Relationship When Is It Enough?

[AloneNLost]

When is enough, enough? My husband has these periods of "not being happy" he "has a lot on his mind" he will get in these spells of being angry and doing things trying to make me mad on purpose. He still wants me to do things for him and that he needs but totally ignores my needs. He refuses to go to counseling or therapy. He talks abouto how he has bad thoughts and about killing himself. How we will all be better off without him. We will pull extra shifts so he is never home. He expects me to just be ok with all of this. I am pregnant we both planned it. We had a miscarriage last year. He was so happy when we found out we were expecting thato time. He was supportive when we lost that baby and wonderful. We found out we were expecting this time and he was indifferent even said he really wasn't wanting anot her kid. That he wasn't expecting it. He never wants to talk about the future. I try to be supportive and give him space when he needs it and be there when he needs me but he doesn't give me the same in return. Our relationship is always on his terms. He has run off before more than once. So I worry everyday that I will come home and he will be gone again. I have needs too. I need my husband. Some days I feel I should just make it easy on him and tell him it's over. So that he no longer has that question on his mind and he can be happy. He seems to think he can't be happy anytime something in life happens. I love him and try hard to not set off his triggers and to just be supportive. But I feel I am compromiseing my and the kids happiness by always trying to keep the peace.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

 

[7Cs]

Some days I feel I should just make it easy on him and tell him it's over. So that he no longer has that question on his mind and he can be happy.

Interesting that you would think that will make him happy.
Sounds more like giving up to me.
Which is fine if you need to do it for yourself, your kids, the baby... but to do it for "his happiness"?

Do you really think that you're the one making him miserable or is it the PTSD?


So glad my hubby didn't take me up on my offer to divorce him 3 years ago so he could be happy. Then again he is MY supported and knew how much I was suffering. I thought my symptoms were so bad that he deserved better.

 

[Sweetpea76]

It is more than reasonable to want love and support from your spouse.

Only you can decide when it's enough. Your feelings and needs are just as valid as his.

 

[J'qel]

As a sufferer-take care of yourself first. You can't help him if these things are harming you.

Is he in therapy? If not, he should be. Any diagnosed individual should at least try it and should talk to their doctor.

It isn't "all in his head" it's an actual neurochemical cause. It's even a biological cause (severely affects the hippocampus size and shape). It's a medical physical cause that needs treatment.

If he is getting therapy, maybe the two of you could seek couples' therapy? I say this as someone whom it didn't really help because we don't have major issues-but we still had issues. We're working it out on our own but a few things did break through, like proper phrasing, like saying "I fell like XXX when you do YYY" as opposed to accusatory "why do you always do YYY??"

At the very least find someone to talk to, get a therapist for an appointment or two for yourself, maybe try a "spouses of PTSD" support group. They would have a number of resources on a local level for you both.

Yes, the see sawing is normal for a PTSD pre treatment relationship-we get suspicious, we detach, we have moments where we love our significant others to pieces and it can all happen in a few days or even hours. It's rough. It's why I will stay on my treatment. I love my husband. I hate what my PTSD made me. It wasn't fair to him.

I hope something here helps soon.

 

[Friday]

How much of this do you think is purely his waiting to see if this baby dies, too? (And this time maybe you as well?) Waiting for death? Refusing to plan for a future he can't see because it might not happen? Feeling responsible for putting someone you love's life in danger? Knowing the moment you allow yourself to be happy about something that hasn't happened yet, it will be taken away from you?

Grief delayed tends to come out sideways.

You say he was wonderfully supportive after your miscarriage, and it sounds like you've mostly processed through it. Did he do the same? Or was he so busy being strong & being what others needed, he didn't do what he himself needed, & that now is when he's processing 1 loss through the potential of another loss?

Just some thoughts.

 

[TheMinsterman]

Sweetpea is spot on, enough is enough when you personally decide it is. It is your right to decide what the final straw is, your feelings are just as valid as the "sufferers" and your needs are just as important.