When Are You Supposed To Feel Better?

[Ladyghosthunter]

It seems when I go to the therapist, I only seem to get worse and I'm not a good speaker although a halfway decent writer (or try to be). When I go to see 'them', I feel as if I'm trapped ina 30 minute session of "what is wrong now"? Yeah, I should probably get another therapist but you know, I'm not going to be here long enough to care anymore. You can't undo 42 years of abuse, narcissism, and neglect...you just can't. No matter how much I try to talk about it, I clam up. I cannot discuss it because it's hard to talk about something unless you've experienced what I have. I don't know if there ever will be a proper healing but I do have faith.

 

[xena21]

It seems when I go to the therapist, I only seem to get worse and I'm not a good speaker although a halfway decent writer

I completely understand!
I told my therapists that I do so much better with writing, yet they still want me to talk about everything. I think if I could just write a bunch of things before therapy and hand it in, then wait for them to read it, everyone would be happy. Instead I sit there petrified during our hour of talk therapy and have no idea what to say. All I can think of is look at what I wrote.

 

[ghotiff]

I am so with you @xena21.

Actually, this is what my soon-to-be-ex T had me to, write it all down and hand it across to her (because I couldn't speak about it during the sessions). At the time I thought this was a good approach, but now I'm thinking that if I couldn't talk about it, that there was a reason and that by writing it down I ended up with the sessions going way too fast. I think (but I don't know) that the point of therapy is for us to come to terms with our past and our feelings. By writing it down, my T received a good factual history but nothing else, and I ended up disclosing far too much far too soon...my T didn't realise this, kept pushing and it all went downhill from there.

I really value this thread and look forward to more opinions. I have my new T appointment in just under 2 weeks and I have no idea what to expect or how to manage it. I swing between wanting to take a really strong 'don't mess with me approach', and a more trustful open approach. But then I realise that I'm not going to be able to do either I'll just clam up and spend the whole session trying to not pass out.

 

[xena21]

I went to see one of my therapist (yes I have a couple) today. She told me that I had been pulling away because I wanted an excuse to kill myself. I had a pact with the other therapist that I wouldn't try to kill myself while I was in therapy with her. I cancelled with her the last week and called to complain about a couple things during the week, so they thought I was trying to get out of therapy. In some backward way I was. I like to self-sabotage, which is horrible. These people have helped me when nobody else would.

I had been thru a state hospital system that treated people like the dirt of the earth and now I had these great treaters yet I was trying to get them to cancel with me as a patient. Rationally I know it's ridiculous, but emotionally I am having such a hard time dealing with the stuff they want me to talk about. It's like a wall that I have built for 30 years that they want me to break thru. It's almost impenetrable. I live in such a small space of life...in my little apartment afraid of the world around me. I go out to go to appointments and get groceries but I avoid all people as best I can. People have always been the enemy for me. I can talk online but in person I can't do it. Now I'm stuck with therapists who want to help, yet I am not sure how to use their help.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Maybe part of the problem is that you're in "talk therapy"? Just a thought.

 

[ghotiff]

Its a good thought @Solara, and I would like to understand more.

My last T was into memory recovery work. She asked me to spend time reviewing my memories, finding old diaries and wanted me to recover more memories..and this lead me to a dark place where I am now stuck. I explained to the office (of my new T's place) that I don't want to do memory recovery work. The office said that they don't do that, they focus on the current symptoms and problems.

I have yet to see my new T, but I wonder what this new approach will bring. I live a life with many self-imposed limitations, eg I'm only friends with people who can understand my issues (such as my no-touch rule)...but these limitations are fine, my life was limited but pretty okay prior to me opening my Pandoras Box, (it opened six months ago when I started therapy). I started therapy with the goal of managing my limitations without impacting my kids as they grow older and more independent. But now...I'm a total mess...worried about losing my job...and the number times a week I allow my kids to out with friends seems a completely insignificant concern.

I'm rambling a bit, hoping I'm helping you a bit Xena21 by sharing my experiences. I'm not trying to hijack your thread.

 

[xena21]

I don't understand Solara, what other therapy am I supposed to be in? I thought we were supposed to recount what happened to us so we could explain the emotions that we hid or repressed since we were children or in whatever trauma that had taken place? That's the way I had it explained. I know there's different forms of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, but each therapist seems to tweak it to their own methods. Some use exposure therapy which can be good for some instances but also very traumatic in others. I tried exposure for a couple weeks and I ended up in the hospital. What type of therapy do you find helpful?

 

[xena21]

I will never fully trust another therapist again after what has happened to me with the mental health system, but this new therapist has promised she would never send me to the State hospital. That alone has provided relief after being in one for 6 months and then escaping. It's worse than any movie out there I can tell you with certainty.

Just because she has promised that I rely on her to help me get better. I never rely on anyone for anything in most cases, but I was so traumatized in that place I can't depend on anyone else. I usually am so independent and rely on noone except myself, but the last time I did that I ended up strapped to a bed and injected with drugs. I just want to live a normal life, yet I know I need help to do it. It is so frustrating needing to rely on others when often they are the source of your pain.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

"Talk therapy" is where you go in once a week (or maybe twice a week) and all you do is talk about your problems. There is little done other than simply talking about your problems. It may help some, but in terms of healing trauma, it's not so helpful. I think you perhaps are thinking of talk therapy in a different light. (Well, all therapy is a talk therapy of sorts in that talking is a necessary component of therapy, but in this context "talk therapy" is when you just talk about your problems and there isn't much else to therapy at all.)

On the other end of the spectrum is therapy that is entirely skill based. You see a therapist who pretty much just works on skill building with you, such as in CBT and DBT. Well, my CBT and DBT was this way, but I know not all CBT and DBT is solely skill building. My CBT was like going to a class. I just learned skills and in between sessions I had homework. My therapist wasn't touchy-feely in the least, but I learned a LOT from her in the short time I saw her.

Then in the middle you have a balance of talking about issues as well as building your coping skills so that you can heal and move forward. Therapy that involves processing falls more into this middle category as it involves using coping skills and putting them to the test while talking about past trauma.

I've found little to no true healing with straight "talk therapy" but much healing with more skill based therapies. Some people get help from just going in and venting to a therapist about life while the therapist does much nodding with the occasional comment. Unfortunately this doesn't really heal trauma (and the studies show that CBT type therapies work the best).

Do you have an arsenal of coping skills? Yes, I truly mean "arsenal"! CBT skills help a lot, but I also use DBT skills, ACT skills, IFST skills, etc. If you ended up in the hospital, then I question how great that therapist was. I was literally to the point of giving up on processing until I found a newer type of therapy geared toward preventing the re-living factor. It didn't matter that I had a ton of coping skills and that I knew how to use them. The bottom line was that the types of therapy I was trying were not able to prevent me from re-living the past. Unfortunately this newer type of therapy that I used for processing isn't very widespread yet and has many doubters in the psychological community as it is so new. But, it worked for me, and that's all I care about. I can't help but wonder if you need a type of processing that is geared toward preventing the re-living?

 

[Hashi]

I have a slightly different view from Solara. To me, talk therapy in a trauma context isn't about just talking about problems. It's about finally finding a voice, being heard and having a witness to what happened. It's about being validated and it's about getting support and guidance to move forward.

I've posted elsewhere that talk therapy alone would not have worked for me. For me it has been a part but not the only thing I've done. It has been an essential part, though, in the overall context.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

You are on a journey of healing and recovery. It has a beginning, a middle, and and a end. It may take a lifetime to reach it but healing and recovery is possible and then it is a matter of managing symptoms in my opinion.

We did not get this way overnight and when we first go to therapy we are full of illusions and false beliefs, false guilt, etc.

EMDR saved my life and made it so much better by the time I was through. It was very painful talking out loud about what happened to me. But it worked as I worked through my traumas.

When I first started therapy, I had the illusion that three months of therapy and I would be on my merry way. I was turned upside down and inside out and nothing of me was left.

I had to learn what reality was. It was a slow, painful process and I am so glad I am at the growing part towards the end of therapy. I still have a psychiatrist and on medication to stabilize me I am finally getting the help that I need. It is all trial and error and practice and putting one foot in front of the other and keep on keeping on.

I hope that this helps, if not please toss it. I wish you the very best in your healing and recovery process.