When Happy Things Make It Worse

[Tmt]

These past few weeks have been the hardest weeks I've had in a long time. Yesterday particularly. A friend asked me why when there is something so positive does it effect me so negatively and I don't know how to answer.

Today I received a large sum of $ as a government settlement for the abuse I went through by my therapist when I was a kid and who worked for a branch of the government. I thought it would make the bad days end and that there would be light.

I was so wrong. Stunned and maybe even excited for about 20 min. After that I crashed and I've been spiralling. It has been one bad flashback followed by disassociation after another. And repeat. I don't know how to stop it or if there is any way to control this.

I don't know what to do about it. I don't see my current therapist till Friday but I don't want to talk about it cause our sessions are bad lately and really intense.

I don't want this to be the end of me. I feel like this is out of control. How do I fix this?

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I can't relate entirely to this whole message, but I can relate to the money. To most people receiving money like that would mean happiness or excitement, yourself included. However, that money comes to you because of something really bad that happened to you. My husband and I received money as a result of a serious car accident. I was pretty triggered by it. I never once felt happy about it. We put the money to good use though and I came to see it has overcoming the bad.

I realize that a car accident is not the same thing as abuse (I have that in my past, too). However, I don't think this will be the end of you. I think it is perfectly understandable that you are struggling with flashbacks and dissociation.

I think it would be important to process. If you don't want to talk about it directly, perhaps you could write about it. Get the feelings out. The other thing would be to perhaps ask your therapist for grounding techniques and suggestions for strategies of how to lessen the flashbacks. Even though it feels like this will go on forever, this too shall pass. The flashbacks will stop.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

First, I am SO SORRY that you went through the abuse that created the whole reason for the money! NO AMOUNT OF MONEY can make up for the pain that you have gone through, and are going through!

Maybe you will be able to just let the money sit, if you can, until you've carefully thought about what to do with it. Definitely, wait and use it wisely.

Even though your sessions with your therapy have been "bad", I would think you might tell your T, just because it's an added new stressor. If you have known it was coming, then that may be why your sessions have been so bad.

Good luck, and don't give up!!!! There IS light as long as you move forward and don't stop the pursuit of a healthy mind!!!

 

[darrenS]

Tmt - is there anyone you can be with ? any major change can bring a host of emotions , be kind to yourself , sock the money away with some controls - force yourself to put on a good comedy if possible - do something - anything to get your brain thinking of something else - find a favorite song and dance to it - go for a short walk if you can or start exercising where you stand - i have to force myself to do many things , but once im moving it does become easier - flashbacks are the worst , but even the smallest step, is a step forward - just be kind and remember that you are all you have

 

[Friday]

Stress Cup!!!

It's not just unhappy stress that fills it to overflowing

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/#post-173960

 

[Friday]

Just to add... One of the things I have to be really careful about is tamping down excitement & joy. I don't want to avoid those things, they're great parts of life, but if I can't pace myself? I need to come down slowly. An abrupt spike up, can equal just as sharp a spike down. So I need to bleed the adrenaline (exercise is a good one), or modulate with some music, an exciting book, anything that I still enjoy, but that is several shades lower than wild exultation.

I think of it like diving. When ascending I need to stop at certain points to allow the gasses in my blood to regulate. And then at 10' just settle in for a bit of a camp.

One can't always do that. And, just like diving, there are consequences. The bends suck. The suicidal ideation, despair, etc... I think of as the bends. They have a direct cause, from being too happy too fast (ascending too quickly). And they will pass. If it's too painful, I may need to seek help (meds in this case, decompression chamber in diving). But knowing that there is a direct cause usually helps me enough to wait out the pain.

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

No amount of money In the world will compensate for what you went through and are currently going through and probably will be for rest of your life. If money was the answer my family would have given me all the money I'd want just to make me feel better .
I think it would trigger lots of emotions for you and dissociating would be at top of list. I think it's very important for you to talk to your t and I agree with confused wingless that writing it down would probably help or and make it easier . Good luck

 

[9320]

The flashbacks and dissociation can be triggered by a return to the life you once knew, when fewer things were wrong and before the trauma. It's like a video tape rewinding itself in a way. A part of you forms subconscious associations with the losses and things improving could trigger a lot of fears and suicidal thoughts, because that's how you felt when you were on the way down. It is scarier when things improve because at rock bottom we are numb and unaware of how bad things are, until we have a means of comparison. I am expecting myself to have break downs when I get things, I've got pills to help me when that happens. It's easier for us to feel powerless because it's a comfort zone and we are more accepting of it, where as when things go right you have more responsibilities and might feel more pressure. Look at the AA 12 steps and you might be able to find some links with the PTSD recovery process as well (or ideas that help). When you let something go and accept powerlessness over a situation you feel really peaceful and don't expect anything. When you've had to accept powerlessness and live with nothing, we are so peaceful but at the same time there are demons that get shut away because a part of you is blind to the awareness of the magnetite of those losses. As you 'wake up' and start climbing again, they come to the surface of your conscious mind (every injustice you haven't reacted to or have repressed somewhat) and you have to manage the triggers and work through them as they come up. I've read about people who can become murderous or homicidal if they can't manage the triggers, the extreme emotions come up because there is some emotional security and financial or emotional gains.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Yep, its the stress cup. Sadly, its nearly impossible to get people to understand that good things as well as bad things can send us spiraling. I got AWESOME news about a month ago and then went home and had a bad episode. Anything emotional can overflow that darn cup. Sometimes I think that "stress cup" is a bit of a misnomer because stress typically has a negative connotation but good things can cause a spike in symptoms, too.