Supporter When Is Help An Interference....please Help Me Draw My Line..

[Shadowofdoubt]

Hi Bim, as you know I'm new here and I've shared some of my situation with you. Before I started research into PTSD I did a lot of research on love addicts and love avoid-ants. [ for the sake of other readers..I am on my 2nd round of being shut out by someone I've come to care greatly about (all on- line)].

His first shut-out put me in a tailspin of depression and made me realize I had some issues of myself to work on. I had been alone for a long time, and it felt so nice to have this connection with someone. I became very dependent on it to the point I was isolating myself and neglecting a lot of stuff. I was, ( and am still struggling), not healthy in that relationship.

As I said I researched love addicts (I think it is also referred as anxious attachment style) and know I am attracted to love avoidants ( which seems common among PTSD sufferers). It is hard to step back and examine yourself when you care so much about someone and just want to help them feel better and be better (I so wish my love could fix him), but it looks like you have become so enmeshed in caring for him that you are more than likely enabling him...and it's easy for me to say that cause I'm on the outside, I know I would struggle with that myself if the situation allowed for it.

I have learned so much on this forum, and have gained such a better understanding and even more compassion for the man I care about that is suffering with this. I wish I had come here sooner. The biggest thing that has stood out to me is the need to take care of yourself, have a life outside of the relationship, ( especially needed for those shut- out times :) ). Learning all you can about the symptoms is very helpful, and knowing you're not alone with the difficulties and pain that come along with loving and supporting someone with PTSD in invaluable.

 

[StarChild]

that's why I felt the need to help more because I don't want to be with the kind of person he is now - I thought with perseverance maybe I can help bring out the best if him...

Wow, reading this really made my toes curl... Bim, absolutely no offence to you, but I'll tell you straight away what I'm thinking; It doesn't seem you were (maybe unconsciously?) looking for an equal partner, but for someone you can remodel and fix and shape into someone who then should become a "better" human, after you finished your "love-work". Let's assume you mean well, and your actions are well intentioned. But seriously, how would you feel, if a man would start to analyse, observe, and even tried to take-over every part of your life?

I always make it a point to call him to ask if he took his medicines, I my weekends off I go to his apt and we cook food and have it ready anytime he wants to eat during the week, organize his stuff and do things together. Then again, during the week when I'm not with him ( I don't see him monday to Friday ) cuz of work, he quickly drifts back to his world where everything is done in his sleep. Until I come again on the weekends.

This sounds as if a mother had written it, not a girlfriend. And your acting is kind of "dis-abling". In other words, you're doing quite the opposite of what you claim you want for him.. By the way, can you imagine, that this man managed to live his life self-dependent long befor you showed up in it?

I don't see why I should be in therapy...

Because you obviously have serious issues. And because you're thinking, that such controlling behaviour is "normal". For you're overstepping his boundaries as well as you clearly disrespect them! Believe me when I say, your relationship is anything but healthy.

Please read the following statements once again very carefully, and remember, people here are concerned and really want to help you, even if they say things you maybe don't want to hear:

but do not confuse this kind of warm fuzzy with love. Just what are you getting out of it? Someone you cook for, whom you remind to do things, whom you mother?

Anyone's red flags would or should be up when one takes over the care of another,

Are you really a partner? Is he a partner to you? It sounds like you've been a caregiver since the beginning of the relationship, as well as monitoring him and now wanting to share your observations, it makes him sound more like a patient to you.

Do you have therapy yourself? If this is how your relationship has been from the start and you feel compelled to do more, then I'd gently suggest exploring that in terms of what it means for you rather than what it means for him

I think there's also a longer question about why you feel so driven to take care of him in this way and still feel you have to do more.

 

[anthony]

Honestly, if he wants you to go with him to his therapist, then I would speak openly with his therapist about your observations. Can this blow back upon you and your relationship? Yes. IMO though, you have to take that risk to ascertain whether he wants to help himself. He has invited you, so that says something consciously, or sub-consciously, from him that he wants you in his life and wants to change somewhat.

Observations are just that... just try and not have him feeling as though he is broken any more than he likely already knows he is, and you just may be of more help to him.