When Is The Right Time To Leave The Forum?

[anthony]

One of the most asked questions of me is, when is the right time to leave the forum? Well…the answer to that question differs for each person, though personally I encourage people to leave the forum when they have exhausted their own learning and emotional benefits from the resource. This forum usually has a limited lifespan for the majority of members. The reason it must have this is because whilst this forum is a support mechanism, source of feedback and informative resource, it is also a burden within the healing process if held onto for too long.

Very few people could give of themselves in a capacity to remain sane and work with traumatised people. This is why this forum works on a user cycle. PTSD comes on a sliding scale, which means severity ranges from person to person. One person could get everything they need from this resource within a few short months, whilst another it could take a year or two. My opinion…the majority of users should have exited this forum within two years maximum.

This forum is a constant source of exposure therapy, and whilst that is useful in one aspect, it is destructive in another. It is not healthy to shift one coping mechanism for another that is just as or more destructive, and this forum can be destructive to the healing process if held onto. You feel like you’re at the point when you can do things by yourself, but you come back to the forum and rely upon others’ opinions, instead of using what you should have learnt by now, being to walk your own path in life, and learn by falling over a little.

Think about this forum like therapy. You get people who say they have been in therapy for five years, ten years, etc…that is destructive on its own. Relying upon something else for ongoing support constantly is destructive in nature, because you’re not willing to work issues out for yourself; instead, you are constantly looking for advice from a third party. Trauma therapy is a short process overall, being around six to twelve months, absolute maximum. Those who reside in therapy longer than that aren’t willing to work on their issues, they just want someone else to try and solve their life.

This is why I completely discourage any person doing here what they do with therapy, hanging around. To get better, to heal trauma, to regain life skills, you need to be walking life and making mistakes, not hanging around constantly looking for third party validation. It’s not healthy. I still hear from members who started here years ago and took this advice and left, and they are now much better off for it as they forced themselves to use the knowledge they have learnt here and implement this within their life, not just run to a support mechanism looking for answers or someone to solve their issue.

This forum is about educating and rebuilding self esteem, not hindering the healing process. Again, very few can actually not be negatively impacted from hanging onto this forum. Even myself, I cannot directly help people here now, as it makes me ill to do so, but I can manage the resource without much impact. I have given my knowledge so that now others can learn from it, enhance it and pass it along to others, and so the cycle continues. You must know when to remove yourself and why you are doing it. When you begin to recover and find yourself getting ill from being here, then that is your cue to leave the forum and walk life with the new knowledge you have obtained, now implementing these facets within your life.

I hope this helps people in making the right decision at the point they feel the forum is no longer helping them.

Just remember…please feel free to drop in from time to time and give us an update on how you are doing. I do love to hear from people who are now enjoying a much better life due to the forum and their hard work.

 

[bonnecanyon]

"I do love to hear from people who are not enjoying a much better life due to the forum and their hard work."

Anthony - couldn't help but notice a typo in this last sentence.

"not" should be "now" I believe
BC

 

[moki]

I joined this forum about 3 years ago and stayed on it for about 9 months or so. I was having PTSD symptoms with no apparent trauma that I could remember. Turned out that I realized I am a lesbian, and that living my life as a straight person was akin to being imprisoned. I was 46 at the time and was married almost 20 years with two children, etc. This forum was a lifeline for me during that time, especially in the beginning when the symptoms presented themselves and no one, not even my therapist could explain how I could be having ptsd symptoms with no apparent single traumatic event. Of course, at the time I didn't realize that I was gay...but after reading about complex ptsd on this forum and how it manifested itself over a long period of time, the puzzle pieces slowly started to fall in place. I definitely felt sort of nutty during that time, but the support of the other people on this forum helped me to stand strong and not take this condition lightly. I am doing very, very well now. I divorced, moved into my own home, got a full time job for the first time in 16 years, and came 'out of the closet' at the ripe old age of 46. I've had a couple of relationships since then, and my current one is going pretty well. I have some dissociation here and there, but am aware of it and it either passes or I iron it out with my therapist. I still go to my individual therapist weekly. It's more like a check-in than anything else and has made it possible for me to be off of all meds except lamictal. I was on lexapro until recently, and seem to be doing well without it. I've managed to gain a circle of friends, mostly other lesbian women, to talk things over with when I'm having relationship troubles, so that's where the majority of my support system comes from when it comes to daily living/relationship bumps in the road. My therapist offers some 'big picture' perspective when I get muddled in the details. I don't think I've ever been able to adequately explain what my experience with complex ptsd has been like to loved ones. I've tried, but in the end, just feeling normal is the reward. However...having someone, somewhere (the people in this forum) understand exactly what I was feeling was priceless. I'd never joined a forum before and haven't joined one since, but joining this one was the best thing I ever did for myself to get to the normal place I am today.Thank you to Anthony and all the moderators. The existence of this forum saves lives.Moki

 

[Monarch]

I check in from time to time and update my diary but when I post now it is more about giving advice than taking and other peoples stories really don't have a negative effect on me anymore. between here and therapy I have learned so much.

 

[Seychelle]

I haven't left the forum completely. I seem to drop by every 6 months or so (maybe? my memory hasn't been good this past year or so). Sporadic visits to remind myself of past lessons learned or to look up something as needed seems to work well for me. I don't think I'd be doing as well as I am if I was here continuously for years.

 

[anni]

This article I must take as factual as everything else here and do. It therefore makes me pretty anxious in that I've had 5 years of therapy, albeit sometimes monthly as it could be afforded. As is pointed out, honesty is the only thing which works or you're wasting your own time and everyone else's. I have to then wonder if I've been disingnuous with myself in allowing so much latitude in healing. It was long-term, multi-faceted traumas and I allowed many,many years to go by before getting help. Destructive patterns were pretty ingrained and repeated to the detriment of myself and others in the interim. Weathering new ones did not go well. Having said that, one still must be honest with oneself and look at the bald facts which seem to indicate that 5 years of theray is all out of proportion with what seems to be the norm in healing from traumas.The forum has been extremely helpful. It does help me desensitize while at the same time feel not at all alone. For some reason, it also is hugely helpful being able to feel like I'm getting my head out of my own backside by being able to verbally hug others in pain.I'm actually not at all sure what to do now. but because of this article will certainly ask myself some hard questions as to whether or not I've been looking at my healing at all clearly.Thanks much again for yet another collecton of good solid facts !

 

[ghost]

Highschool was the best eight years of my life.

 

[Seychelle]

anni, one reason I logged back in today was that this article was on my mind. It's my own personal opinion that ongoing child abuse can take a hell of a long time to recover from. In some ways, the physical and sexual abuse traumas are relatively simple to recover from. It's the assault on the self from a very young age, the ongoing emotional abuse, missing out on learning the basics of life that others seem to take for granted that takes the longest to recover from. I'm 6 years in recovery. Made a huge amount of progress since then, but I still have barely scratched the surface of the continual emotional abuse from my mother. I can discuss the rapes, the sexual assaults, the beatings and so on without getting particularly triggered these days. However, discussing the emotional abuse in any detail can send me into a severe rapid downward spiral, way worse than having to deal with flashbacks and intrusive memories and all that. This is just my opinion formed from personal experience, but it is how I see things these days compared to those who experienced their first traumas later in life, rather than from baby/toddler ages.

 

[dharmaBum]

"Trauma therapy is a short process overall, being around six to twelve months, absolute maximum. Those who reside in therapy longer than that aren't willing to work on their issues, they just want someone else to try and solve their life..." (Anthony)

Anni,

I think that using PTSD forum for absolute psychoeducation about trauma healing isn't what this resource is for. Anthony has stated that his recommendation of five years max in therapy is his opinion. He has shared that he is a PTSD sufferer, his background is in computer technology and the military, he has had issues with violence and alcohol, has tried many treatments, and learned much about PTSD that he shares via the forum. However, he's not a mental health professional and therefore not able to give advice about treatment length in that capacity.

Having just come from the academic realm drenched with critical evaluation of source material, it is essential for me to continually evaluate the relevance, merit, and credentials of any offering information about PTSD treatments, etc. In the above quote I cite from Anthony's article, I would ask myself on what basis is he deriving the assumption that trauma therapy consists of a limited length, and how is that credible information communicated by him? I believe he is stating his opinion based on his experiences, which are varied and many compared to the general population, but uniquely distinct, as Seychelle points out, from someone who has a different type or quantity of traumatic experiences than he has.

I think that any user of this forum can speak as an expert about the facts of their own life, but have not yet met one who is qualified to be an expert on the trauma recovery of others, especially those they have not known personally. I believe at most we can simply be helpful companions, which is more than I had access to before I found this site and I'm extremely thankful to Anthony and Nicolette, et al for mantaining the forum, a daunting task on it's own!

 

[anthony]

Hi Dharmabum... no, the information based here is not on my personal experience, but in fact based on review from discussion off PTSD with a myriad of mental health professionals within the trauma therapy realm, specifically psychiatrists being the main source. I cite my opinion if actual. It actually doesn't matter how long the abuse cycle was in relation to trauma therapy itself. Therapy is to assist in the process of healing, however; if you are not getting any better, then you are not actually healing at all. This means there is a breakdown either with the therapist or the patient. Therapy is a business, and most therapists will continue to take a persons money because the end of the day... its a business. Very few therapists actually push their patients away from them, because that is a loss of income. Patients become reliant to using a therapist as a support source, which is not what they are for or meant for. Therapists are there to guide and assist the healing process, they are not there as a support source and therapists are taught not to become a dependent source for a patient, as that is typically were conflicts of interests exist. Suffering ongoing symptoms and support for them is not a therapists realm, and this is where people screw up with therapy. Because you have an anxiety attack, it does not negate the need for therapy, because it is a symptom. If the cause is truly treated, discussed and resolution found, exposure therapy of type used for the individual, then their is zero reason for the person to continue therapy. The person should be seeking more affluent and positive sources of support within social outlets, and not a therapist in lieu. Any good psychiatrist or mental health professional who is an expert in trauma, should pretty much state the same thing.

 

[2quilt]

I have been gone for a few months because of a post by Nicolette ( I think...) that really stung me and made me cry. The Title was something like "Why Are You Still Here?" and now I can't locate that post by doing a search. I don't know if it was PTSD or just the normal reaction of the sharp sound of that quote, but man, i felt unwanted around here. I got the impression that long-term people such as I am, are irritating. The tone of that quote just made me so sad that I didn't come around here for a while. Have I offended someone or do I post too much or do the other members get tired of hearing from long-term posters or me specifically?
Yeah, it's not about me specifically, personally an attack, but I sure felt the annoyed tone directed at we longtimers.

 

[Nicolette]

I am sorry you had such a reaction to my thread 2quilt but my intention was only curiousity and I thought I made that clear.

Glad you are back and I'm sorry you interpreted the tone to be harsher than intended.