Relationship When Do You Just Give Up?

[heatherfeather]

One of the counslers I work with said to go basicly no contact on him unless he agrees to go to therapy. Which will be hard for me to do...as if we are ended I would like to exchange our stuff.

 

[Nicolette]

Heatherfeather, while I don't doubt what you say for a moment, and Anthony having two marriages behind him with some PTSD to blame - doesn't mean I would accept him treating me like you are being treated.

This is not about why he is doing what he is doing - it is about is what he doing hurting you and is he being fair to the relationship? He may not be in a place to be in a relationship despite wanting one. I don't know but I do know that PTSD is not an excuse. I have trust issues with men but I don't treat Anthony any worse for it - I may be more alert and sensitive to things but over time his actions have quelled my concerns.

My question for you is if this is as good as it gets with someone with PTSD is that how you want to spend your life? Would you even call it a relationship if someone else asked you what you are asking us? It is totally up to you and if you can manage with the level you have I'm happy for you. I know I could not do it after all the trust issues I have I would be suspicious.

I also don't get how trust issues equal ignoring any relationship based questions? You are not any of those women in his past and if you remind him of them then you are not the right person for him if that makes sense. Why get into a relationship if the excuse for being absent is trust issues?

Sorry if I seem harsh - it is not my intention but I will ask you questions I believe you need to ask yourself.

 

[Toria]

I do not disagree with anything that has been said above, but Husband - who lives at home with me - avoids certain questions and topics like the plague! I am now realising that he simply cannot cope with some topics. I would imagine that direct conversations about PTSD are challenging for him and by ignoring them he is in his own way dealing with them.

Please do think of yourself though - as the others have said, PTSD or no PTSD ignoring someone is no basis for a relationship. My husband also has two marriages behind him at the age of 50ish (thank you - I was thinking he was the only one!!!!) and also has trust issues when it comes to relationships. These were very obvious at the start of our relationship - before PTSD - and so I can live with those. But ignoring them will not make them go away. Wishing you all the luck in the world x

 

[Tifanee]

All I can say heatherfeather is you are not alone in this right now. You've take the words straight from my life right now. The struggle of what we go through in our relationships with our partners with PTSD is not stuff we would tolerate in a normal relationship. I am battling within myself of determining when I should speak up and when do I just need to give him space. Your partner appears to needs space, but might not be ready for a relationship if he is not getting help or at least acknowledging he needs help. There has to be continued growth and an awareness of what he needs to work on, otherwise the relationship chaos continues as is.

I don't mind my partner's need for space and his need to shut out the world. However, am I okay that this includes me? Are you okay that this avoidance includes you? To me, it seems the need for space is part avoidance, testing, and poor relationship modeling that this continues on his end. If I bring it up, he is just going to deflect and blame me, but if I don't then I'm not sticking up for myself. As supporters, especially as I've seen on this forum, have made extra efforts to try to gain the tools to be supportive partners and better understand what our PTSD partners go through. In lieu of these extra efforts, we work on ourselves and try to build healthy patterns in the relationship. When it seems the foundation of the relationship is falling apart due to the avoidance and lack of communication, then the walls are unstable and it is a waiting game when it will fall apart. How do you keep a connection when there is no connecting?

As everyone has said before (doesn't make it easy though), you need to "do" you and continue with your life. I wish you luck and send you a big supporter hug!

 

[ProudWife99]

Part of me thinks he doesn't want to answer the one about me moving on because he doesn't want me to but can't say stay...

Would you accept this logic from someone who doesn't have PTSD? For a relationship as complex as one involving PTSD, there has to be a level of respect and understanding. Making excuses for those we care even when their behavior is inexcusable is unfair to ourselves and to them. If he doesn't want you to move on he should say so. If he is incapable of saying so, that is pretty indicative of the fact he is, at this time, incapable of having a relationship.

 

[HelloMo80]

I agree with Proud Wife. Please do yourself a favor and don't accept this as normal behavior as a result of PTSD. You can't make him do anything so don't push too hard but do set some boundaries. If he's willing and able, he'll met you at least part of the way. If not, then you have your answer. It's not easy and I know you are realizing that. Just make sure if you're going to go to bat for someone with PTSD that they truly are a good person who happens to have PTSD. Instead of a mal-adjusted, broken person who uses PTSD as an excuse for poor behavior.

 

[OKRADLAK]

I would not put up with anyone treating me poorly, PTSD or not. Lots of people here have PTSD and are very kind and considerate, and when we snap, we try to make it right immediately,

I can only speak for me, but when I lost control, it is so much added stress and guilt that I am MORE LIKELY than someone without PTSD to try to make it right.

WHen I can't be decent, I isolate.

I hope that you can work i out because no one should stand for being reated badly, no matter what the reason.

 

[JohnJohn]

Heather,

Hang in there. My wife waffles back and forth constantly on the fence with our relationship. Her counselor is trying to get her to commit to something. Hell, I would be happy if she just admitted to having a problem, instead of blaming me for things that I did years ago but today they have divorce worthy relevance.

Sufferers of trauma I believe exist in purgatory and have difficulty committing to things due to their percieved lack of empowerment and/or control.

I wish you the best of luck, but I may have to give my loved one an ultimatum. Sometimes I feel that sufferers would rather isolate the problem and avoid it than face it and if it means they must forfit loved ones then they will do it to secure their percieved mind.

 

[heatherfeather]

Thanks for all the support :) No I don't put up with anyone treating me horrible however I know there are special circumstances here to deal with.

I will be writing him an email and he can deal with it how he chooses however I will only wait a certain amount of time for him to get help before I walk away for good.

Thanks again!

 

[heatherfeather]

 

[LizardViolet]

Heatherfeather, sure, maybe he is testing you to see whether he can trust you. But in my experience, in a relationship that has gone on for almost four years, the tests do not end. When my bf gets triggered, the trust meter drops back down to zero. The trigger is very likely to be something I have absolutely no control over, like missing a phone call. If you stay with this, be aware that it's a hard road.

 

[HelloMo80]

LizardViolet, that is very true. Trust is almost non-existent with someone who has PTSD. They will push and pull. It might be better dealing with someone who is in treatment for PTSD and they work on that. Otherwise, it's not something, in my experience, that gets better with time.