When Is It Enough?

[FindingMyself88]

I never thought that I could be in a lower spot of depression that I was my senior year of high school, but where I am at now makes that year look like joy. Least I was able to function and get good grades. Now no matter how hard I try, its not enough. I've never dealt with direct suicidal thoughts until now. I am such a mess! I have been in therapy for a year and have been seeing a psychiatrist for over a month now trying to regulate medications, but things just keep getting worse. They both say its because I am going through some really tough stuff in therapy and that it will get better and that I am doing good, but why don't I feel that way? I did tell my therapist about the suicidal thoughts last week and so this week we are going to go over coping skills and grounding techniques. She told me if I have the direct thoughts again to go straight to the ER, but I don't know what will happen and I don't want to be hospitalized. I need to work or otherwise I can't pay for my apartment, which means I have to move back home, which is where my torment began! I just dont see any hope and I don't know how much longer I can keep dealing with the pain. The smallest thing sets off the biggest panic attacks. Someone raising their voice, someone touching me without my prior knowledge, a simple word, thought, smell. The nightmares are so bad that Im afraid to go to sleep. My psychiatrist gave me some medicine to help me sleep, but all it does is make me sleep through the nightmare, which means the torment continues to happen and then the next day sucks for me. Will this end, will it get better?

sorry this is more of a rant post than anything. I just dont know how much more I can take.

 

[franciemarnie]

How awful. I'm so sorry. I hate when the only relief you can get is sleep but then there are nightmares so there is no relief.

Is your therapist doing any work with you to release the trauma? Like Somatic Experiencing, etc. or is it just talk therapy? Talk therapy alone can't get ti the heart of it. The meds can only alleviate symptoms at best (and it doesn't sound like they are very effective), they don't heal the original wound(s).

Life can get better. You can know real joy again. Maybe you and this or another therapist can go in a new direction.

 

[FindingMyself88]

She has started working with me in a different way than what we use to. It use to be strictly talk therapy. But now she is doing things like having me go back to the trauma, and say how I felt at the moment, and what I needed and how that applies to what I need now. Not sure what kind of therapy this is. She is also very big on CBT and changing my thoughts about myself now, but I'm so overwhelmed by everything that I cant believe anything I or we say as far as that goes. All I know is the panic and depression and flashbacks and nightmares....I cant get past them. My grades in college are suffering and even work is suffering. I'm honestly barely functioning anymore... :'(

 

[WillyKat]

I'm really sorry that it's so hard right now, but your therapist has a plan, which I would describe this way: you are on a hero's journey in which you must crawl through the River Shit, which is deep, wide, and infested with hideous beasts hitherto unknown to science, which you must either outwit or defeat. (I'm pretty sure she would describe it differently, but I like my description better.)

It's good plan, one that's supported by a ton of research and clinical practice. Your therapist sounds like she knows her stuff, and I'd trust her and trust the plan.

Many of us on this forum are making this journey. Some of us are through the worst parts, and we're here to help you. And helping you helps ourselves. Someday soon, you'll see a post similar to this one and you'll say to yourself, "ah yes, the River Shit, I remember that all too well. I'll reply and help this person out."

For me, my worst year was my senior year in high school, during which I nearly committed suicide. I had not one but two bottles of sleeping pills, a bottle of Gatorade (which makes me laugh a bit now that I think about it, did I need the electrolytes?), and I was ready to rock and roll. That was 35 years ago.

"Nothing worth having
Comes without a fight
You've got to kick at the darkness
'Til it bleeds daylight."
- Bruce Cockburn, Lovers in a Dangerous Time

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Is your therapist giving any sort of closure after opening up those wounds? It's helpful to be able to process the trauma, but if there is no sort of reigning in of the unleashed trauma, that is a recipe for disaster!

Most therapists, in my experience, have no concept of "putting it away" at the end of a session. Yes, I've seen quite a few therapists over the years! Most we're trained in treating trauma.

At one point it was so bad that I was resolved to never talk about my trauma. Then I found an intensive trauma program that let me process my trauma without reliving it. I wasn't picking at old wounds so to speak.

Please don't blindly trust your therapist and assume she has a plan. If she isn't working on any sort of containment skills, she may not be the one for you.

Also, I have been told that suicidal *thoughts* are not cause for hospitalization necessarily, rather knowing I am going to act on those thoughts is a reason for hospitalization. Then again, I've struggled with those thoughts for years so mere thoughts don't warrant a trip to the ER for me personally. Generally, if you aren't stable, then that is when it's time for more intensive treatment such as hospitalization. Only you know when you've reached the point of destabilization.

 

[FindingMyself88]

I think she does try to close it up. She will give me a possible solution. Such as last week we talked about my need to be hugged and told that I'll be ok. She ended after reliving it with telling me it is certainly ok to ask for that now from someone I trust. She also will not let me go normally until I have calmed down. Only one time did she not keep me, but I ended up coming back and she was ok with that. She also allows me to email or call her during the week if needed. Mostly she will just reintegrate what she said in session.

As far as the thoughts, I really don't know. My worst episode was last week. I thought about taking my whole bottle of Ativan but instead I threw them in back seat (I was driving). Friday night I kept thinking about doing it but the fact that there is no going back stopped me. I don't really want to die, I just want the pain to end now. It feels like it is slowly killing me.

 

[WillyKat]

I know the feeling about wanting it to end very well.

Maybe this is true for you, maybe not: for me, wanting it to end "now" was my impatience talking. Therapy and healing from this crap is very slow. It's like baby steps...for turtles. Over the last six months, I've been dealing as best I can with that frustration by setting smaller, more attainable goals. If your goal is eradicating it with one blow, then your setting yourself up for disappointment.

Hang in there!

 

[DMerish]

Hi Finding,

I think what WillyKat said about impatience etc. was spot on. Thoughts are only thoughts. You can have one thought/feeling then a moment or a day later a completely different thought about the same subject. You experienced that while driving in your car last week.

The trouble comes when we get stuck in certain kinds of thoughts repeating themselves over and over again. Errgh!

Something that helps that is learning how to relax - for me, doing nothing but listening to soft relaxation music often helps. You can find a type that you like on YouTube. I like the type that has the sound of gentle ocean waves in the background, and use it almost every night to help me get to sleep.

PTSD isn't easy to deal with and extra stressors tend to make it worse. You've got a lot on your plate. What can you do to give yourself a bit more "breathing room" - drop a class, cut a couple of hours from work, move in with a friend temporarily to help with housing costs, etc?

 

[FindingMyself88]

It doesn't have to end but just calm down a bit. I feel like all at once my childhood and the abuse came crushing down on me again, heavier than myself. Memories I had repressed are no longer repressed. I went from not being able to cry to being unable to stop in counseling and even outside. If I could just deal with one thing at once. The panic attacks are unbearable. I startle at the least thing. I have nightmares reliving everything that happened almost every night...

I am going to drop a class. I can't loose more hours though... I'm already down 10 hours from what I use to do. And I can't move until my lease is up. Once it is up I will be moving just because I need a place that will allow pets for when I hopefully get my service dog