When Did You Stop Fearing Termination?

[ninja]

My therapist and I have been working together for a little over two years now. I still worry she will give up on me after capturing an efficacious glimpse of who I really am inside. I worry she will realize that I'm not worth her time or energy to help. Rationally, I know this is not true. She has made it quite clear that she will not "go anywhere" before I am ready, yet still the fear persists.

We work mostly through Skype, though I do make semi-frequent trips to meet with her in person. Skype has never been ideal, but she is the only therapist I've seen who has truly helped me find and understand myself so we make it work as best we can.

While we've certainly made progress with this, it seems to be taking a very long time. Each time I share with her more deeply, the fear that she will terminate me crops up again. I suspect giving it more time may be a requisite, but I wonder what others' experiences have been like? What has it taken for you to find security in your therapeutic relationship?

 

[fyredrift23]

I still haven't yet, lol, and I've been seeing my "T" regularly for 3 years!

It's not that easy for some of us. In my case, I have residual beliefs from growing up with my parents, especially my mom. I learned authority figures, who I classify my T as, will not give me what I need if I don't present myself a certain way.

If I don't meet their expectations, say, of me being perfect or intelligent or strong, then they'll punish me by withdrawing love, attention, and affection from me.

I'm really used to that, so I'm (subconsciously, not rational conscious thought) expecting my T to, literally, withdraw his services from me any day now. The more revealing & vulnerable I become, the stronger that fear gets.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Wow, I guess it's an entirely different ballgame over here - I get 48 sessions (which is rare in the first place), I'm even more lucky that they've been extended to 58 in advance = which has actually made me feel so much better. Ever since the second session I've been aware that sooner or later this'll be taken away and I can't rely on it or my T. I feel that I have to achieve something in this time and that any time not used wisely is wasted. It's not conducive to growing trust or to heal but that only makes me worry more that I'm wasting this rare opportunity. My trust has grown from equally indifferent to moderate - which is a lot for me.

My concerns of her stopping my treatment have been surrounding my traumas and my condition. I constantly worry that she thinks I'm already healed - or as much as I can be, or at the opposite end, that I'm too bad to she can't help. Here, she gently encourages me however and as she has explained it was rare for me to have ever been offered this many sessions. Still I'm in fear permanently. I wish I wouldn't be because it's so counter productive. I just need to keep reminding myself of the facts and actualities, to reinforce these by gently reminding myself that it's not only 20 sessions left, it's wow I've still got 20 sessions left, that's 5 months worth, which is actually a lot and so on. Have you tried challenging your fears with the facts - nothing will change over night, I don't think but it's a start. Good Luck.

 

[mrsps]

@Ninja Im glad you have brought this up as it is something I think of quite a bit and its nice to see Im not alone in these feelings. I have mentioned to my T a few times Im scared she is going to give up on me or retire etc and I wont be ready to leave her. I know this comes from a fear of abandonment from my past (we are still trying to figure out exactly where it comes from) and I transfer it onto my T.
My T tells me the relationship is like a child leaving the nest so she is working with me through my issues so when I am ready I can "leave the nest" and not need her anymore.
I find it really scary to have these thoughts of my T giving up on me as she is a huge support person for me. If only I could get these thoughts out of my head Im sure it would help with my progress.

 

[scout86]

Don't have an answer for you, it hasn't happened yet! There are days when I don't worry about it. There are also days when I know that I worry about it because my brain isn't working quite like it "should". When I'm REALLY worried about it, I ask him.

 

[Friday]

I'm the other way around. I'm sick of being a comic book character to people. This is my effing life, not some ...

Yeah.

Any time I brush the edges with someone and they get all excited, my walls slam down. My stuff isn't new or exciting. It's pretty boring, and exceptionally normal in certain circles. I guess there's a reason I just haven't talked much about this stuff, ever. Circles where I come from, it's too normal to talk about. Circles I'm in, too exciting.

 

[Seasounds]

I have struggled with this issue, and I think there are at least (maybe more) 2 perspectives. In the end, I you'll see the answer that worked for me.

1. Like you mentioned, in my therapy, I feared abandonment from my therapist, since my parents abandoned me.
2. In regards to therapists, they bring/contribute their commitment level, to their patients. I believe I have felt a therapist's 'lack of commitment', but dismissed it, even though I asked them about--which they denied.
3. It is sometimes a challenge to know which person is generating the 'abandonment' feeling (e.g. anxiety, insecurity about wanting the relationship, discomfort with the issues or arrangements that the relationship generates, etc.)

How I finally decided to deal with this abandonment concern, (which may not play out to be as solid as I would like), is that I kept looking for a therapist where, I didn't feel the abandonment, in therapy. In other words, the therapist was so solid, my fear was alleviated.

1. With my current therapist, who is very solid in his commitment to work with me, I brought up my fear. I asked that our relationship would only end, if I initiated it. He agreed.
2. Especially in times of extreme aggravation, where he can't quickly remedy my triggered state, I fear he will abandon me, when I sense his frustration. (Ethically, I know he may feel obliged to refer me, if he believes that he is not helping me.) But at least, with our agreement, I know we will have a discussion.

I hope your therapist will be committed to working with you, until you decide to move on.

 

[ninja]

Thank you all for your replies. They have given me much to ponder! I'm generally not so good at responding back so please bear with me. These issues are so jumbled up in my head which is ultimately why I started the thread, but frequently leaves me without a "proper" place to begin. Usually I just give up, but I'm determined to try this time.

I learned authority figures, who I classify my T as, will not give me what I need if I don't present myself a certain way.

If I don't meet their expectations, say, of me being perfect or intelligent or strong, then they'll punish me by withdrawing love, attention, and affection from me.

This sounds immensely familiar. Historically, I've dealt with this dilemma by quite literally withdrawing, myself (physically). Obviously, this is an unhelpful tactic for a variety of reasons, but certainly effective at creating an environment of isolation. Out of curiosity, have you discussed this issue with your T at all? How do you deal with the backlash after showing vulnerability? Please do not feel pressured to answer if you are not comfortable. I have not directly addressed it with my therapist in session, though after reading your spot-on response and suggestions @change I am unquestionably more motivated to do so.

But at least, with our agreement, I know we will have a discussion.

I can imagine how helpful and empowering this would be, as it eliminates the element of possible surprise. As I mentioned above, I have not mentioned my fears with my T in any kind of overt way. I've hesitated because I fear her seeing too much (shame). I am concerned she will feel too relied upon, but I realize by failing to communicate my fears to her I am not acknowledging my needs.

@Kas_Can_Fly I, too, would find it stressful to have only a limited number of sessions. Around here, so long as one can fork out the money therapy can go on indefinitely! We are paying out of pocket, so for a slightly different reason I can relate to the notion of "wasting time". For awhile my appointments were not regular. I.e. Six weeks might go by between appointments, then I'd have two in one week. We've solved that problem, thus from this coming week on my sessions will be much more regular. Perhaps that will help, too.

Have you tried challenging your fears with the facts

Thank you! I do try to, though I think I could do better. Often I get caught up in (futile) arguments with myself over whether a particular fact can be trusted.

My T tells me the relationship is like a child leaving the nest so she is working with me through my issues so when I am ready I can "leave the nest" and not need her anymore.

I can't fathom a time wherein I do not feel the need to have my therapist as an integral part of my support system! Supposedly it happens – I guess as they say: more will be revealed as we progress further in our healing. Can I ask: do you ever get angry over how dependent you feel on your therapist (assuming you feel such a dependence)? I do not want to rely on anyone, however my child part apparently has other needs. It feels like quite the game of tug-o-war.

There are also days when I know that I worry about it because my brain isn't working quite like it "should".

Very true. And so to have compassion and patience for oneself during such a period. My therapist is really big on "basic needs first!!!!!!!!". Hunger, sleep deprivation, pent up physical energy all are exacerbating factors, I must remind myself of this over and over. Thank you.

Any time I brush the edges with someone and they get all excited

Excitement is not exactly an appropriate emotion to express at such an interval... I don't know what kind of person would get excited upon hearing someone else discuss their pain/hurts. If they're excited to learn that you trust them enough to discuss it (this has happened) then :sick:. There's really no "room" left to discuss anything else at that point, I've found. I'd be livid (after numb)!

I see my therapist tomorrow. I'm going to find my courage and express some of this with her. Then probably run off and hide. ;):bag:

 

[mrsps]

Can I ask: do you ever get angry over how dependent you feel on your therapist (assuming you feel such a dependence)? I do not want to rely on anyone, however my child part apparently has other needs. It feels like quite the game of tug-o-war.

I don't know if I get angry as such but yes I hate the feelings of attachment I have for my therapist. I am normally very independent, lived by myself for years have very few friends and very much a loner (am now married but most of the time its just hubby and I spending all our rime together) and coped ok. Now I am in therapy I find myself very much attached to my T, she is the first person I think of to want to tell when something happens, whether good or bad. I want to be the most special of all her clients, at times I just want to snuggle into her like a child would their mother. Like you say it is the child part of us that wants all these things and it is very frustrating.
I like the way you described it as "tug-o-war" as it is very much like this. I don't know how to get over this as my T just tells me over time as I start to feel better about myself I wont need her like I do now, so I guess I just have to trust her on this.
My problem is that I really like my T as a person and don't want to have to stop contact with her once I have finished needing her as a therapist. Argh so confusing and scary!

 

[Seasounds]

As I mentioned above, I have not mentioned my fears with

my T in any kind of overt way. I've hesitated because I fear her seeing too much (shame). I am concerned she will feel too relied upon, but I realize by failing to communicate my fears to her I am not acknowledging my needs.

• In good therapy, from the compassion of the therapist, my heart is opened to the depths of my pain, including emotional abandonment and humiliation, for the most basic needs--love, 'withness', forgiveness, support, praise (that builds self-esteem) for every, simple day successes).
• The right therapist can hear your concerns, and not be overwhelmed, and will know how set kind, reliable boundaries. Of course, you'll get demonstration that your needs are good, not shameful.
• Additionally, with the right therapist, you can talk about this subject, get support to help make a plan of contact when you are an anxious, and get support/skills to help manage your needs--that will help you and your therapist. It may be a relief, be a deal maker or breaker, if you find out how your therapist responds.
• A developing child needs reassurance their mother is around, as they progressively explore the world. So, your needs are normal. I didn't get this. Sorry you may not have got it, either.
• From my experience, there is great variance in the plans therapists make with their clients; some have allowed emails, some have been able to schedule the me multiple times a week-in my needier times, some will allow a short phone 'check-in'. The most difficult one I worked with, said it was okay to be in touch mid-week by email or phone, but was actually irritated by it. So I think it is definitely an individual, and therapist to client, almost personality match.

Thank you for the topic. I'm amidst a deeper need, and wondering myself, if I want a new therapist. I wish there were some equivalent of an on-line match making, for clients and therapists, like there is for dating. :) Clients describe their ideal therapist, and therapist describe their ideal clients. (I can just hear, in my mind, Jame and Michael Banks, in Mary Poppins, singing their 'nanny song', describing their ideal nanny.)

 

[DharmaGirl]

I stopped fearing termination about 2 months ago. Friday, my therapist of 3 years told me he was leaving to work at the VA. So I guess you should never stop fearing termination.

 

[Deleted member 33880]

I have been working with mine for six years nearly and he has decided to not work at this place anymore. But he will work in a city a long way away and I can't see him there. so he has terminated with me, and told me in the same breath that he knows I am not ready. I guess my termination fears never went away but it was a shock to have them realised.