When grounding leaves you flooded with being raped feelings

[mumstheword]

It sounds impossibly hard and horrible. I don't know what to say. Just sending you compassion and caring support. I hope this passes soon.

 

[Sideways]

At times like this, just take it day by day, or hour by hour if you need. Use supports when you can, and spend time on self care like it’s the most important medication that you take.

 

[ms spock]

I over ate today until it was exceedingly painful. That was not pleasant. I have decided to let things slide. I should be making decisions about asbestos contractors but I am scared of making the wrong decision.

I did send my sister a nice Birthday present as it is her birthday shortly.

I could have gone for a walk with an acquaintance this afternoon but I was in the middle of writing about my musical instrument, and I would have had to rush and it was going to be too much. I said sorry I am busy writing. No one really knows about my PTSD up here, and I am keeping it to myself.

This is not a good time for me. I came straight back and didn't go to the house. Crabby E was back which was a shame. Her negativity is hard to deal with. They left again. I just sat down and did some writing. She is intrusive and nosy. So I kept writing, this is my loungeroom, and I have just as much right to be in it as she does. She is the visitor, and I pay rent and I live here, and it is highly stressful to be in the same room as her but it is marginally better than the house. And my partner needs to understand how serious what is going on is.

I go on this forum at the house, but only on my phone at my new home. If you spend your life cocooned in a mental health world you can disclose too everyone. But in the real world you keep your personal business to your self. It is unlikely that my housemate know how to look up but hee offspring could, once I have been here six months I will review.

I have not been drinking water. I am abit frozen, but went to my music lesson today. He is a really nice man, and she is just lovely. I was late because of anxiety and being all over the place. But he was talking to his previous student, and I still had an hit lesson, but it would not have mattered half an hour would have been fine. It was a goal, and I did it.

 

[ms spock]

Had to binge eat to go to bed last night. This is actually a time of year that is chock of anniversaries.

I am going to a three day event. Not looking forward to it. I will go because doing the hardest thing is the most important thing to do, without retraumatising myself.

But I am improving a little bit. I did note the anniversary of my 8th of October suicide attempt.

The fear of rape has pretty much taken me over.

 

[ms spock]

This is what I have to deal with, the fear of rape, the fear of rape attached to having bodily sensations, the fear of rape attached to going to bed, the actually approaching of my bed is hard, then there is the fear of rape that is attached to sleeping. So all my eating, the medication, the avoidance, the dissociation, the depersonalisation, the derealisation, the maladaptive daydreaming and the corrosive self doubt is really entertwined in my nervous system from being a very small child.

And no one can fix this or help me but myself. I have so much work to do, and I have done soooooooooooooooooo much work already. I don't want to have to do it.

Bonnaroo 2014: Sarah Jarosz - "Crazy" // The Bluegrass Situation

And those GODDAMNED f*ckING PSYCHOLOGISTS who used me sexually, physically, emotionally, intellectually, to write papers for their struggling clients at university, the one who knocked out my front teeth, the one who moved into my home so I ended up pretty much homeless, and who took my money, and told people my issues, who used and abused me in so many ways. f*ck that shit! f*ck this shit! It is all coming up. They told me to do things that destroyed my friendships because I was so desparate not to be like my parents. They keep me to themselves, isolated me from other people, and f*cked with my head generally. OMG these unprofessional psychologists stole and cost me my life!

 

[ms spock]

Got to the point of having a minor meltdown and crying with my partner, and I said that what after PTW did, that I have been been flooded by feelings of being raped, and that it is really shitty way to be. I am so triggered.

I did move to a new place and unhelpfully some of my new housemates "friends" have been staying and they come and go without saying hello or goodbye, and I will bring that up on Monday.

 

[ms spock]

Still struggling

 

[Haven]

That sounds really hard. I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope you know, that we're here for you. I remember when I first started grounding it was really difficult. Beds were a problem for me too. I didn't remember my rape, so I didn't know beds would be triggering when I tried grounding. I found out the hard way. What helps me is to have an object nearby that brings me comfort and confidence, that is solid and different feeling than my bed. So when I'm triggered, I reach for the object and describe to myself what it feels like, and just be super present. I turn the lights on as well if it's super bad. I also get different sheets than the one where I was raped, and my bed is lower to the ground. I'll then recite scriptures, song lyrics, or my personal calming mantra in my head, or write in my journal by my bed with how I'm feeling. For a while I needed someone or a pet to sleep in the same room as me. I think it's a bit different for everyone with what works. I think living in a place you truly feel comfortable and safe helps a lot. I'll memorize my room at night so when I wake up I can see the different things and remember I'm not in the place where I was raped. I hope this was helpful.

 

[ms spock]

Not as bad now. Still struggling but managing slightly better. Still slipped into very poor coping strategies. Over eating, binge eating, over talking and bamboozling people. Maladaptive day dreaming, avoidance, dissociation, depersonalisation, and derealisation. I am not so here.

Went to wedding with L missing due to her suicide.

Spoke to partner about our relationship issues.

I am jarring people to keep them away. I ask a question and then disconnect.

Struggling with new place, due to housemate's visitors. It is a shit situation.

I am not having an easy time of it.

 

[zygo]

I am struggling with grounding. There are many reasons that I find grounding myself really h...

I relate to this.. it is upsetting that sometimes when you are coming out of a dissociative episode that you body then feels the full forces of grounding, and sometimes not in a good way, a sensory overload. This can include somatic pulses in triggering areas. Which can then trigger me back into a flashback, which then repeats the cycle.
It is really difficult to explain this to the psychs.. If anything it is sometimes upsetting to "come back" to the real world. That's the reason i go into a dissociative episode in the first place.
For me it is critical at this time to try to desperately find safe things and experiences that are familiar. Patting my dog, she has always been safe or looking at a picture that reminds you of safety. Sometimes music helps open the floodgates of grief and tears that need to be shed. But all of this comes at a cost. I most often have to go back to bed and hide for 2-3 hrs, not necessarily sleep but put my head on a pillow, have the covers on me and curl up in a ball and self-soothe and breathe.
Not sure that this is helpful, it is just what I have to do.

 

[ms spock]

This stuff has seriously been the way I have managed this in the past. I had forgotten this. It is really hard to explain to the psychs.

Thanks @zygo

My bed time panic attacks are really full on at the moment. My binge eating to go to sleep is out of control - well not so bad last night. I managed to slow it last night.

I keep freezing up, so much.

I am becoming more aware of all the splits.

I just don't want to be here. And now I get so much more of why this has all be so almost impossible for me to do.

Having a bit of a tough time of it.

 

[zygo]

I also relate to the massive binge eating episodes.. For me I am a binge coma eater (binge while half -asleep) .. I wake from a particularly severe nightmare, need to binge on the most unhelpful food groups, then go back to sleep and have a nightmare and binge coma eat and so on and so on all night. The so called relevant medication options just add tenfold to the ravenous hunger in the middle of the night and by the way i don't sleep much anyway. I will literally wake and there is concrete evidence all over my bench and t-shirt of the nasty binge episodes.
I am always hyper-vigilant and ready for threat, especially at night. The monster(s) seem to come mostly in the night.