When Did You Start?

[Chava]

@Jnean and @Cashew ....relate to these scenarios (and I think pretty common): a more recent trauma sorting of breaking the damn, but also managing early trauma, or traumas up to a point, through desensitizing, dissociating, numbing out, or a frenzy of distractions (I was busy in my head and had constant stream of projects).

Before first teenage assault I was already self-destructing and I think it's because those patterns of numbing out and disconnecting weren't working well for me anymore. I was lost and lonely and disconnected and I think that works for a while, but facing adulthood I was realizing I could handle almost nothing, and also found it impossible to know how or who to ask for help. I wittled all the challenges of life down to an obsession over my weight and then just started getting black out drunk as much as possible.

I sobered up after some very dangerous years, and went back into some pattern of busyness, workaholism, and disconnection. My health fell apart after another 1-2 decades of that. Then to get well I've had to take care of myself, obviously, and it's been extremely painful because it's required reconnecting to my body after a lifetime of living a foot or so outside of myself. That worked pretty well for a long time and now I'm not sure how to manage without.

 

[Jnean]

Chava, really relating right now. It has been very difficult to just be.

 

[Ronin]

It has been very difficult to just be.

Much more strength to be honored, then. And looking for relief in anything available, no matter how small.

 

[Kailani]

My symptoms hit full scale at 19; suicide attempt led to diagnosis. Had inklings at 15 and 16. Lost it after a friend died and went through hell. Gradually improved and had managable symptoms til a man woke me in my sleep and tried to rape and kill me. I got away and was okay cept for a sleep disorder and increased startle. Death of family ignited some then my grandma died and my dog and animals I looked after... And really bad ... I think I was getting mildly better then slammed with a bad car accident and the pain reignited symptoms full force. Spiral out

 

[Ocean5]

I like the way @Link Removed put it "PTSD tailspin." It was after I was "re-exposed" to childhood and childhood abuser. It took ptsd to levels I never imagined.

 

[Stickler]

I started having symptoms at 4, in retrospect. I barely remember that girl. She's dead.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

My husband of four years died unexpectedly 5/4/15. We were together 8 years. He was the first person who loved me for my "quirkiness". He romantically pursued me and won me. When I confessed my brokenness, he applauded my strength. Never once did he use his knowledge of my past as a weapon against me.
We had our differences but we actually talked about them and came to a compromise that worked for us both. He showed me a different way of living and changed my perception.

I went to a partial hospitalization program to cope with my grief.

For the first time it was okay to grieve.

I took a head dive right into that rabbit hole and well, I'm still there. Some parts of Wonderland are darker than others. I'm not in any real dark places, today.

The shock of losing him started a lifetime trauma domino tipping that hasn't lost momentum yet. What I having been experiencing through various types of flashbacks informs me and my T that I was pre verbal when starting to cope via dissociation.
Dissociation is part of who I am because it influenced the way my brain developed. There's no undoing that.
One of my "ratings" is highly functional and I am. At least I think I am. I have been on a leave of absence from work since the end of July and I'm returning the middle of Janurary.
Like Humpty Dumpty of the wall fall, all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put him together again because he had to do it himself. I'm broken in lots and lots of pieces and I'm the only one capable of putting them together.

 

[Panda Bear]

I started to show intense symptoms 11-12? and again around 16-17 and experienced my first major psychological break by 18-19.

I'd continue to cycle through major depressive and psychological issues/symptoms until seeking therapy at almost 34