolleyes::roflmao:

 

[Rose White]

@katz thank you, I understand that perspective. Anyone who stayed friends with me over the years understands that I tend to drop off for a while but they don’t take it personally. I hadn’t ever questioned that until beginning recovery a year ago, and now I’m curious about having friends that I feel comfortable meeting with on a more frequent basis.

@blackemerald1 that sounds difficult, but also like you are transitioning away from old ways of relating, which is great progress! I’m starting to feel more comfortable with letting go. My therapist said that when she finally got rid of some friends who weren’t nice new ones showed up, and I could sense the possibility of that happening for me as well.

I haven’t met up with this friend yet. She dropped the text again, but it doesn’t bother me. I realized that while I was parentifying her, she was also parentifying me by wanting me to pull her out of her silence. I realize that some friendships might involve mothering each other, but for now I don’t feel like we have that, so if she can’t respond to me, I actually feel okay because it feels kind of like clarity. I do think that a certain amount of mothering is okay for friendships, but I’m just becoming aware of this phenomenon, and exploring it.

 

[katz]

Believe it or not, I have some other "friends" from way back then. They were in the "same group" as the two of us. I never hear from any of them. There was one in particular that I really looked forward to seeing recently. She was my maid of honor at my wedding, so many years ago. I was very curious about how she would treat me, and how I would feel around her. When I saw her, I felt no connection anymore. I decided that she was just not going to be part of my future. I had satisfied my own curiosity about my feelings and just left it at that. I will no longer try to contact her because I have no need for it for myself or my feelings.

Don't get me wrong - if she were to show up on my doorstep, I would welcome her, with a hug. I just won't go out and look for her for myself. I have decided that I'm okay with out her as part of my life.

 

[Rose White]

I had a shift and wanted to update. She didn't respond from the last text and I just kind of let it lie. I stopped drinking in the meantime, which is what we were going to meet to do. But I also had a breakthrough with my emotional healing and am feeling much more stable about who I am. I have been feeling more self compassion, more self love, more belonging in the world. And I've been feeling like I belong in my body. One of my self care shortcomings was not getting haircuts often enough. I'm female, so it's not a big deal, but it's okay to go more than once a year. This friend cuts hair for a living and last time we saw each other she said she likes to pamper her friends. You know I've had a hard time receiving care from anyone (thank you ptsd), but with my new breakthrough I'm becoming more receptive and also more brave about reaching out.

So... I texted her yesterday and said, "I need some pampering. Can I get a haircut some time soon?" And she responded today very positively, offering two possible appointment times and I picked one and it's set! I'm taking care of my needs while reaching out. I know that friends want to help, they like to help, they like to give complements. Now that I'm starting to talk positively to myself in the mirror (huge step), it feels easier to receive positive messages from others, and easier to reach out.

 

[New]

This is great @Searching4Self ! I am so happy for you.