Relationship When Arguments Turn Physical

[DharmaGirl]

But when a guy does something physical to you like that and thinks he did nothing wrong with how he acted, it's time to walk away.

Totally agree. It will only get worse. That has been proven over and over again.

 

[DMerish]

I stopped going and moved back to the states after I finally got a handle on who I am.

I think you're deceiving yourself. Although this may be true, if you don't mind being abused and abusing others.

He and I had a stumble when I first moved in with him, and it took I think 3 months for us to slowly work through it. Ever since we have life's been really good for us.

There is no good reason you had a stumble that took three months to move beyond - That three months should have been part of a long "honeymoon" period (or it could have been your wake up call then).

I hate that I'm questioning right or wrong in this.

If the incident didn't happen, you wouldn't be questioning. Do you get that?
The fact that you're questioning indicates that you know, in some small place in yourself, that the situation is not good.

I also know I was heavily in the wrong for reacting back to it by the way. A lot of me wasn't there and in the moment I don't think I realized it was over. They weren't really whacks, they were more like exhausted out of breath angry caresses.

You are minimizing the seriousness of the situation, justifying his actions, and taking on responsibility for what happened. WTF?

Stay, and it's likely more abuse will occur, and it's likely that you'll be the one to hurt the most, physically and emotionally. If that's what you want, so be it.

 

[Sweetpea76]

He told me he thought I was lunging at his baby boy and I was going to hurt him landing him with vet bills he can't afford

So it was OK for him to hurt you instead? This is scary... I agree with the general consensus.

Be safe :hug:

 

[nursenurse]

Out the door, dog and man. I'm wondering what you would think if this happened to your best girlfriend, or your Mom or your little sister, if you have them. What would you say to them?

That he would use such demoralizing moves on you, for what, he thought you were going to hurt his baby boy???? Really? And then you feel bad for thumping him on the shoulder?? If my guy did any of that to me he would be singing alto through his arse.

I know this is hard, but he physically assaulted you. A full out violent attack on your person. Furthermore, he thinks has done nothing wrong. And you are blaming yourself. Either his Mama didn't teach him right from wrong, or he has some other mental illness in there. Because this isn't PTSD, it is sick, it is wrong, and it isn't going to get any better. Lose the love, find your self respect, and move on.

 

[Hashi]

They weren't really whacks, they were more like exhausted out of breath angry caresses.

Are you talking about him or you? Either way, there's no such thing as an angry caress.

The fact that the two of you had a good run for a while isn't a sign that things are basically OK. It's a classic part of abuse that the abusive partner realises when he's gone too far and backs off for some time. Enough time for the other partner to think, we have a great relationship, things are OK now, I'll make excuses for them the next time they hit me because things have been good for so long.

Please see this for what it is.

 

[Meadowsweet]

In my humble opinion, you need to make a really big thing about this, and lay down the law.

There is a cross over between a bad fight and becoming an abused person, and that is to do with how you react. I've only read the opening post, and in that you sound shocked (which is normal) but you don't sound like an abused person. If you go down the route of making excuses for him, while he takes no responsibility for his actions, then you are giving the message that it's something you will accept, and that's the point at which you can start to become abused.

People mess up sometimes, but they have to take responsibility for that. And I can understand you forgiving him, but you can only do that if he understands that he has to face the consequences of his actions.

 

[twopenny]

That's it exactly. I can fully understand him losing control, and you forgiving him for it, but at the same time being confused. But that can only really be the case if he's admitted it's a problem, he was wrong, and there can be absolutely no justification. (PTSD can sometimes be an explanation of violence, but it's never an excuse.)

The reason I'm concerned he'll repeat the action sooner or later is that if he believes he's done nothing wrong at all, then what stops him next time? It won't be that he knows what he's doing is wrong.

My attitude tends to be 'safety now, sort out later'. In other words, get yourself somewhere that you're properly safe for a time, even if temporarily, and then communicate on why it's all happened.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

It is a huge red flag when someone abuses physically, emotionally, mentally, verbally, or financially and does not make efforts to make amends.

As someone who has stayed in toxic intimate relationships before, I understand that you're not ready to leave and probably won't.

So I will offer you a different suggestion. Focus on yourself. Go to therapy and work on getting yourself emotionally healthy. There is a reason why you accept and rationalize abuse. And if you do it in one relationship, you will select others like it where you'll accept it and normalize it again.

Either way, you need help and support. Any time you need a woman to talk to who has been there and understands why you stay, don't hesitate to reach out to me through a private message. I will never tell you to leave your relationship, but I will encourage you to make healthy decisions and focus on getting yourself well.

Sorry for your pain. Don't forget about how strong you are. You are worthy and you deserve better than you yourself are giving you. Xoxo

 

[nursenurse]

Please. Been there, done that too. Support comes in many forms, and sometimes the blind ugly bluntness of the truth is what is needed. I stand by what I said. It is too late to start growing a backbone when you are dead. The time is now.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Since you chose to take offense to my comment, I will address the fallacies in your logic.

The truth is neither blind nor ugly.

Blunt truth doesn't work if the source of someone's reason for accepting abuse is an abusive, childhood overly critical and minimizing parent. PTSD or not.

The first clue to that is the further rationalization after advice by way of blunt truth was placed on the table. If you don't intend to seriously devote your time to telling someone what to do after telling them what to do, then it's better to offer consoling words rather than advice.

They will not read your words and think, "You know what, wow, that makes perfect sense. I will do just that!" They aren't idiots. The issue isn't in what to do. The issue is in why they accept it as normal. If that does not get addressed, it will be repeated in the next.

Accepting abuse as normal does not equal the lack of self respect. That is so far from true, that it disgusts me how a fellow supporter can hand a dish like that and call it "support"!

I know these things. And you know darn well that you do too. You just forgot. Either that or you cannot empathize with her situation. If that's the case, then you should not have said what you said. All you did was blame the victim--her.

I wasn't making reference to anyone else's comment when I posted my own. I do not know why you saw that I was referring to you in my comment, but I wasn't speaking to you or about you. I wasn't even implying.

Your comment of "Please. Been there.." was very rude and rather disrespectful considering the possibility that you took offense to a comment that didn't include the thought of you, at all.

 

[Nicolette]

Please be mindful that different and passionate opinions don't become personal attacks thank you :)

 

[nursenurse]

Nothing taken personally :)