Relationship When Is It Just Ptsd And When Is An Abusive Relationship With Someone With Ptsd?

[Sandi79]

I don't know what to do at this point.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. He is in the Army, he was in Iraq twice in the infantry.
He is divorced because he would leave his wife for a few hours, sometimes days, at a time and she began to doubt where he was, what he was doing.

He and I met, dated for a month and he left for the defence language institute for 16 months. We continued to date long distance. Five months after he was there, I went to visit him. We had a great time. When I got back home, he stopped talking to me, for five days. After, we got on Skype and he said that he has "problems" and he ends up hurting and disappointing people close to him. In December of that year, he came home for Christmas and told me he loved me, he said thats what triggered the 5 days of not speaking to me. Everything was great, he came home in Sept of 2013, we moved in together. We fought quite a bit. He had his daughter in the beginning of december for 2 weeks, took her back to her mom (she lives out of state) and he never came home. He went to his parents house. He started to come home and pack his things to move out. We ended up talking it out and he said he didnt want to leave.

We had no fights from Dec 10th until this past thursday.

He had been trying to get a civilian job since Sept. He finally got a call Wed that he got the job, he was very excited. He has been feeling bad that I pay all the bills and he cannot help. Thurs he had a physical for the new job and was told he may have an irregular heartbeat. We talked about it, he said if he has a heart problem he will not take medication for it. I told him that was selfish. (I realize that did not help) I texted my sister about it because she has a heart condition with an irregular heartbeat. he found out I had talked to her and he was very angry. He stopped talking to me, went to bed at 730pm. He woke up at 2 am, told me he was going to his parents to print out some things and as he left he said "I'll see you tonight". He never came home. He never called, Nothing. I texted him saturday morning because I had been up all night waiting for him. He texted back saying ":I stayed at my parents because I didn't want to be there". I told him to call about getting his things.

<Email content removed by Anthony due to breaching another's right to privacy.>

He came and got some of his clothes because he was leaving Sunday to start training for his new job (ended up the irregular heartbeat didnt stop him from getting the job as he had feared it would). He left everything else, including his dog.

He called me Sunday morning. I asked if there was someone else, he said. I said that I wanted to believe his email but I know its that its me, he doesn't like me. He said "This is only about me not liking myself". I asked him to think about things while he is away this week training and can we please sit down and talk when he gets back, he said "Ok".

I don;t know what to do. He had told me before sometimes he just has to go to his parents house and be alone. I understand that. I'm ok with that. I won;t doubt him or his love. But he picks a fight right before he does it. Thats the part that is upsetting.

I haven't spoken to him since. He doesn't respond to calls or texts.

HIs ex wife had tried to call him Saturday to skype with their daughter but he ignored her texts and calls as well.

Is it PTSD? I dont know. He sayus he doesn't think so, his brother who has PTSD says he does. He says he won't get help. Its is PTSD and abusive? He's never hit me. But I can't eat, I can't sleep. Im a wreck.

Do I still text him even when he won't respond? Do I leave him alone? Do I just wait?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

He lives with you but won't call you when he is going to be out all night? To me, that's simply unacceptable. (I am a sufferer).

If he does have PTSD it's selfish of him to be in a relationship and not be treated/in treatment. I am a sufferer myself, and fully believe that if a sufferer refuses to help themselves then they have no right to burden someone else with their issues. It's a different story when the sufferer is actively working in healing.

I also think it is damaging to your children to have a guy moving in and out. Kids need stability, not this sort of unpredictability. For this reason alone, I'd let him go.

 

[Sandi79]

I'm ok that he didn;t call. Its the fight beforehand that he picks that bothers me. If he has to be away sometimes, thats ok. Im ok with it. He's a good person. He is. But he can't cope when things don't go right or things go too right.

I just don't know if he's done or if he's trying to save me.

 

[Sandi79]

I know I should end it. But I keep thinking about who he was most of the time. I keep thinking about how he wanted to have a life with me, marry me, have a baby with me. But do I want to have those things with someone who does these things?

 

[nursenurse]

Look from the outside as if this was your BFF. What he said to your kids may very well be true. But this is the life you will be signing on to forever. You already have kids, do you really want to have more in this situation with someone who is not getting any help, I gather? PTSD folks sometimes need to lose everything before they regain themselves. this is actually true of non PTSD folks sometimes too. If he was in active therapy, you may have had a chance. I think you guys rushed in too soon. a long distance relationship commands more time to get to know each other. Via internet, you can be whomever you want to be, you don't get the chance to read between the lines, look into eyes, see the body language. So to move in is folly when really, you haven't really been dating. However that is water under the bridge.

Let him go. Make your own life. don't introduce your kids to anyone period until you are so sure that the ring is going to be on that finger. They need stability and love, not anyone who ends up being a fly by night for any reason, PTSD or not. They did not sign on for this kind of thing. And remember, you are the guardian of your own heart. Treasure it yourself.

He may be a great guy but he has issues that will take a long time to deal with before he is relationship material. Provided he seeks help. Move on.

I don't know how old your sons are, but this was between you and him. Shows a lack of judgement. I hope he gets the help he needs. When one can see the problems as it seems he can, then one is obligated to do something about them, which he is not doing. Could be fear, could be a lot of things, but what he does say in his letter is true. It isn't you. It is him, and even the best treatment in the world will not guarantee a good outcome in this relationship at the moment.

 

[Sandi79]

I know we had a long distance relationship. I know online and texting you can be anyone you want to be. But we weren't like that. We went into it knowing we could be who we were with no risk. We skyped every night, we visited each other. I knew he had issues early on, before the first incident, there were minor ones. He was ordered into therapy in May of 2012. He went twice and quit. I hope he gets help but I think everyone is right, I can't make him, I can't keep doing this. I'll be his friend. But thats all I can be

 

[Sandi79]

I know I would tell my friends to run. Run as fast as possible. I hate thinking of a life without him, because when its good, its so good. He loved me like no one else ever has. He was so good to me. But living together is different. When you dont live together, you dont know if someone is sad, or angry or needs to be alone. I'm sure when he felt this way, it was when he would say he was tired and needed to sleep so we wouldn't skype, or he would say he had studying to do. Being in the same house, he doesn't have that option. I don't know how to end this without him feeling like he let me down or that I gave up on him, without him feeling like a failure. It kills me that he doesnt like himself because he is the most amazing man I have ever known. I hate losing him. I keep thinking of what i could have done to prevent this..maybe I couldnt.

 

[bell]

@Sandi79, there is nothing you could have done to prevent this. Sadly, this is a long internal battle that your sufferer has to fight for himself. Being friends with him (and not pushing him for more) is the best thing that you can do for him.

 

[Sandi79]

I can be his friend. I would rather have him in my life as a friend than lose him completely.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Abuse isn't just hitting. Disappearing without letting you know he is OK is pretty emotionally abusive. Saying that usually upsets the sufferers who read these supporter threads, but when they think of their need to isolate, they can't understand the perspective of us supporters. You are sitting over there worrying yourself sick for days wondering if he is dead or hurt, making yourself crazy, and he can't even send you a text to say "I'm OK, just need to be alone. I'll contact you when I'm ready." No communication is not acceptable. It is a different story if they say "It's over, I don't want to be with you anymore" or "Leave me alone, I need space." Those are clear indicators that they do not want any contact with you. But just walking out with "I'm going to go use the computer, be right back," then never coming back is pretty crappy anyway you slice it.

Think about it. Really? He can send lengthy emails to your sons (which is really out of line, bringing them into your adult situation), but he cannot explain how he is feeling to you? That is passive aggressive. You do not deserve that.

PTSD relationships are tricky. You have to realize that nothing you do is going to make your partner better. He will never "get over" PTSD. There can be improvement, and management of symptoms, and that is all you can really hope for. The thing is that HE has to want it, go to treatment, and work very hard. You can't do anything to save your relationship if he doesn't take those steps. Trying to be in a relationship with a partner who has untreated PTSD is awful. The isolation and lashing out are symptoms, and those symptoms don't get better without treatment.

As far as advice... do not keep texting him. When sufferers are isolating, repeated attempts at communication can make it worse. He needs space, and it's fine that he needs space. Supporters need to learn to be ok with periods of isolation, However, it is fine to set a boundary that he has to let you know he is alive and OK every once in awhile so you don't make yourself nuts. My Vet knows I can't tolerate a disappearing act anymore, it makes me beside myself with worry. We agreed that he has to tell me he needs space before he isolates, and he has to text me every so often, telling me he is still OK. I agreed not to try and communicate with him during these times, and that includes responding to his "I'm OK" texts with anything more than "OK."

You cannot talk to him now when he is stressed about anything. He is stressed. He is transitioning into the civilian world, trying to get a job, moved in together. His stress cup is full. (If you haven't read the Stress Cup Model on this site, it is great, and very informative.)

If he comes back around, which he may considering he left his pet with you, you have to decide if you still want to be in a relationship with him. If he is willing to get help, it is possible to have a successful relationship with a PTSD sufferer. You as a supporter have to educate yourself about the disorder, and learn some coping techniques. For instance, you need to learn to set boundaries, and you need to learn how to cope with symptoms.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Here is the link for the PTSD Cup Model https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/

 

[Sandi79]

Thank you. Everything you said was really imformative and helpful. I am going to take this week to think of what my limits and expectations are, I am going to make a list of things I can handle and what I cannot. He has to come back to get his things one way or the other. All of his military records are here, most of his clothing, his dog. He agreed we could talk, and I trust that he will. I've built my life around him and now is the time to build my life around me.

I get confused because he didn't say he was done and needed to be alone until after I said he needed to come get his things. Maybe he meant it, maybe not. Time will tell